My baby only likes dinosaur models, I can't get lost, I don't love anything else, what to do? My baby is this Ultraman dictionary, stories, books, Ultraman toys, see one to one, what to do?
My daughter only likes princesses, as long as the story has a princess, she likes it, without a princess, what to do?
Every time I receive such a message, I feel very empathy. A similar question, I asked the professor when I was studying early childhood education. The professor's answer is, then respect the child's choice. But Professor, don't you always emphasize that early education needs to be "diversified", and if you let the baby "stare at this play", won't it be impossible to diversify?
I asked the professor this question, and I believe that many friends will have the same question. Writing this article today, I will certainly not just say one sentence: respect for children. Behind the respect for children, there are still many points worth thinking about.
01
What am I afraid of?
Over the years, my mother has become more and more aware that if she does not solve her "inner" problems, it is useless to learn more parenting principles. Let's talk about this, baby loves baby, what are we afraid of? Children "don't learn and don't have skills", and those "loves" don't seem to be very "useful/beneficial"; even if they are "beneficial", there will be new worries, such as always reading picture books, poor vision, and poor athletic ability.
Even if your worries are not the above two, you will definitely find another high-sounding reason, which is "for the good of the child". I also, when I asked the professor that question, it happened that little D was more than 4 years old, addicted to role-playing games, and only loved to interact with me every day, playing various role-playing. She doesn't like to read picture books, has no willingness to interact with children of the same age, and pulls her out of the house, she is not very willing.
I've also learned about the benefits of role play for early childhood, such as imagination, creativity, language initiation, planning, and so on. However, no matter how good things can not only do this one, I still worry every day, why does this child only love to play this one game every day?
Later, the person who helped me untie the knot was not an expert in pedagogy, but a friend of psychology. She told me at the time that you are now caught up in an "illusion of nothingness", that is, you first think that there must be something wrong with your child.
Then you go around that conclusion and selectively look for all kinds of evidence, and you actually find it. For example, what you think in your mind is that because Little D was born prematurely, he will be worse than other children in all aspects of development, and there will be problems. With that premise in mind, you look at Little D and you find, hey, Little D only loves role-playing and nothing else — look, that's the proof that "there must be something wrong with my kids."
So what we're really anxious about is not because the child "just likes to play" with something, but because we always feel that "my child has a problem." The problem of the baby is only the tip of the iceberg, and the problem of the hidden mother below is what needs to be excavated and really faced. To me at the time, this passage was like a beam of light in the darkness. After thinking calmly, I admitted that I was "sick" in my heart, and I was worried about not being able to raise my children, so I was "sick" when I saw Little D.
This shift in consciousness helped me a lot, and I also had a change in behavior.
02
What did I change?
The first thing I changed was to let go of the idea of correcting little D's "mistakes" and instead to understand. There is no gratuitous "love and obsession", if you do not understand, you have to intervene, then this is the "arrogance" of adults.
At that time, the first thing I did was to crouch down, join the game she loves, and try to learn to understand why it was so fun from her perspective. Of course, before this, I actually accompanied Little D to play role-playing, but this time the difference is that I did not cope with things, but like the first time I discovered the New World, I explored, what is she obsessed with?
What did I find? I found that little D wasn't coordinated enough, and she was always left behind when playing with children her age; she was a little bit slow and cautious, but she did have social needs.
So, role-playing, and playing role-playing with me, is like her "safe harbor", she rehearses her missing skills in kindergarten over and over again in familiar scenes, at her pace, and even "hurts". You say, when I understand this, I will still say very strongly that she is "partial", she has not developed in an all-round way, do I have to intervene? Of course not!
Similarly, after receiving so many messages saying that children are "addicted", if we can also admit that it is their own problem, then crouch down to see the child and join in. We may say so, the child is active, after going to kindergarten, he begins to have rules and regulations, and when he is addicted to playing Ultraman, it is the only opportunity he can release his nature, play madly, there is no authoritative rule;
Many aspects of the child will always be said to be "not good enough", and reading picture books, especially dinosaur-themed picture books, is rare for her to be good at, is the sense of certainty that she can grasp; the child does not have the ability to play independently, and the most heard is "to play by himself", so he can only find the pleasure of playing from cartoons/games, these passive "play". There can be many, many answers, but certainly not for me to find the answer for you, but to see the children for myself.
03
Meet and co-build
So what can you do when you find the answer?
Meet first, to meet the unmet needs behind all the "addictions". In fact, children are the easiest to be satisfied, and they really don't need much, that is, to be supported and accepted by the dearest people.
Just like the girlfriend's son is addicted to Ultraman, the advice I gave later is that you play with him, and you have to remember the hundred or so different Ultramans, which can be distinguished and can be named. At first, my girlfriend did not agree with my "antidote" at all, but then she really executed it, and in the process she got the antidote herself. When she finally put down the mentality of changing her children to play Ultraman with her son, she found that it was particularly difficult to distinguish between more than 100 Ultramans, but his son could easily do it.
She began to ask her son for advice, how to observe the details, how to quickly memorize the family tree, in this process, the mother's heartfelt appreciation, the son is not doing it, and the parent-child relationship is coordinated a lot.
The repair of their relationship starts from the fact that the son is willing to play with the mother, and the mother is willing to play with the son, not nag. This is gratification, and the essence and foundation of all parenting begins with emotional flow, from the satisfaction of emotional needs.
What about co-construction? Under the premise of "satisfaction", we can expand a little from the comfort zone with our children. For example, Little D only loves to play role-playing, so I added the theme of the playground to the role-play so that I could take her to the house. I went to learn about the role-playing theme that kindergarten often played, and we played it at home in advance to help her better integrate in kindergarten.
Later, as Little D's athletic ability and social skills improved, she liked to role-play, and she also began to like to go out and play with children. For example, the girlfriend loves to play with Ultraman's son, she later took Ultraman and her son to adapt the picture book story, did not expect that in the process of playing like this, her son actually listened to more than a dozen picture books.
Later, the little boy still liked Ultraman, but he was not averse to reading picture books. Of course, there are some things that you can accept calmly, and it is no problem to build them completely.
Parents of people who come over will find that the child is a cat and a dog for a while, sometimes we do not pay too much attention, do not use too much force, after indifference, often after a period of time, the child himself will transfer interest. The reason why I still shared this method is because I also came here, and I know that there are too few parents who can completely lie flat at the moment.
Then at least choose some "no harm" methods, and take action, which is also a good way to cope with your anxiety. 4 The method I wrote in the end today to summarize is the core spirit that I repeatedly said in the book "Building a Children's Super Brain": interest starts, invests in what it likes, and leads by the situation. I grew up with no "love", only "what should be done".
When I grew up, I truly experienced how precious a life with love is, and how powerful love can burst out. I believe that there are many people who agree with this, but when it comes to raising a baby, it is easy for us to "repeat the same mistakes" and use the model we once hated to try to make our children accept "what should be done".
Love is not high or low. Never trample on your child's "love" in the name of being good for your child. Don't force intervention in your child's "love" because of your own inner fear. We don't understand the "love" of the child, so why bother with him?