Author | cuckoo
Source | Ten points of character history
ID | sdrenwu
For contemporary young men and women, if marriage is for happiness, then not marrying is also the same, and so is divorce.
Nowadays, "divorce" is no longer a sensational word, it represents the failure of an intimate relationship, but also represents the honesty of a man and a woman about this failure.
And failure is not shameful, everyone has the right to start again, after experiencing an unsuccessful marriage, some people will choose to take a short break to learn from it, some people will turn their heads to a new round of love.
How do divorced people enter into a new relationship? It is also a social issue worth exploring.
In public opinion, the emotional appeals of divorced women seem to be more likely to get attention.
They are often burdened with unconditional dedication to the previous family, carefully maintaining fragile marriages, and they are more willing to express their pains.
However, divorce always affects both husband and wife, and men's emotions are rarely paid attention to.
When men are defeated from an intimate relationship, how can the broken relationship system be rebuilt after the disaster? What lessons will they learn? In what way will you enter into a new relationship?
This time, we want to explore love, marriage, and responsibility from the perspective of divorced men.
Divorce has become a plus for love
Old Chen is in his early 40s this year, divorced for ten years, his girlfriend has not been broken, and even getting younger, the nearest girlfriend of 97 years, more than a round smaller than him, the personality does not fit together, together for 3 months, divided.
Every time he starts a new relationship, Lao Chen will not shy away from putting his true situation on the table: divorced, with two children, one ex-wife, one for him.
Like a well-known password, as soon as the words are spoken, just by looking at the reaction of the other person, he can roughly know how long the relationship will last.
The divorce has not become a dilemma for him to continue to chase love, but has become a measuring scale, and he does not have to bother to develop.
After the divorce, his attitude towards feelings was much lighter.
Desperate love he has experienced, entangled, the result is not good, after the responsibility is unloaded, only to consider whether he is happy.
Korean Drama "The World of Husbands and Wives"
Old Chen loves to play, nothing to go out with friends to drink, watch exhibitions, climb mountains, personality is familiar, like to talk about the mountains, and now social software is so popular, and then enter an intimate relationship is not difficult for him.
In the past, he would still worry about the disgrace of divorce in the end, not to mention that if he dragged his family with his mouth, would anyone be willing to fall in love with him?
Later, Lao Chen found that having experienced marriage in a sense became his plus.
In the last marriage, Old Chen cultivated a skill.
Home appliance assembly, furniture repair are personally done, did not find workers, so that whoever installs a table and chair, decoration to help what, as long as he is greeted, he must be in place, diligent and happy to take nothing.
And because he has been taking care of his daughter for many years, he has done a good job, has sufficient social experience, and the girls around him like to chat with him.
From the perspective of a person who came over, he gave guidance to women who were confused in love, and then gave good wine and good dishes, and the people who loved their families and reliable were so standing, and he tried it many times.
Of course, it is not excluded that he will also polish his last marriage experience a little and then tell others, men, or face.
There are men like Lao Chen who leisurely enjoy a divorced life, and there is a moment and a half that they can't get out of the emotional disorder.
In the year of Li Ran's divorce, he was preoccupied with his career, working overtime day and night, finding work for himself in death, and only wanting to make money.
The reason is simple, the ex-wife not only caused him a shadow and panic during the six-month divorce tore, but also transferred most of his property.
Li Ran opened his own company, and the only savings he had left to maintain the normal operation of the business, and when it was difficult, he could not even take out the money for a meal.
Love? Of course he wanted to, but what a mood.
Japanese drama "The Perfect Divorce"
However, at the age of 35, there is no confidant around him, so friends and family have found a ridiculous opportunity, while patting him on the back and saying: "Very good, you are free." ”
While holding his neck collar, he reprimanded: "Are you going to end up alone?" ”
Friends have introduced him to several girls, all of whom are young and more after 95, but Li Ran is not very eager to see.
Once, Li Ran really couldn't help but greet his friends, but in the end he still went to see a girl.
Li Ran thought, the first time to meet and eat must not be too cold, found several restaurants with more than 300 per capita sent to the girl to let her pick one to eat, the girl said that it is not hot pot or barbecue, too oily, she wants to lose weight.
