Wen | Northern Su
Beisu, a second-level psychological counselor, focuses on marriage and emotions, and carefully creates every emotional column to take you to meet a better self and meet a better emotional relationship.
01
Does he still love it? Or if he loves enough, he can't betray it? Or maybe his betrayal proves to be not loving enough, how can I trust him?
I often encounter similar questions among my clients, indeed, if the party who betrayed the marriage is no longer loving or unloving, then what is the point of forgiveness, and how can the marriage be happy.
However, often the more people who are entangled in these problems, the more difficult it is to make a decisive choice, the more they will be resentful of this betrayal, the more they will be confused about how to choose, and the more painful and tired they will be.
From the perspective of the betrayed person, only by clarifying "whether there was love before", "whether there is love now" and "whether it will be true love in the future" can we truly let go of the worries in our hearts and give ourselves the strength to believe in marriage and believe in partners.
Marriage has experienced betrayal, and if you want to continue marriage, you really need a clear "sense of security", but this sense of security cannot be love, nor can it be completely interpreted and verified by love, which is a misunderstanding that most of the betrayed people are easy to confuse and cannot jump out.
02
After experiencing betrayal, intending to forgive the betrayal and continue the marriage, and wanting to let yourself go and start over, this requires the betrayed person to have a new understanding of this betrayal.
In the original understanding, the betrayed person will define himself as the victim, will interpret the betrayal of his partner as not loving himself enough, and will naturally worry about whether there are still feelings in the next marriage that can make him trust, and whether he can ensure that he will not be hurt and disappointed again.
In these consciousnesses, if you want the betrayed person to continue the marriage, let go of the occurrence of betrayal and no longer indulge in pain, there seems to be only one possibility, that is, the betrayer can give the marriage enough security:
The betrayer needs enough return and positive restribution, or he needs to have a very clear attitude of admitting mistakes and making amends, as well as actions and words of affection.
These attitudes are a manifestation of love, a partner's love for his family and marriage in his heart, and it seems that only with these loves that have been betrayed dare to try to let go of doubts and worries, and dare to try to trust his partner again.
If the love of the partner and his active return to the family are an equation, then the betrayed person can easily overturn this equation, because the betrayal has happened, and the betrayal is a negation of the family marriage and the betrayed person, that is, not loving; having not loved the betrayal, how can it be able to love again, and how can the return be sincere.
Love = return; betrayal = no love; no love = deny marriage = deny yourself; deny yourself = will not return sincerely = will not love again
No more love = no sincerity = being hurt again = insecurity
In fact, in the heart of the betrayed, it has been determined that they are not loved, the partner returns to be active, make more efforts, the betrayed person is insecure, it is clear that the sense of security should be obtained in another way, and it is difficult to reshape with love.
03
Forgive the betrayal, the experience of the next marriage and the betrayal needs to be split, and the understanding of the next marriage and the betrayal must also be reorganized.
First of all, the purpose of continuing marriage is not to bear pain, let alone to make yourself entangled and uneasy in marriage, so the betrayed person must know that he needs a sense of security, and he must actively create and re-establish this sense of security for himself.
Secondly, the experience of encountering betrayal does imply that there is a problem with feelings, and cannot be explained by love or no love alone, there are many factors in the promotion of problems in feelings, only by aware and exploring the real cause of emotional problems, the love in feelings will really play a role, helping two people to establish intimacy and connection.
In the re-sorted cognition, one way can explore how to establish a sense of security, and the other way to re-establish the feeling of loving and being loved on the basis of a sense of security.
Although security and love are equally important, under the new understanding, security and love are not connected by equations, and security can be used as the basis of "love".
Rebuilding a sense of security can be carried out from three aspects, one is the attitude of the partner, the husband and wife can communicate and communicate, so that the partner can change and act in the process of return, so that his attitude becomes the basis for the continued security of the marriage.
The second is the mode of husband and wife getting along, by improving the state of getting along, so that the betrayed person's emotions and companion needs have an appropriate response, and then derive confidence in the next life of marriage.
The third is to start from oneself, be aware of one's own state, see the state of "worrying about the sense of marital security, and you have not acted for it", understand your own state is the beginning of change, help the betrayed person from the "state of worry" to the "state of action", and their own action is the greatest sense of security belonging to the betrayed.
04
After the sense of security is established, it is the beginning of the exploration of "love", the beginning of re-sorting out love, combing through the problems related to betrayal and love, and the beginning of re-injecting love into marriage.
The first step, with the purpose of eliminating pain and doubts, the betrayed person can "calmly" explore with his partner why the marriage has problems, is this not enough love?
Going back to exploring betrayal after the relationship has eased will not only help couples reduce conflict, but also help both spouses explore the real problems in the relationship.
Of course, this process of inquiry needs to be calm, without accusation, in order to understand where the problem is, and the purpose is to explore what causes affect the feelings and love between husband and wife.
This helps the betrayed party to change the model of looking at the marriage crisis from the perspective of "being hurt" to the perspective of "exploring what problems exist in marriage";
The former is complaining, the latter is to solve the problem rationally, so that the marriage problem has the opportunity to improve and solve, and the love needed by the betrayed person has the opportunity to return to the husband and wife interaction.
There is also a very important point in this step: it can give the betrayed party the strength to withdraw from the entanglement of "partner betrayal, that is, not enough love".
The process of exploring marital problems will make the betrayed person more clearly understand the problems encountered in marriage, more is the marriage relationship is not smooth, betrayal is not equal to love.
The second step, based on the need for love, the betrayed person can sincerely and bravely explore their respective needs for the relationship with their partners, and jointly establish a new mode of getting along, so that the relationship can re-nourish love and love.
After objectively recognizing that betrayal is a problem of the past mode of marriage, it is not difficult to re-nourish love and make a loving connection between husband and wife.
As long as the mode of getting along is changed, as long as the husband and wife begin to understand each other, respond to and support each other in the process of interaction, and actively assume their respective responsibilities in marriage and family, the feelings transmitted to each other by the relationship will heat up.
When the relationship heats up and people feel comfortable in the relationship, love is slowly nourished and the love is gradually deepened; the newly enhanced emotions and love will become a closer connection between husband and wife, and will build a foundation for the continuous stability of feelings.
05
When experiencing betrayal and wanting to choose forgiveness, it is necessary to explore the questions of "whether you don't love" and "will you love in the future", but under the choice of forgiveness and betrayal, you must understand that you want more than an answer, and it is not a stable life that you give you through your partner.
You need to reflect and grow from the marriage crisis, have a deeper understanding and understanding of the "love" in marriage, know how to make love for yourself in the need for love, let yourself have love, and also let yourself and your marriage bathe in love.
For a marriage that has experienced betrayal, it seems that there is clear love to be safe; in fact, it is to repair the relationship first, feel the love in the process of repairing the relationship, and repair the love to promote love, which will give you a relatively easier and more secure ending to happiness and security.
Finally, if you are in the predicament of experiencing betrayal, because you can't give up your marriage and want to forgive the betrayal, but you are worried that your partner will not love, or you are worried that your partner will not love again, and you have been consumed a lot of energy, and you have to endure a lot of pain and entanglement, you must understand:
You can't let yourself suffer anymore, you have to take yourself to the life you want, to fight for your happiness; to make the right effort for the "love" you need.