What a controlled child does is wrong:
"Don't pour yourself water, be careful of hot hands!"
"Don't touch that, be careful it hurts!"
"You don't need to worry about this, you just have to study!"
"Listen to me, don't fool yourself!"
"I told you why you didn't listen?"
"They all said they wouldn't let you do that!"
……
Parents may often blurt out dictates to dictate, but you may not know that these words are quietly affecting the child's life.
Parental control can affect a lifetime
If you think that children who were habitually controlled by their parents as children as children will change themselves when they grow up.
Then I can tell you very responsibly: it is very, very difficult!
For example, even though I am now married and have children, every time I come back from the supermarket, my mother will always ask, "What did I buy and how much did I spend?" ”
If I don't answer, my mother will rummag through my shopping bag to check the price of the receipt.
After checking it, she will say: "This is so expensive, why buy it?" That's useless, what a waste of money! ”
Then I also start to doubt my own judgment and aesthetics and re-evaluate my life.
And eventually came up with the idea, "Well, I'm just a useless person."
Under the control and brainwashing of my mother, she made me believe: "I am so lazy, so stupid, my mother-in-law is so unwilling to see me, I am useless, I can't take care of my own children!" ”
A child who grows up under the control of his parents, even if he has his own child, is weak and powerless, just like he has never grown up and has no confidence in being able to raise him well.
The task of caring for children is naturally taken over by the elders.
After my child went to kindergarten, I wanted to take him away from my parents, and my mother said, "Your wings are hard now, you don't need me, you are gone and never come back!" I'm old and useless! ”
But if I continue to stay, my mother will say, "How hard I have worked since I brought you the child!" At such an old age, I have not enjoyed a day of blessings. ”
I do everything wrong and often feel miserable.
Over-complicatement is control
If I grew up under my mother's control, my brother was even more pitiful.
My mother gave birth to my younger brother at the age of 41, and as the only male in the family, my younger brother has been pampered since he was a child.
The details are not described, and the current situation of the younger brother is mentioned.
My brother is now 25 years old and only does three things a day, eating, sleeping, and playing games.
The most common phrase spoken every day is: "Mom, what do I eat?" ”
He doesn't work at all (and doesn't want to), doesn't go out (except to go to internet cafes), and doesn't socialize (except for his teammates who play games).
He is like a pet in captivity, losing all the basic skills of survival.
I can't even imagine what my brother's life would be like when my parents got old and couldn't move or even leave.
From an outsider's point of view, I would say very objectively: my brother's life has been almost ruined.
I used to think that maybe as long as he lived, it was the greatest comfort for his parents.
Parents probably think: We will always raise you, but what about his own life?
Autism stems from being too controlled
I had a colleague named Little D at my previous company.
When I first went to work, he was the first to open the door every day, clean the boss's office, and then sit down to play games.
At first I thought he was a relative of the boss, so he was so fearless.
Listening to the gossip of colleagues, I know that Little D has autism, has difficulties in communicating with people, and has been living with his mother after his parents divorced.
The boss rented the house managed by Little D's mother, and he took Little D into the company in an emotional way, ostensibly to give him a job, but in fact, he was doing some basic work of "sweeping monks".
Every month, Little D's mother gives the boss 300 yuan, and then sends it to Little D as a "salary" by the boss's hand.
After listening to it, I felt very touched and lamented the greatness of maternal love in this world.
Once the unit dinner, we called little D together, little D was still very happy at first, there was talk and laughter, but turned around to answer a phone call, and when he came back, his face changed.
He said to us, "I don't eat, my mother asked me to go back, she doesn't seem to have the key, I have to send her the key." ”
Little D turned around and left, and everyone seemed to have found something.
In fact, the usual little D, in addition to communicating less with people, not looking at other people's eyes when speaking, and talking with some evasive wandering, is no different from ordinary people.
In particular, he talks about topics of interest to him (such as games) and dances with his eyebrows.
But as soon as he talked about his mother, he would be momentarily silent and fall into a state of autism.
Perhaps, Little D wasn't really autistic, it was just that his mother's love suffocated him.
Control is the worst education
Ever since I had children, I've often looked back at my own path of growth.
Like all parents, the child is the flesh that falls from his own body, and he inevitably cares for his stomach.
Worried that he is hungry, tired, sick, falling, worried that without his own company, he will not be able to be treated gently by the world.
A psychology teacher once said: "Worrying too much about your child is tantamount to cursing him to death."
This is not an exaggeration.
Behind the autistic little D is a mother who even has to interfere with who to eat with.
My younger brother, who is spoiled and raised, does not look for a job at the age of 25, eats the old, and stays at home, because all the food, clothing, housing and transportation have been taken care of by the family.
They are like frogs boiling in warm water, gradually losing their life function, gradually being consumed by such a life, and finally slowly dying.
The source of control is insecurity
Most of the controlling mothers come from insecure birth families.
When they are young, they either lack food and clothing or experience separation and life turmoil.
When they grow up, they try to control it in their own way, so that their world will not collapse again.
They want to give everything they don't get to their children, and their control over their children is because of their own strong insecurity.
Therefore, I would rather have children play games at home every day and waste them for life, rather than let them go to the outside world to experience wind and rain.
But after all, the mother cannot live a lifetime instead of the child.
Children, who also have their own lives and independent wills, need to take responsibility for their own lives.
Life is precious, love is expensive.
If it is free to care, both can be thrown.
Predecessors told me with their lives and blood: Freedom is not only faith, but also the need of human nature.
If a child does not even have basic freedom and respect, his life can only end tragically.
Face your own desire for control right
I also have a desire to control my own children.
He doesn't take the toys, I'll get angry.
If he doesn't sleep on time, I'll get angry.
If he doesn't listen, I'll get angry too.
But I'd rather he argue with me and give his own opinion and a reasonable explanation than he blindly obeys.
Because I knew that I couldn't control him and protect him for the rest of my life.
So you can't spoil him in the first place.
Because I know that if I protect him in every way now, in the future he will be bleeding in society.
All the things he needs to experience and experience himself, he needs to hone himself to receive valuable experience, nothing less.
In fact, what parents need to control most is not their children, but their own hearts that cannot be put down.
Parents take a small step to improve, and children grow up a big step.
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