After half a day, the girl sent him some restaurants, he looked, well, good guys, are more than 1,000 per capita Japanese food, Western food. Just like that, he gritted his teeth too.
Entering the Japanese food store, the dishes were not ready, the girl began to take pictures, pose, change postures, enter the house for 10 minutes, Li Ran did not even know what her name was.
Asked for the name, the girl said, call me wendy.
Li Ran joked and said, Oh, then you call me Jackson Lee.
But I was very confused in my heart, obviously they were all Chinese, why did they have a foreign name.
At that meal, Li Ran ate very unpleasantly, the girl was very beautiful and lively, but there was no topic he could catch.
The two talked about self-media to talk about Internet celebrities, he had not heard, talking about stars, Li Ran only knew Wang Yibo, or because Wang Yibo liked locomotives, he also liked locomotives, wang Yibo's works he had never seen.
It was hard to get to the last dish, the two chatted awkwardly for a while, Li Ran finally found an excuse to get up and pay the bill, the bill made him look black, more than 2500.
After that time, Li Ran ordered all the friends around him to warn that in a short period of time, if he did not take the initiative to seek help, please do not introduce him to the girl again, he could not afford this favor.
Li then came to think about it carefully, maybe the girl's performance that day was not so bad, maybe he was the old stubborn and could not keep up with the young girl's thoughts.
However, he knew in his heart that the biggest reason why the two did not have the following was that he wanted a romantic love, and he longed for the spark that burst when his eyes were facing each other, hoping to feel the heartbeat again.
Whether it is a friend introduction or a blind date, in his opinion, it is no different, it is too deliberate, unnatural, and the heart is rejected, and it is naturally unable to face strangers in the most relaxed state.
Movie "Siberian Tiger"
Those who don't want to fall in love are just ashamed to admit that even if he is no longer young, he still craves romantic love.
The girl later contacted Li Ran again, and it was one afternoon, when she first asked him if he had been okay recently, and then wanted Li Ran to give her some McDonald's to eat.
Li Ran replied to her: "Don't eat, aren't you losing weight?" ”
What a failed marriage leaves behind
With the improvement of the Marriage Law and the awakening of the independent spirit, people gradually realized that divorce is not terrible, what is terrible is the endless tearing and greed before the dust settles, which is especially embarrassing for men who put self-esteem first.
In Lao Chen's own words, the marriage to his ex-wife was a decision made without much thought under passion, like a large landing experiment, which failed.
Five years of marriage is not long, not even to the itchy period, but every day in the face of his wife's indifferent words, he can't stand it, and a few days before filing for divorce, he was reluctant to say a word to her.
Movie "Kim Ji-young born in 1982"
When the relationship between the two fell to the freezing point, Lao Chen ushered in another heavy blow, and the old man he respected most in his life, his grandmother, died.
Lao Chen's mother therefore moved in with him, one was to deal with the aftermath, and the other was to find a companion.
At this time, the wife stepped forward and said: "The funeral is over, when will your mother move away?" ”
Old Chen was angry at that time, and during that time, his mother's mood was very unstable, and she washed her face with tears all day long, which was not a sentence that should be said to someone who had just lost a loved one.
He didn't have time to fight with his wife, and he diverged from the topic in three words and two words.
A few days later, my wife asked, "What?" Won't your mother leave? ”
In an instant, the flames of war exploded, and no one wanted to give the other side a step down.
Lao Chen remembered that at that time, they were throwing things outside the door, arguing loudly, and the two daughters in the house were crying loudly.
Until Old Chen dropped a sentence: "Can't pass it, leave." ”
In this short marriage, no one made a mistake, just neither of them was happy.
Lao Chen often felt that there was an invisible fire in his heart, and every word of the other party was very harsh, and every behavior was unpleasant.
Blandness is the inevitable direction of every marriage, irreversible, but it can be escaped, until both people are exhausted and no one is willing to make any concessions.
The gesture of the marriage to the end is also ugly.
Because of the property problem, the two experienced a long and exhausting period of tug-of-war, and they were unable to reach a consensus.
