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More importantly, only by knowing how to live a very expensive life can we be cherished; knowing how to live a valuable life can we be respected.
- Qing Xu
Text | Qing Xu Picture | Source network
Joy or sorrow - there I have always been with you
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There is a question on the Internet: "How to see if a woman's marriage is happy or not?" ”
One of the high praises replied that it was to see if she had a "sense of sacrifice".
In other words, if a woman feels like she's giving a lot, then her marriage must be less than happy.
As there is a saying in Jane Eyre as well:
"Love is a game, and we must always be inseparable and evenly matched with each other, in order to rely on each other for a long time, because too strong opponents make people tired, and too weak opponents are boring." 」
When I was young, I always thought that how much I paid in marriage would definitely gain a lot.
After half a lifetime, I gradually woke up to the fact that it was a mistake to pay too much.
Rather, learn to be selfish, let the wounded self live easily, and let the tired marriage become a new look.
A woman's good life starts with "selfishness".
01
Blindly paying, can not be exchanged for a happy marriage
"Obviously I have paid so much for this relationship, why can't I still change his good looks?"
In the early hours of yesterday morning, my girlfriend Kobayashi called with a handful of snot and tears.
She cried to me that her husband, Xiao Li, had become increasingly cold to her since they got married.
If you think about it, it has already begun to appear.
When she and Xiao Li were in love, although they had been together for three years, they were keen to worry about this and that for Xiao Li, like an old mother.
She was afraid that Xiao Li would not eat well in the company, so she personally cooked a bento box every day and sent it to him;
She was afraid that Xiao Li did not have new clothes to wear, and immediately spent all the wages she had just sent down, just to buy the latest one for Xiao Li;
Even if Xiao Li travels to work, she also has to help Xiao Li set a comfortable hotel, afraid that he will not sleep well.
I advised Kobayashi not to be too nice to her boyfriend, otherwise she would suffer in the end.
But this sister couldn't listen to it, not to say that I must have looked away, and I rushed to get a marriage license with Xiao Li.
After marriage, Kobayashi played the role of "old mother" to the fullest.
Not only is the housework all-inclusive, busy every day, but also distressed that Xiao Li is making money outside and working hard, and deliberately saves money to buy clothes for himself to subsidize the family.
But having done so much, Xiao Li not only did not feel grateful, but also always quarreled with Xiaolin because of some trivial things.
In the face of her husband's repeated and ruthless accusations, Xiaolin could no longer swallow this breath and proposed a divorce to Xiao Li.
Most of the time, adult marriages are just that cruel.
Especially for women, the more you give for your significant other, the harder it is to win the respect and understanding of your significant other.
Because, you spend the most precious time and energy in your life on a man, and naturally you don't have the heart to manage yourself well, and you lose your value in his heart.
Qian Zhongshu said: "Marriage is a besieged city, people outside the city want to go in, people in the city want to come out." ”
No matter how happy the marriage is, it is inevitable that there will be a realistic side.
You have value, pay to be valued; you are worthless, no matter how much you pay, you will eventually be regarded as a mustard.
02
Good marriages are a little "selfish"
I once watched an anonymous netizen share his story online.
Before getting married, she was an executive at a public company, so busy every day that she couldn't even eat a few bites of food, let alone have time to meet her boyfriend.
Fortunately, however, they had a deep affection and soon got married.
After marriage, she did not give up her career because of this, and still lived the same life as before marriage, working when she worked and socialized.
In the face of the birth of her in-laws, she withstood the pressure and said that she was in the rising period of her career and did not consider having children first.
Because she knows very well in her heart that only by taking good care of herself can she take care of a family.
Now, although she has a baby, her life is still full of taste and ease. Because the income is not low, she paid her aunt to help with the baby at home.
And it is the confidence brought by this money that makes her no need to reach out to her husband for money, let alone look at her in-laws' faces.
Free time, in addition to work, she also insists on exercising every day, doing a good job of maintenance, and her face and spirit are far superior to her peers.
She will not pestering her husband every day, traveling when she has nothing to do, and shopping with her sisters.
As a result, her husband not only did not blame her, but also respected her very much, and would give priority to her feelings in everything.
This netizen seems to be "selfish", but in fact, he is well versed in the way of marriage - only by managing himself can he manage marriage well.
As the philosopher Erich Fromm said:
"Love is not the kind of love that completely dissolves the self in another person, nor the kind of love that has another person, but the love that becomes one with others on the basis of preserving the individual self."
Similarly, a good marriage is often based on the self-improvement of both parties in order to go to the end for a long time.
Therefore, women who can really control marriage know how to shape their own value and make themselves shine.
They are never afraid of the accusations and complaints of the other half, and they are not afraid that the other half will leave at any time.
03
Understanding "selfishness" is the best way for a woman to live in marriage
Friend Lingling, married for more than ten years, the marital status is still like a hot love.
I'm curious, why is someone else's marriage more and more boring, but her marriage can still keep it fresh?
She told me that being properly "selfish" in a marriage is the only way to make yourself happier.
When she first got married, Lingling gave up her career and resigned to be a housewife at home.
She not only took care of the family's affairs, but in order to make her husband feel at ease outside to work hard, she would rather carry it alone when she was sick.
In this way, he suffered himself, but he could not exchange his husband's kind words, and he was still considered to eat idle food.
Ling Ling realized that instead of paying silently at home, she was criticized. It is better to do what you want to do and try to be at ease.
She no longer wastes her time on housework, but takes certificates, learns to draw, and has her own career; she no longer intimately organizes things for her husband, but lets him do it himself...
Slowly, it wasn't until her husband took on most of the housework that he realized Lingling's difficulties.
For women, the so-called selfishness is not to give up marriage, but to choose another way to tell each other: they need love, need care, and need to understand and considerate.
After all, the truth of marriage is that no one wants to ignore themselves to cater to each other, and they are even more unwilling to hollow themselves out to take care of each other.
The writer Liang Wendao said: "Whether it is a man or a woman, if he does not have the ability to live a good life by himself, then he does not have the ability to live a good life with others." ”
If the marriage is a chicken feather, no one will help, no one will hurt, and no one will understand. Instead of swallowing pain and swallowing grievances, it is better to be kind to yourself, enrich yourself, and let the road ahead go a little better.
Only when you live yourself as a beam of light can you dispel the darkness of marriage and live a happy marriage.
04
Many people think that women should sacrifice themselves for the family and pay silently, but this is not the case.
In marriage, if one party will only give and the other party will only take, the relationship between husband and wife is doomed to fall apart.
Therefore, women learn to be "selfish" and it is also a good way to maintain a marriage.
Women, live a "little more expensive", marriage is happier.
May the rest of our lives be able to love each other well, and we will love ourselves even more.
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