Yi said that the gathering place for women's growth, may you not wear armor, you can resist thousands of life is not easy, welcome attention.
If you have been married for more than five years, you should still be cautious when advising you to do so, it is likely that your concessions and relocations will become the fuse of marital contradictions, or the beginning of a chicken feather.
In the TV series "Female Psychologist", Horton is a counselor who receives a couple of visitors. The two have their own grievances, the wife suspects that the husband runs outside every day to dance, it is a problem, and the husband is even more aggrieved, he just dances health exercises, without any careful thinking.
However, it is like entering a strange circle between them, the more the wife clings to it, the more she can find various problems, and the more the husband wants not to cause misunderstanding, the result is more and more misunderstanding. This couple is like the marriage of many middle-aged people, the two people obviously do not want to divorce, they both want to live a good life, but this day is not good, chicken flying dog jump, a chicken feather.
Horton told them that this is a pattern in intimate relationships called the chase mode. Just like two people who want to go side by side, the result is that one wants to catch up, and the other is trying to escape, it can be said that this chase mode has become a big trap in marriage, so that many marriages have come to an end.
The husband said that his wife is very capable of doing everything for him after marriage, he will accommodate and give in order not to have contradictions, but he did not expect that his wife would not trust himself more and more, and the more he gave in to his wife, the more he doubted that he did not want to live a good life, and there were more and more misunderstandings.
We can clearly see that the husband's concession or tolerance has not been exchanged for the solution of the problem, but has formed an escape, yes, he is escaping the solution of the problem, and the wife wants to get the response of the husband, and the result is that the husband escapes and runs away, which is to run hard; the wife sees that the husband always escapes, she is more afraid, and she must cling to the husband, so that it forms a hard chase.
This seems to have become an inexplicable circle, or a curse.
How to break the chase and escape mode? This is a problem that requires the joint efforts of both husband and wife to solve.
First, there is the problem of evading one side. For the husband who has fled, his personality and thinking habits determine that when he faces the conflict between husband and wife, he chooses to escape, thinking that escape can dilute and eliminate the problem with time, which shows that when the wife asks questions, he is concerned about him, or prevaricates, but the result is worse, the lie is exposed, the ambiguous attitude is questioned, and it becomes an unexplainable misunderstanding.
Generally speaking, avoidance is not knowing how to solve the problem and not wanting to face the contradiction of the problem. In the husband's view, what he says, the wife can not understand his meaning, he answered the wife's question, it seems that it can not solve the problem, but make the wife more angry, over time, he can only choose to avoid the problem, avoid the conflict.
If you want to solve the problem of escape, you must first be aware of your own escape psychology, and when you encounter a problem, the first reaction is not to flee, but to face. Then pay attention to observe what the other party's needs are, rather than avoiding the conflict when they see it, just wanting to hide, not to feel the other party's emotions and the needs behind the questioning.
Second, there is the problem of catching up with one side. Just like grabbing a handful of sand in your hand, the more you want to grasp the sand and don't let it leak, the sand will leak faster, if you want the sand not to leak, try to loosen a little and you will find that it really does not leak. The chasing party also has this problem, the more step by step, the more the other party feels unfree and controlled, involuntarily want to flee.
If you want to solve the problem of chasing, you must first slow down your own pace, or even stop the pace of chasing, adjust yourself to see what your needs are, whether you express clearly, what practices you have made the other party want to escape, only by thinking clearly about these problems and trying to adjust, can you improve the pursuit mode and break the spell.
Horton reminds his wife that there is a deviation in expressing his needs, that is, he has not expressed his needs correctly. For example, if the husband wants to go dancing, the wife does not want him to go, wants the husband to accompany her at home, but the words she says are questioning the husband what he is doing, rather than directly telling the husband that I do not want you to go out.
The husband himself did not perceive the deep meaning behind the wife's question, and the answer was naturally not what the wife wanted, but it caused a greater quarrel, and both people felt very aggrieved and thought that the other party did not understand themselves.
The people who chase and flee stop, the people who chase learn to express their needs correctly, and the people who run learn to turn around and look at each other's needs, so that they can break the chase and escape mode, and also make the marriage conflict dilemma come out of the trough.
As Horton said, in each marriage, everyone's focus and ideas are different, but as a couple, it is also very important to understand each other's needs and pay rather than blindly taking, and only when the demand and giving tend to be balanced is the most stable marriage.
Whether the marriage has a sense of security or has a degree of happiness, in the final analysis, the interaction and expression of both husband and wife are needed to achieve the balance of the relationship, most of the marital problems are the imbalance of the relationship, this mode of pursuit is the most common mode of relationship imbalance, and the relationship model is aware and broken in order to make the marriage relationship intimate again.
Husband and wife quarrels are not terrible, I am afraid that after the quarrel, I will not find a way to solve the problem and resolve the contradiction, and escape will never be the most effective way to solve the problem, but simply emphasize the tolerance and compromise accommodation in the marriage, which can only make the balance of the marriage unbalanced, and let the problem accumulate and the contradiction intensify. Especially after experiencing the initial marriage run-in, making the intimate relationship smoother requires active attention and awareness of the needs of both parties, and can correctly express themselves and guide the other party to express themselves correctly.
A good marriage allows both parties to grow together, nourish each other, make yourself like yourself more, and become a better version of yourself.
(The pictures are from the screenshots of the TV series "Female Psychologist", if there is any infringement, please contact to delete)