The ex-wife, with anger, when Lao Chen went out once, took all the things in the house, washing machine, refrigerator, tv set, only a crucified bedside table was not dismantled, and the rest were all packed and brought back to her mother's house.
When Lao Chen returned home to see this scene, he was cold and angry, and he also decided to break the jar and break it and take his ex-wife to court.
It is also because of the temper of his ex-wife that Lao Chen avoids women with strange tempers and hot tempers.
It's just that everyone's personality always has to be found out in getting along, and Lao Chen, who often gropes in the love field, also has a time to lose his hand.
At that time he had a girlfriend of 96 years, and the girl had a big conflict with the family and suffered from mania.
Because of emotional instability, the girlfriend has an almost extreme desire to control Lao Chen, he must answer the phone in seconds, must reply to the message in seconds, and if he has time, he must accompany her around.
At first, Lao Chen only took these small problems as his girlfriend's way of clinging, and he enjoyed it, but after several hysterical arguments, Lao Chen felt that something was wrong, and his girlfriend's emotional problems seriously affected his life.
Because there are still children to take care of, Lao Chen has to go home no matter how late he is outside, so that he can make breakfast for the child the next day and send her to school.
But the girlfriend is very resistant to Lao Chen talking about her daughter, she feels that this is all an excuse for Lao Chen not to reply to the information, he is outside there are others, and then make a big fuss, a few times, even to the old Chen company.
When patience ran out, Lao Chen privately contacted his girlfriend's family and asked them to take her to the doctor, after which Lao Chen blocked all her information and completely cut off contact with her.
"Really too tired, do you say I like her?" Definitely liked it, but the feeling was so broken, she broke down, I broke down, much like when I was divorced, I couldn't stand it and couldn't come back again. ”
Relieved from a tense relationship again, Lao Chen completely looked away, nothing can rival his own happiness and relaxation is important, compared to talking about a torturous and indisting relationship, single is not terrible.
After the divorce, Lao Chen mastered the emotional self-consistency, but not all men are as lucky as he is.
Movie "Day Face"
Lin Qing's divorce was done by himself, he cheated and was discovered by his ex-wife, and the two calmly sat down to explain things clearly.
"I have nothing to say, I can get out of the house to compensate you." The ex-wife left him only a dog and a motorcycle.
When the whole person moved out of the house, Lin Qingka, who was about to celebrate his 50th birthday, only had less than 10,000 yuan left.
At that time, it was the outbreak of the epidemic, Lin Qing had difficulty renting a house, and he could not pay the rent, so he had to live in his girlfriend's house.
In the age of knowing the destiny of heaven, Lin Qing became a poor egg because of a love adventure.
Is it worth it? Lin Qing hesitated for a while, from the perspective of money, he was unwilling, but from the moral point of view, he knew that he was wrong and needed to take responsibility.
The ex-wife and he were a troubled couple, and had seen each other's most depressed side, when both of them had no money, often saved money, shared a bowl of tofu brain for breakfast, and ate boiled noodles in water at night.
He shouldn't, and couldn't, treat her badly.
The passion faded, and Lin Qing went to another path that was undesirable in the eyes of ordinary people, injecting new vitality into his life.
After paying a painful price and taking the risk of daring to pursue love, Lin Qing has always ridiculed himself as a model of the fire in the old house, but soon, a basin of cold water poured on him.
Movie "Lucky Elevator"
Because his girlfriend said to him, "When are we going to get married?" ”
Lin Qing said: "At that time, my head was 'buzzing' because I had secretly decided not to enter a marriage again. ”
A sentence from her girlfriend washed away Lin Qing's heart and liking for her.
At that moment, he felt that the woman in front of him was very strange, he liked her because of her freedom, he thought she was different from other girls, he did not expect that women would urgently want to enter marriage at a certain stage of love, and she was no exception.
Lin Qing advised her, you don't know the pain of marriage, I am the person who came over, we must not slow down.
The girlfriend said firmly, "I don't." ”
It is not difficult to get out of the emotional blow of divorce, the difficulty is how to pick up the responsibility again to face the next long-term and stable relationship.
