Long Yingtai once said: "The so-called father-daughter mother-son relationship only means that your fate with him is that you are constantly watching his back drift away in this life and this life." ”
This sentence is recognized by more and more parents. Why does it resonate with so many people?
Teacher Wu Zhihong, in the book "The Birth of the Self", explained the real reason:
Almost all love points to intimacy, except for the love of parents for their children, which points to separation. The more parents love their children, the easier it will be for them to move toward separation.
Children can only internalize the people who love themselves into their hearts before the age of three, and when they grow up, their ability to tolerate loneliness will become stronger.
The process of internalizing this externalized love in the heart is the process of individualization, and it is also the process of self-birth in the abstract sense.
In my mind, there is an "inner me" and a state of "inner you," that is, "you exist, so I exist" in Western philosophy.
In "The Birth of the Self", teacher Wu Zhihong described the formation of the individualized self as a process of breaking the shell: first break the shell of autism and enter the arms of mother's love; then, leave the arms of mother's love and enter the family harbor; then enter the social melting pot from the family harbor; finally, break the social melting pot and enter the infinite world.
In the three years from breaking the shell of autism to the social melting pot, the child gradually gives birth to the individual self from the monistic world of the self, to the dualistic world of symbiosis with the mother, and then to the ternary world of joining the father.
In the stage of the birth of the individualized self, the formation of the boundary between parents and children plays a vital role in the child's life.
Because boundary consciousness is both a condition for the emergence of the individualized self and will be further consolidated by the development of the individualized self.
As Teacher Wu Zhihong said: The root cause of most people's pain is that the self has not yet formed.
Just like the "flattering personality" and "post-it note girl" that is often said now, when I was a child, when I grew up in an individualized self, I did not have a clear sense of boundaries, and I would not dare to refuse even if it was a small thing in adulthood.
Jung believed that women are naturally emotional and men are naturally logical. So maternal love points to integration, and fatherly love points to order.
The relationship between the child and the father determines the child's future relationship in society, and the father represents the most primitive external world.
Because as long as you enter the society, you will encounter interpersonal relationships, and the most basic truth in this relationship is that people with boundaries and egos will be respected and may be loved!
It is said that happy people use childhood to heal a lifetime, and unfortunate people use a lifetime to heal childhood.
May each of our parents stand side by side lovingly as their children gradually move toward independence and find their own world.
And every child can form a real self, accept the tempering of society, and live out the most true self!