April is Little D's birthday month, and this year's birthday, our family of three spent in home isolation.
Maybe less than the previous preparation of the party, greeting the lively guests, my husband and I have a little more incredible sigh, oh my God, she is 8 years old!
Eight years ago in April, she was born 28 weeks prematurely. For the next 3 years, I became a stay-at-home mom who never made "not going to work" as a life choice.
Later, with the goal of becoming a VP in marketing, I turned into a parenting best-selling author and parenting blogger.
Maybe I am highly sensitive, maybe this child is really too difficult to raise, so that every year I accompany her, I can remember it very clearly.
And if time can go back, there are some things I wish to tell myself at that time, there is no time machine in the world after all, but I, you, my cloud girlfriend, can write it down and share it with you.
She was born prematurely at 28 weeks VS 8 years old
01
1 year old - find your own "limit"
Becoming a mother for the first time, I tried my best to learn parenting. Pay attention to dozens of big V, buy dozens of parenting books, grasp the gap between little D's sleep, sacrifice their sleep time, and keep learning to read. See a lot of "good mother" looks, food supplements are done well, picture books are well read, figures are recovered well, and housework with children to work is well balanced. Comparing myself, what can't I do, and making myself tired and haggard, I collapsed.
Every time I finished my crash, I had to give myself chicken blood again, because I wanted to be the "best" mom. As a result, emotions always fluctuate. I wanted to tell myself at the time that I didn't have to be the "best" mother, but to find the "limit" of being a mother. We need to acknowledge that each mother loves differently, the source of value is different, and the ability will be different.
To what extent, you will be tired and regret becoming a mother, before this red line, take a step back, be a "almost" mother can also be. After all, when mom really doesn't "endure this year", it is a lifelong thing.
02
2 years old - don't doubt yourself
I held my breath and learned to be a good mother, always thinking that when I was 2 years old, the "good days" would come. One day, when Little D finished eating milk and played with her, because a toy was not handed to her in time, she suddenly cried and screamed, even if it was given to her later, it was still not good.
I never imagined that such a small creature could have such a huge lung capacity (of course, I learned later that she could have a greater lung capacity). Since then, the once angel baby has disappeared, and crying and screaming without a word has become the norm.
"Tired" is the key word that began to appear frequently at that time, and I suddenly began to miss the day when I only needed to breastfeed and go to sleep, that was a "good day". When I was 2 years old, it was the time when I cried the most, and while I doubted myself, was it really useful to learn parenting? On the one hand, I feel so wronged, but I obviously studied so hard. I want to say to myself at that time, and you will know later that "not being able to" children is the norm, after all, we are facing independent individuals with their own thoughts.
When we were in it, we certainly didn't have such an enlightenment, but when we really came over, I found that learning parenting can also be understood as improving ourselves, helping us to have more perspectives on things and a way to understand others. It doesn't matter if you don't understand, but at least you understand that you can not learn parenting, but don't completely deny yourself because you have learned parenting and the results are not good.
03
3 years old - set up an "internal scoring" system
If 2 years old is "scary", then 3 years old is really "horrible".
Little D's idea is bigger, many things are said and not listened to, and he has to try it himself before he stops.
In addition to the crying and rolling used by the 2-year-old, the 3-year-old also turned on the aggressiveness of language. The frustration that I had at the age of 2 will only be doubled up at the age of 3.
Three years of wholeheartedly serving the child, even ignoring yourself and suppressing your own needs, finally found that the children raised were no more than this (or even worse), and from time to time, a sentence floated out of the mouth of the family husband: "It is not all your habit." This year was my most angry period, unfair, why?!
But what is unfair, the things that should be worried about me are still worrying, and it is still me who stares at the child's emotional personality and social cultivation.
I wanted to tell myself at that time that since I couldn't escape, I had to find a way to cheer myself up, and I didn't do anything else, and I was still screwed in my heart. That's when I started keeping notes, recording the little things I "did" every day, taking them out when I was depressed, and reading them aloud.
Tell yourself, look, I'm great, these are my three years of mom's internal scoring system, who said that others have to recognize it?
04
4 years old - admitted to ordinary
I have done three years of early education enlightenment in a down-to-earth manner, and I have seriously done three years of parent-child reading.
