Have you ever given up what you want in order not to hurt others and make them satisfied?
On a rare holiday, I wanted to go out with my friends, and my parents' phone called:
"If you don't go home for the holidays, will you leave us alone?"
Thirty years old, not married, surrounded by all kinds of urging voices every day:
"If you don't have a family, I won't be able to settle down."
After becoming a mother, I wanted to use my spare time to study and study, and the people around me said lightly:
"Do whatever you want, you keep doing it anyway, thinking only about yourself."
People who say these things can always easily arouse your guilt, and you either obediently listen to them or insist on doing what you want to do, but with a strong sense of guilt, as if you have done something you should not have done.
There is a friend who often says that he is going to resign, and he is still in the original company for two years.
Every time he offered to resign, the boss would play the emotional card.
He wanted to get a better job, and the boss said:
"Under the epidemic, you can get a monthly salary, do you know how difficult it is for me?"
He wanted to start his own business, and the boss said:
"You have accumulated so much experience and contacts in the company, and now that you can be independent, you will get rid of the partners you have grown together."
Every time he talked, he found that he was wrong, asked too much, did not understand gratitude, intermittently for two years, and he was still entangled in the original company.
We often say that a person's strength begins with knowing how to refuse, in fact, it is easy to refuse the request of strangers; it is the most difficult to refuse the "kind advice" from relatives and friends, because the killer skill in their hands is the emotion between you and you.
American psychotherapist Susan Foward said in Emotional Blackmail:
"The people you care about the most know best where your death pit is. The people closest to you will drag you into the most protracted battle. ”
The so-called emotional blackmail is the most powerful form of controlling the actions of others.
Your relatives and friends around you must have used some direct or indirect means to blackmail you, and if you don't do what they ask, you will suffer.
Susan Foward | Sichuan People's Publishing House
Have anyone who meant a lot to you ever said something like this to you:
"If you don't do what he wants, they're going to be sad";
"If you want to get that, you have to do what I say now";
When you don't give in, they say you're selfish, greedy, and unconscionable;
When you never budge, they say "you don't care about me at all"...
Susan Foward divides emotional blackmail into four forms:
The first is the violent type, which is also the easiest to identify.
They are prone to anger, and as long as you are slightly disobedient, they will be angry.
Some people will vent their dissatisfaction directly, even with threats, and some people will bow their heads and sulk.
Either way, the abuser pursues a one-sided relationship, and "roll without listening to me" is their motto.
The second is masochistic.
For example, some children will threaten their parents by hurting themselves: "If you don't let me watch TV, I'll jump out of here!" ”
There are also self-abusers among adults, who warn us that if you don't do what you're asked to do, they'll be so upset that they won't even be able to live;
They will make some moves, make a mess of their lives, and even hurt themselves.
"Don't argue with me, I have a heart attack."
"If you don't do it, I won't eat, I won't sleep, I won't drink water, I won't take medicine, and I'll die."
The third is the sad type.
The old man sat alone in the room and murmured: Busy, busy, busy.
That sad back, for many people, is the best "weapon".
Sadists don't threaten or hurt others, they just imply that if you don't do it, they'll suffer, and the pain they suffer is all your fault.
The fourth is the seductive type.
They will imply that you will get some benefits, but only if you have to pay some price.
When you do, they don't deliver on their previous promises, but demand more.
The higher the cost of your silence, the harder it is to refuse his demands.
There is a story in "Emotional Blackmail" that Allen is the owner of a small furniture company, with a cheerful and interesting personality, and he goes to psychological counseling because of his relationship with his wife.
"I thought she was the lifelong partner I'd been looking for, a good person, a good humor, a smart one, but I just didn't know if we were still right together."
Allen said his wife would be hurt if he had some free time he wanted to hang out, like a friend telling him to go to play football or having dinner with a co-worker after work.
"What's wrong with you?" Does home not appeal to you? You don't want to be with me anymore? ”
Every time he planned to go out with friends, his wife would use various euphemisms to let him know how unhappy he was.
She hopes that Ellen will accompany her as soon as he has time, not allowing him to have his own activities and interests, and Ellen also step by step into the "blackmail trap" compiled by the other party, until he is forced too tightly, only to find that what exists in the relationship is no longer love and respect, but tense oppression.
And the process of emotional blackmail is like this: one party uses the trust, vulnerability, and love of another person to try to convince the other person that you must do what I ask for, and that is love; you can't do without me; you are responsible for my happiness.
Every kind of emotional blackmail will be disguised as "because of love", "kindness" to you, you must accept, if not, you will fail to live up to his kindness.
Psychologist Wu Zhihong told a small story in "Having a Life You Decide".
One day, he looked in the mirror and found that he had two white hairs, so he asked his aunt at home to see if there was gray hair elsewhere.
The aunt said, "I have white hair, I'll pull it out for you." ”
Wu Zhihong said, "Auntie, don't pull it, you can help me see if there are any other places." ”
As if she hadn't heard, the aunt continued, "It's not good to have white hair, so I'll pull it out for you." ”
Wu Zhihong once again stressed to her, "You just have to help me see if there are any other places." ”
The aunt looked at it and said, "There are somewhere else." ”
Then he went back to his study to write.
After a while, the aunt followed, took the clip in her hand, and tried to pull out his white hair.
Wu Zhihong looked into her eyes seriously and said again, "Auntie, I don't want to pull it." ”
This time, the aunt finally heard his words and was no longer obsessed with pulling out his white hair.
After the aunt left, Wu Zhihong did not feel relaxed, but felt a little blocked in his heart.
"She was kind, I rejected her, and my heart was still in a panic, why is that?"
He found that the aunt was very good and especially wanted to do what was good for others, but the way she expressed kindness was not what others wanted, which would make the other party feel invaded.
If we are in a relationship, like an aunt, know to be good to others, but only be good to others in their own way, and cannot give the other party what they want, this "good" has no temperature, it is just a kind of socializing.
Moreover, their values are based on whether the other person accepts their own kindness.
The other party accepts it, gives a positive response, and has its own value; if the other party refuses, they will be very devastated and feel particularly faceless.
In the face of this "kindness", if you do not want to accept it, the best attitude is: respond positively and refuse without hostility.
Let the other person know, "Your behavior is well-intentioned," which is a positive response.
Rejection without hostility is like the attitude of an aunt who insists on pulling out her own gray hair.
We like to use "intimacy" to praise intimate relationships, but the best relationship is not intimate, but intimate.
Just like two circles, there are overlapping parts and separate parts, so that you can be comfortable with each other and go further.