The development of our country in the past few decades is obvious to all, especially the material development is enough to surpass the development of European and American countries in a hundred years.
Although we can quickly complete the economic path of developed countries, in terms of social consciousness and family culture, we are also under great pressure and impact, so we may also encounter the phenomena and problems found in European and American countries in children's education.
As the saying goes, material determines consciousness, so we may be able to draw inspiration from the parenting experience of European and American countries and seek some solutions and methods.
The main focus of the book, Antifragile Parenting, is on the educational problems that come with overprotective children.
The author, Dr. Madeleine Levine, is a clinical psychologist and an expert in parent-child education for more than 30 years.
Why do children live in times of abundance and rebel?
Why is it that children are so rebellious and even "miserable" when they live in such an era of abundance?
The reason is that parents are overly involved, resulting in children not getting the exercise they deserve;
Some children enjoy material advantages that stifle their spontaneity, creativity and enthusiasm, resulting in a loss of motivation.
As parents, we give enough doting, care, pressure and meticulous management, but deprive children of the opportunity to grow inside!
Reluctant to work hard for their children, many parents turn to hoping for their children's academic performance and extracurricular activities, but their expectations for family responsibilities are too low.
Such uneven expectations lead to children getting used to waiting for someone to "clean up the mess" rather than learning to prioritize things or manage time on their own.
I think this is why many children who seem to be excellent in primary school have great discomfort when they first enter the first year of junior high school.
Difficulties are the same for all children, but different children have very different attitudes and solutions to difficulties, which actually tests children's own time management skills, self-control and self-motivation.
Parents who are constantly interfering in their lives and learning hinder the most important task of childhood and adolescence development - the development of self-awareness, autonomy, which is what we often call independence!
Children are born as human beings, but parents do not recognize their role and do not know when their children will become adults.
In fact, it is the ignorant intervention or manipulation of parents that makes the child lose the process of free growth, and become dazed, frustrated, angry and even rebellious.
Do parents who pursue success hinder their children's self-development?
As a senior counselor, the author has an in-depth understanding of children and adolescents in wealthy families.
The book points out that children who live affluent lives are unhappy and have a high proportion of emotional problems, such as addiction, anxiety, depression, eating disorders, and various self-injurious behaviors.
What are the causes of these problems in children with privileged living conditions?
According to the authors: "Excessive stress, worried parents, and inappropriate values"
Varying degrees of harm were inflicted on the child. Therefore, as parents, we need to review the way we raise our children and make necessary corrections.
The general principles of parenting mentioned in the book are very consistent with the books I have read before and from my personal experience.
For example, parents should be loving and considerate, parents should understand their children more, communicate with them more, and give them more support, but do not overprotect their children, give them the freedom to be alone, and respect them;
When it comes to discipline and principles, parents should always be consistent and flexible in front of their children, leading by example and matching their words with their deeds.
In addition to these general principles, many of the details mentioned in the book are also worth pondering.
For example, the difference between intervention and support mentioned by the author:
"Support is related to the needs of the child, but intervention represents the needs of the parents".
The authors point out that because socializing and careers can take up a lot of time, parents tend to overestimate how close their children feel to them.
"Parents need to be vigilant and watch for persistent patterns of sadness, anxiety, listlessness, irritability, or cutting themselves in their children. ”
We all want our children to be physically and mentally healthy, so what is a healthy "self"?
The authors argue that children with a healthy sense of self are independent, liking themselves, accepting themselves, self-managed, having "empathy," and being generous and loving to others.
To help children develop themselves, parents should learn to relax and let go in a timely manner, so that children have a safe space to develop their interests and hobbies.
Without self-awareness and self-management, children are susceptible to peer pressure and make bad choices.
How can parents rationally cope with their children's anxiety and emotional crisis?
While children endure frustration, parents also need to be able to endure frustration, expressing disappointment, resentment, and even anger when children are unable to achieve their wishes, forced to solve problems on their own, or encounter setbacks.
Many of the parents of distressed adolescents I have treated have a common problem that they can't stand their children's unhappiness.
No parent doesn't understand that self-control is the key to success in life, but if we can't stand to see our children "unhappy" and feel compelled to give them "everything", then we can't teach our children the self-management skills that will keep them out of trouble.
The types of setbacks a child may encounter have a natural progression, and most of the time, the child encounters a problem that they are able to handle.
Sometimes I use the metaphor of a child climbing a ladder to illustrate the value of letting them experience increasing frustration.
For example, if a toddler trips on the first step, we just need to let them get up on their own, after all, even if they fall, it is only a slight fall.
If we intervene immediately ("Oh, he's too small, it's easy to get hurt this way"), it will discourage him from climbing up.
When we are anxious, he will be anxious with him, and he will lose the opportunity to practice perseverance in self-management.
Suppose he climbs one or two stairs and finds himself "taking a break" because he was snatching another child's toy from kindergarten.
If we immediately tell the teacher to "be nice to him, because he is going through this stage", we will make the next step of the ladder more difficult for him to climb. Not only will he feel anxious, but he will also lose the opportunity to look to the outside world to maintain balance, unable to learn about the real-world consequences of losing control.
At every stage of a child's life, there are setbacks, disappointments, challenges, and opportunities, and if parents find it difficult to tolerate the distress of their child, they will inevitably intervene and take over control without thinking, which will inevitably hinder the child's ability to continue climbing.
If a child does not repeatedly discover ways to manage frustration, even if it appears to be moving forward, he or she does not actually develop the necessary self-management skills such as self-control, perseverance, tolerating frustration and managing anxiety.
With these abilities, they will be able to solve more complex problems that they will face as they climb higher.
Children who find themselves empowered to get back on their feet and move forward have developed a set of self-management skills and resilience.
Write to the end
The book also gives "small methods" on how to carry out parent-child education based on the general rules of parent-child education, which are very operational, and make a concise and specific introduction to the cognitive development, social development and parenting strategies of children aged 2 to 17.
If you are interested in this book, you can buy it and read it according to the child's age, I believe it will definitely be rewarding.
The heavier the burden, the closer our life is to the earth, the more real it becomes.
On the contrary, when the burden is completely absent, man becomes lighter than air, floats, and is far removed from the earth and earthly life, and man becomes only a semi-real being, and his movement becomes free and meaningless.
In the same way, we should also learn to treat our children through the process of parenting, so that they can get close to the earth and feel the real human suffering and happiness.