Men are also afraid, afraid of being tied up again, consuming again, afraid of not being free. It's not that you can't promise again, it's just that you're unusually cautious.
Lin Qing later said: "Friends also advised me, very good girl, why not go into a marriage again, I always say wait, look again, in fact, I don't know what I am waiting for, what I am watching." ”
Concerns and choices
The unsuccessful nature of a marriage has not stopped men from chasing love.
Perhaps human beings have such a desire for intimacy, no matter how afraid they will love, no matter how late they have to go.
But with love, there will be concerns, and their own situation is different, and the things they need to consider are different.
Lao Chen is most worried about his daughter's opinion, at present, the two daughters in the family are in the rebellious stage of adolescence, how to make them accept another love between their fathers in addition to their mothers is the first headache.
He tried dating women with children who were also divorced, hoping to get some advice from each other, but the two had a big fight over the concept of divorce and parenting.
The object of love again, whether he can be good to his daughter and cherish his daughter, is the first condition for him to consider when he enters a long-term relationship.
But until now, his daughters haven't met his girlfriends much, because he has rarely been in love for more than two years.
He is not in a hurry, slowly looking for it, he can always find the right one.
Korean drama "Penthouse"
After the divorce, Lao Chen's mentality has always been very relaxed, divorce is more like a relief for him, he has long felt the pleasure of everything being decided by himself.
And Lin Qing's love, at this time, added a sense of coercion, his girlfriend is pregnant, in order to take on the responsibility of his father, he had to invest in a marriage again.
"It's all about the kids." Lin Qing was very frank.
At the moment of deciding to take responsibility, Lin Qing suddenly had no worries about the relationship, and he firmly believed that he had to get married and had no choice.
Only occasionally worried about the opinions of family and friends, will they accept Lin Qing entering another marriage so quickly?
Last time, Lin Qing was the wrong party, and this marriage, whether it was a kind of redemption or a last resort, he was still full of confidence in the new marriage relationship.
This is a complete growth, he has become calm and confident, he has come out of the house, his career needs to be re-developed, perhaps what he needs is a stable relationship, he can have a goal to strive for, but before he himself did not realize.
Li Ran also found a girlfriend, and the plot of the two together is very much in line with the romantic setting he wants.
Three years ago, Li Ran was still in the last marriage, accidentally passed by the central square, saw a girl with a clear eyebrow taking pictures, Li Ran thought she was good-looking, and he paid more attention to her heart.
A few days later, Li Ran met with the supplier because of her work, and the person who came was the girl she had seen in the square a few days ago, Li Ran learned that her name was Xiao Du, and then she talked and became friends.
After the divorce, Li Ran was reluctant to invest in a relationship with strangers from scratch, but through several work meetings, he had a lot of good feelings for Xiao Du.
At this time, Xiao Du knew for the first time that they had originally met three years ago, and there had been such a relationship.
The two talked about love, and Li Ran felt that Xiao Du was just like the first sight, which made him very moved.
It's just that after a long time, the two will inevitably talk about their future plans, Li Ran is very direct: "I feel that I will not easily step into a marriage, and now we are very happy to get along like this." ”
Xiao Du softly echoed him, Li Ran did not notice, his voice just fell, the light in Xiao Du's eyes gradually dimmed.
epilogue
Although it cannot be generalized, through the above cases, it is not difficult to see that men who have left a failed marriage and enter a stable romantic relationship are more anxious about the responsibilities they need to bear and the freedom they are about to lose.
How to achieve a trade-off between public prejudice and their own demands tests their consciousness of taking responsibility.
Some people are willing to continue to face the many terms attached to love, and some people still avoid it and choose one dew love affair after another.
But in any case, there is one thing that people can at least agree on:
Even if divorced, even after experiencing embarrassing and intriguing intimate relationships, ordinary people can never give up love, which is the last action of human beings to save romance in the current social environment.
Click "Watching" and embrace love.
The names in the article are pseudonyms.
Author | This article is sourced from Ten Points of Personality (ID: sdrenwu).
Image | Originated from the Internet, if there is infringement, please contact to delete.