In continuing to "stay at home", we have forgotten that it is the first few days.
This home isolation, a lot of things have happened, but also gave me the opportunity to better look at myself.
I began to understand why my parents always liked to hoard things, always liked to leave good food at the end; I began to realize that even if everything was eaten and drunk, the premise of going out without going out seemed different; I wanted to understand that accepting emotions was to allow existence, not to pretend to be okay, but still to learn to normalize their actions as much as possible.
Of course, I also found myself with a lot of subtle emotions with Little D. April is Little D's birthday, and something happened that gave me a deep understanding of my own heart.
01
You clearly say yes!
We are in Pudong, and we were the first batch of seals. I was particularly optimistic at the time, I heard the release that Pudong was sealed for 4 days first, I really believed that it was 4 days, so our family basically did not hoard anything. In the first two weeks, the planning cycle and supply were broken, there was no meat dish on the dinner table, and scrambled eggs with tomatoes were the top meat.
Little D especially wants to eat ribs, we play pretend games, draw out what we want to eat and want to play, and then pretend to have eaten and played, the real "painting cake full of hunger" version 2.0. Little D asked me while playing, Mom, will there be any more of my birthday party? Can I still go see Princess Elsa and invite my little friend? I told her that the birthday party was going to be canceled because there was an epidemic now (she picked up the second half of the sentence herself).
But after stopping, she asked again, can there still be cake? You don't have to be a whole one, you can do it in one piece. In the face of this sentence, I was embarrassed to refuse at the moment, and my answer was, well, there will be, Mom wanted to think of a way. It was already early April, and I was beginning to realize that the quarantine was much longer than I expected. What this means is that Little D's birthday cake this year is not expected to have it.
But I've always been afraid to tell Little D about it. She really looked forward to growing up another year since her birthday last year and inviting her favorite friends to celebrate her birthday together. This refusal is a bit unbearable for me.
For the next two weeks, Little D would come to ask questions from time to time, and I always vaguely mixed up. It wasn't until two days before her birthday that I finally told Little D that there wouldn't be a cake this year. Unexpectedly, Little D couldn't help it at once, unlike the previous "big anger", she went back to the bedroom by herself, lay on the pillow, and cried. We adults can say that the present moment needs to have a big picture, cake is not a necessity, it is not so important.
But for this little girl, it was a little too harsh. I stayed with her quietly, waiting for her cries to slowly lighten. Then she got up on her own, choked up and said to me, Mom, can you hug me and help me calm down? In the evening, we talked about this "big" regret. Little D is almost 8 years old, in fact, he knows exactly what the situation is. But her later words, I especially felt.
She said to me, Mom, if you knew there wouldn't be a cake in the first place, then when I asked, you would reject me, just like telling me there was no birthday party. I asked you a few times, and you always said yes, so I imagine a picture of a cake every day. Finally you suddenly refuse, I will not adapt. This big vernacular makes me think it makes sense.
This is very similar to our adult world sometimes always getting in the way of love and not rejecting it at the first time, but in the end it is embarrassing to each other. Sometimes, we want to refuse because we just "don't like it, it's inappropriate, we don't want to do it", but we always feel that such a reason for rejection does not exist, so we give the other party a vague statement. And this kind of situation that is not clear at the beginning, when we still refuse in the end, the other party will be uncomfortable, "Why didn't you just start out?" "Little D's story also makes me examine my own heart further, why am I afraid to reject her directly? Why do I feel guilty when I refuse?
02
There are no children in the heart who can't experience anything, in fact, this psychological state has been experienced before, not just because of the epidemic. At that time, I did not dare to refuse Little D's request, even though I had been up in the middle of the night for several consecutive nights to take care of her, and the next day if she wanted me to play with her, I always forced my spirit to agree. And I often feel guilty, when does this guilt occur?