At the age of young convergence, I found that little D was "slow".
At that time, I had already learned a lot of early children's education courses, understood the reason, knew that I could not cram the duck, knew that I had to create more opportunities, and slowly infiltrated. But in the face of the enlightenment that has been done a lot of times, the child in front of him who "can't jump and count according to the rules" will still be anxious. I want to tell myself at that time that I must not only learn to recognize the "ordinary" of the child, but also understand the meaning of "ordinary".
Shouting to accept the ordinary, but the action and mentality do not keep up, is the source of endless anxiety. "Ordinary" is not lying flat, but knowing that "ordinary people" need time to practice any new knowledge; and it takes time to go from "very poor" to "qualified". How much time does it take? Each new skill acquisition requires 1,000 exercises.
If you look at it with such a mentality, what I call "many times" is actually not even a fraction. And countless facts later proved that Little D didn't need 1,000 exercises to master, and many times, I gave up before her.
05
5 years old - don't forget to love children
At the age of 5, I can finally admit that I am starting to "dislike" Little D a little. What often blurts out is that you are no longer a child. You are so old, how can you still... Every time I finished speaking, Little D was bubbling up and always working against me from time to time.
And every time I calm down, I also feel guilty and feel that I am not too harsh. The turning point happened on a weekend when the sun was shining and I shared a glass of ice cream with Little D, and then we cuddled ourselves on the couch and squinted for a while, and when I was half awake I tickled her and she tickled me. That day, I felt healed and that long-lost "it's nice to be your mom" feeling came back.
I wanted to tell myself at that time that I should not only care about education and discipline, but I forgot that "no matter how old you are, you are only a child" and love her more. Try doing more boring little things with the "big kid" you think you are, hugging and kissing, laughing wildly with her, and doing childish things.
06
6 years old - do a good job of bottom line management
How in the blink of an eye, she was already a schoolboy! I thought I could really breathe a sigh of relief, but this year I made myself "burn a few heads". At that time, I actually began to "greedily" think that I could still take care of several heads.
As a result, I would feel guilty for not spending three days with my daughter on a business trip, and I would blame myself for having to attend my daughter's debriefing performance to change the shooting schedule of the whole team. What can be infinitely compressed that year is my sleep time, and finally the physical examination report at the end of the year, let me understand that in fact, I can never be "balanced".
I want to talk to myself at that time, think about my sense of value ranking, and do a good job of bottom line management. When you only have one energy, choose the thing that is closest to the core of your own value, and then calmly face what you haven't done, and tell yourself that I am not so strong at all, and I don't need to be so strong. Walk and watch, add weight to yourself when you have spare energy, and do a few more other things.
At this time, I found that the harvest above the "bottom line" is earned, the mentality will be much better, and it can go further.
07
7 years old - do I talk to my kids?
I have been a mother for 7 years, not only "survived", but also look at my own state, and then look at the appearance of the child, it feels really good. One day I suddenly realized that although I talked a lot to my daughter every day, we had become "nothing to talk about".
Little D will have extracurricular classes after school, and after dinner, he will do homework. Often, as the night went by, we talked about the most, or her homework, her drum kits, her drama class. I actually forgot to chat with my daughter this year.
I didn't know she had a favorite boy named Klaus; I only knew her future career as a police officer; I hadn't talked to her about recent news; and I hadn't shared the troubles of my work life with her for a long time. Luckily I found out it wasn't too late, and we made up for it later. My daughter really grows up, and all I can see, the things I control are slowly getting less and less, and it will continue to be less and less.
But the meaningful, contentable, and listening chat is the continuation of my parent-child relationship with her, and it is also the inheritance of my three views.
When Mom entered her 8th year, I still couldn't say that I fully enjoyed the role of mom. But I don't deny that the role of "Mom" gives me joy and, of course, pain; makes me fall and makes me grow.
And the 8th year of becoming a mother, what gave me the greatest confidence is that I am stronger than I was 8 years ago, know more about how to live on the ground, and have more confidence to take care of myself and my family in an uncertain future.
Now whenever I encounter difficulties, I look at myself in the mirror and look down at my hands.