What does a perfect marriage look like?
Some people say that it is love and harmony, never quarrel, and husband and wife always remain in love.
Some people say that it is the hand of the son, and the son and the old, each other have become a better version of themselves.
Everyone looks forward to a perfect marriage, but unfortunately, perfect marriage is rare.
According to statistics, the divorce rate in the country has continued to rise in recent years, and many couples have made this decision within three years of marriage.
The two people entered the marriage with longing, but they quickly withdrew, which made people sigh.
Even those partners who accompany the old are rarely perfect, they will be angry at each other, they will complain to each other, and they will regret countless times why they chose this person next to them.
There is a saying: "Marriage is not only the practice of two people, but also the epiphany of one person." ”
Instead of pursuing a perfect marriage for two people, it is better to adjust your expectations and cognition, so that it is easier to get closer to happiness.
The American drama "The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel" tells the story of Mickey Maisel's coming-of-age story.
Born into a Jewish family, she was clever and clever, excelled in her studies, and cultivated herself to perfection and refinement.
After getting married, she and her husband lived in a high-end apartment in Manhattan, and they looked very happy with two children.
In order to maintain her perfect image, she never showed her plain face, removed her makeup every night after her husband fell asleep, and then put on makeup before his husband woke up, and pretended that she had just gotten up.
In addition, she also insisted on exercising, always measuring her wrists, thighs and other parts with a ruler, and absolutely did not allow her figure to be out of shape.
She also practiced cooking meticulously, cleaned up the family in an orderly manner, and even served as her husband's agent to help him clear the obstacles on the road to the development of talk shows.
Such a perfect woman, anyone who looks at it can't help but marvel.
However, the husband filed for divorce for a woman who could not even use an electric pencil knife.
There is a saying: "Perfection represents distance, and marriages that do not see shortcomings are destined to be plastic-grade, fragile and fragile." ”
Mrs. Maisel pursues perfection and strict self-discipline, which is not wrong in itself, but in marriage, it is inevitable to bring invisible pressure to the partner.
Think about it:
If your wife is nervous all the time, and rarely smiles in order to do things right, will you find it difficult to breathe in marriage?
If your husband were to demand you with a "perfect" ruler at all times, with delicate makeup, a charming figure, and a watertight speech, would you feel energized?
Too much pursuit of perfection, either let yourself live too hard, or let the other party feel very tired.
When the relationship becomes heavier and heavier, the two people will drift apart and even go their separate ways.
You know, marriage entangles two real and living people together, from chai rice oil and salt to stumbling.
It is those unique traits and small pieces of fault that make the person around us different from "others" and become our partner.
It is also those imperfect details that make the two hearts gradually approach in the run-in, so that the relationship between each other is more solid and intimate.
Not long ago, her friend Reiko and her husband celebrated their 10th wedding anniversary.
The other couples are getting more and more haggard, but they are getting better and better, and I can't help but ask for experience.
Reiko said that after getting married, her biggest change was that the layer of "filter" to see her husband disappeared.
After the husband took off his socks, he was still used to throwing it casually, no longer grinning, but behaving vulgarly;
My husband smiled when he encountered anything, no longer optimistic and open-minded, but did not take her feelings to heart.
Reiko cried about her grievances, and her husband explained why:
Throwing socks casually is because I was too tired after a day of work and didn't remember to clean up in time; and I always hit Reiko's words haha, hoping to quickly resolve her pressure and worries...
Reiko found that if she still held a love mentality to run a marriage, without entering real life, it was easy to be a chicken feather.
From that day on, Reiko and her husband agreed to discover an advantage of each other every day and write it down.
For example, the husband throws socks at will, loves to snore when sleeping, but the cooking is delicious, and the education of children is very patient.
For example, although Reiko loves to nag and always like to think wildly, her mind is delicate and can take into account the feelings of everyone in the family...
They look down on each other's shortcomings, magnify each other's advantages, precipitate their full love in the years, and double down on giving each other.
Slowly, the husband and wife got along more and more happily, and the children grew up optimistic.
Miyazaki said: "Love, not to find a perfect person, but to learn to appreciate the imperfect person with perfect eyes." ”
Instead of striving for perfection and keeping your eyes on the high places, it is better to change the angle and look at each other's advantages.
Every happy person will eventually understand that looking down is not to admit defeat, but to be open-minded after changing their mentality, and compromise is not weakness, but cherishing after investing in marriage.
John Gottman said in Happy Marriage: "The hardest company in the world to run is the family; the most difficult relationship is husband and wife." ”
Marriage is a long journey, husband and wife is a rare fate, only by operating with heart, can we write a happy future.
Throughout those marriages that accompany the elderly, the husband and wife have brought these three "hearts".
The first heart knows how to appreciate.
Recall, how long have you not liked each other?
When you think about the beginning, when you meet each other and find that the other party is so cute and special, you hold his hand and hope to pour out your full love to him.
But slowly, more picky, less likes, the light in his eyes disappears, and the happiness you perceive gradually decreases, how sorry!
I agree with the saying: "The more bad marriages are broken, the more bitter they are, and the more good marriages are sweeter." ”
If two people want to maintain the sweetness of marriage, they are not using a magnifying glass to find each other's shortcomings, nor are they chewing on the pain of the past again and again, but to give each other appreciation and praise, and rekindle each other's passion and energy.
The second heart, willing to be tolerant.
There is a saying: "The human heart is not conquered by force, but by love and tolerance." ”
Deeply.
Although strength and oppression can make people afraid, what can really enter people's hearts is long love and silent tolerance.
In marriage, tolerance is the secret weapon that binds each other together and never goes away.
Finding that her husband accidentally burned his rice, instead of being anxious to criticize, he smiled indifferently and encouraged him to try again;
Seeing his wife inadvertently break the bowl, it is not angry accusation, but a laugh, comforting her "broken peace"...
A little more understanding and understanding between husband and wife, give each other some time to adjust, give each other a little space to grow, so that the marriage will get better and better.
The third heart is willing to give.
There is a concept in psychology, called "emotional account", which means that everyone has an account in their hearts, and the other party makes you move or happy, and deposits in your emotional account;
On the contrary, the other party makes you feel aggrieved and depressed, that is, the other party withdraws money from your emotional account.
If you have more and more "deposits", you will feel happy and feel sweet when you think of each other.
If the other party always "withdraws" money from you, and your account becomes negative, then your relationship is not far from disintegrating.
In turn, the other person feels the same way.
This reminds us that marriage does not mean that the relationship is once and for all, but that we should give with our hearts and make each other feel loved and cared for.
A glass of water late at night when we are thirsty makes us feel valued; being listened to in troubled moments makes us feel understood.
Those daily bits of care, and meticulous care, all soothe each other's anxiety and accumulate warm happiness.
I like this passage:
"Marriage is a castle with your comrades in charge of the Alliance.
Marriage is a contract, and the other party is the partner entrusted by your life and death.
Since we have the opportunity to come together, we must learn to forgive his imperfections. ”
A little more appreciation can ignite the light in each other's eyes;
A little more tolerance can soothe your heart;
Giving a little more can enhance each other's feelings.
Marriage may not be perfect, it may be problematic, but as long as we manage it with our hearts, we can reap happiness.
Click [watching], the rest of your life is long, may you and I meet the person who plucks the heartstrings, in the days of thin water and long flow, compose a happy music together.
Pictures | Visual China