For example, when I refuse Little D to snack before dinner; when I tell her she can't play now and needs to finish online lessons first; when I tell her that Mom needs to go to work, she needs to go to school, and we are briefly separated. Very often, even if I do what I think is right, I will still be angry about my "rejection", feel that I have hurt the child's heart, and feel that my rejection has "offended" the child.
Is that the same with you? Anyway, this thing bothered me for a long time. The first time the knot opened was when I felt guilty about rejecting Little D again, I quipped to myself, "Oh, I was a good old man in the workplace, and now I'm a good old man in my mother." It was this sentence that suddenly "woke me up".
When I first entered the workplace, it was difficult for me to say no to my colleagues, and even if I refused, this feeling of guilt would accompany me for a long time. At that time, one of my major self-improvement directions was to learn to say no. My workplace mentor has asked me, why am I afraid of rejection?
The answer I told him was that I felt that rejecting others was hurting others. The mentor was surprised, he said he was ready I would say that after refusing there will be guilt or fear of retaliation, I did not expect my answer to be like this. Following this topic, the mentor told me that the reason why I have such a cognition reflects to a certain extent that I am "not separated" from my original family.
I should not dare to reject my parents, and this pattern of relationship interaction makes me think that I and everyone should be like this. I was not married at that time, and I didn't understand what he said, but it did help me introduce a new perspective, that is, rejecting others and not harming others. Only when our hearts are weak and we feel that others reject us and we will be hurt, then we will be so substituted.
My first step at that time was to start with a simple thing to refuse, from a colleague who had a good relationship in the workplace, and from a mentor. My first change, which you can't imagine at all, began by rejecting the courier brother's request.
In the past, as long as the courier called me, even if I couldn't leave, I would immediately put down everything on my hands and go to pick up the courier. That time I told him, I really can't leave now, can I help send it up? As a result, he actually sent it.
Later, I rejected my colleague and told her that I was busy with a PowerPoint PPT and would certainly not be able to answer her question this afternoon, but tomorrow morning we could have an appointment to talk. As a result, colleagues also understand that I don't need to change my rhythm. Thinking back to this scene in the workplace, I suddenly understood that this time I was afraid to reject Little D, did not dare to tell her that there was no birthday cake, and was still weak in my heart.
Because of the epidemic at home, we didn't have meat dishes for several days, and I felt that I hadn't taken good care of my children. Thus, I did not dare to continue to refuse her other requests. It's like if working mothers feel guilty that they don't have time to spend with their babies, they basically become "responsive" when they go home; they will habitually "connive" when they go home after a week on a business trip. Our so-called "dare not refuse children, afraid that they will be sad" is nothing more than our own inner compensation.
There is nothing in our hearts, the child will not experience anything, and the more our hearts are afraid of something, the more the child will be able to perceive something.
After this little episode, I did a self-review. Because I know that although this matter Little D has digested itself and turned the page. But I'm sure I'll encounter a similar situation in the future.
To prevent problems before they happen, I combed through the trilogy of rejecting children:
1, the reason for refusal needs to admit that their needs are very important, "mother is tired";
Reaffirm the sense of rules, "Even if you are very sad, you can't eat sugar before eating, this is the house rule that was told to you before";
2, give an alternative to give a win-win strategy, "so good, we don't bother each other for 30 minutes, after 30 minutes have passed, your mother will play with you"; give when you can do it, "We save this sugar, three o'clock in the afternoon snack time can eat."
3, tell yourself that in the end, it is also very important, that is, we need to remind ourselves from time to time that our children are not weak. Although she will cry because of our rejection, facing the gap in real life is a key step in independent growth.
Today's talk seems to be, as a parent, how to reject children. But the essence is actually how to say "no" in a relationship. A lot of people should be like me, the closer the relationship, the harder it is to say "no".
My daughter healed my good old man, and in turn my courage to refuse, also made her avoid becoming an old good man in the future. Learning parenting over the years has also been a process of re-understanding ourselves, and I have learned that as independent individuals, we can still win the respect and love of others by acknowledging and satisfying our own needs and not pandering to others. To yourself, to your daughter, and to you.