Wen Xinran is a national second-level psychological counselor
Creation is not easy, infringement must be investigated
Introduction
Along with the controversy and praise along the way, the "Female Psychologist" that was suppressed first and then yang, all 40 episodes were broadcast.
In the first 38 episodes, a total of 7 wonderful cases were contributed: suicide crisis intervention, panic disorder attack, marital phobia, binge eating disorder, flattering personality, postpartum depression, imperfect victims, each case is very representative and resonates a lot.
The last 2 episodes present the 8th case, which is less thrilling than the previous ones, but more universal.
It can happen in any family, any couple.
In the counseling room, Da Fang and Lao Song are receiving marriage counseling.
They give the filled form to the psychologist Horton, and Da Fang accidentally sees that her husband has ticked "divorce" in the form.
She suddenly lost control of her emotions, began to scold Lao Song, and threw out all the items in her hand.
While dodging, Lao Song provoked: "You throw, you smash the water cup."
Da Fang picked up the cup and was about to smash it, but was stopped by Horton.
Horton wrote four words in his notebook: Chase and Escape Mode.
This model, in those families who are "inseparable and not good", is staged almost every day.
01
What is Chase Mode?
In a separate consultation between Horton and Da Fang, she accused Lao Song like this: "I don't know how much wrongs I have suffered over the years; however, he doesn't know that you are doing your best to be good to him, and he is still looking for Xiao San outside..."
Regarding the affair, Dafang mentioned 4 things:
1, no one cares about his heavy things, but he sees that Lao Song is busy taking things for his female dance partner
2, Lao Song did not go home at 9 o'clock at night, lied that he was organizing an event, but was actually with a female dance partner
3, every day wear the clothes sent by the female dance partner, and also send gifts to each other
4, and the female dance partner on the phone like a thief, save her phone to 10086
For Dafang's accusations, Lao Song said that he was innocent and just liked the feeling of relaxing with the other party; and the reason why he lied was that he did not want Dafang to be "hysterical".
The mode of getting along between Da Fang and Lao Song is a typical chase and escape, and it is also a "common disease" of modern marriage.
To put it simply, one side complains and accuses, one side is silent and avoidant; one side is emotional, one side shows indifference; it is like a cat chasing a mouse, one desperately chasing, the other desperately fleeing.
In the chase and escape mode, there are many forms of chase, in addition to complaining and accusing, there are deliberate illness, tracking and checking posts, crying and complaining, etc.; and the most common forms of escape are avoidance and silence.
It is worth noting that the side of the avoidance will cause a more intense emotional reaction from the chasing party; so the more you run, the more you chase, the more you chase, and the emotion and patience are exhausted in the chase mode.
In fact, the chase mode has appeared in the first episode of this drama, and everyone may not have paid attention.
Remember yuna, the 17-year-old girl who attempted suicide?
She bathed in ice water, deliberately stole things, injured herself, framed her classmates, and committed suicide three times and twice.
Horton found that Yuna's behavior largely pointed to the relationship between her parents.
She uses match tests to explore the root causes of the couple's relationship breakdown.
In the test, the couple placed red matches representing the last 5 quarrels in Yuna's box.
That is to say, their quarrels are related to the concern for the child; and all the problems of the child are attracting the common attention of the parents, thus helping the parents to save their feelings.
In this family, the wife has a lot of dissatisfaction with her husband, and her expression is to question: saying that he is not pragmatic, does not care about the family, and cannot share for himself.
Faced with his wife's questioning, the husband responded with silence and non-returning home; this further angered the wife, who rushed to her husband's studio and continued to accuse, causing both parties to lose control of their emotions and eventually leading to divorce.
The real problem of this family is the relationship between husband and wife; and the couple's mode of getting along is also escape and chase.
02
How did the chase mode come about?
If you ask the person chasing you why you are chasing, they will say, because the person has to run.
If you go and ask the fleeing person why you are fleeing, they will say, because the person is always chasing.
This becomes a dead knot: both parties focus on each other's behavior without thinking about each other's needs.
And when we stand in the perspective of demand and re-look at the behavior of Da Fang and Lao Song, we will see what they really want to express.
First, let's look at Dafang: insults, crying, throwing things, the translation should be this meaning:
1, I care about you, I also care about this relationship and marriage, I am afraid of losing
2, I want you to love me more, pay more attention to me, and respond to me more
3, I don't know how to express need, I will only express it with emotion, and the result becomes accusation and resentment
At this point, we will find that she only looks strong on the surface, but in fact, she is extremely insecure on the inside; and her husband's avoidance has induced her greater insecurity; let her mistakenly think that only in a more aggressive way can she control the situation.
Next, let's look at Lao Song, avoidance, lying, tit-for-tat, the translation should be this meaning:
1, I care about this relationship and marriage, I don't want to quarrel or have a conflict with you
2, I want you to be warm to me, I long to be recognized by you, I want you to recognize me in front of outsiders
3, I don't know how to do it, you are satisfied, I can only choose to avoid you or remain silent
At this point, we will find that he is not unloving, more to avoid conflict; and his wife's accusations make him feel incompetent, mistakenly thinking that his wife does not look up to him, and separation is the best choice.
When we understand the inner language of both parties, we find the key to cracking: direct expression, restraint of emotions, and resolution of insecurity.
03
The art of cracking the chase mode
From the analysis of the needs of Da Fang and Lao Song, it can be seen that although the two are not in harmony, they also have commonalities; and these commonalities have become the basis for the improvement of marriage.
Common denominator #1: Both care about emotions and marriage
Common denominator 2: Both long to be loved and recognized
Common denominator 3: Neither is good at expressing needs
Based on the above 3 points, Horton arranged a new communication mode for the two, which can be summed up as a direct way instead of an obscure way, and a demand expression instead of emotional expression.
Let's try to restore it.
Lao Song asked: Do you have a lot of dissatisfaction with me?
Da Fang said: I just want you to care more about me, and I am sad to see that you are so good to others
Da Fang asked: Are you angry at me?
Lao Song said: I want you to recognize me, especially in front of outsiders, do not expose my shortcomings
Old Song asked: Can you tell me what you want me to do?
Da Fang said: I hope you can help me do some housework, I hope you can spend more time with me
This way of communicating is very effective, and it conforms to three principles: direct, emotional attention, and concretization.
That is: direct expression of feelings, direct expression of needs, direct expression of what you want the other person to do.
This method, known in psychology as "cognitive behavioral therapy," is simple and effective, and applies to all couples trapped in "chase mode."
Of course, in addition to changing the way of communication, there is also a very important point: to enhance the inner sense of security and self-confidence, and to solve the problem from the source.
There is not much to say about this in the play, and the original book has a deeper analysis.
Da Fang in the original book has a strong sense of insecurity and unworthiness, and this feeling originates from her original family.
Her mother, the little wife of the rich family in the old society, was the most popular character in the family, and she had been living with anger; when her mother died, she took her hand and said: Don't make a small for others.
This sentence and the past are engraved in Dafang's heart like a brand, so when she married Lao Song, she was extremely sensitive to his relationship with other women.
At the conscious level, she denounced Lao Song's infidelity; but subconsciously, she longed for Lao Song to have an affair; so that she could justifiably teach those "little wives" and change the fate of herself and her mother.'
She is tormented by two forces, and every day it is better to live than to die, until Horton points out her "revenge complex", and Dafang is relieved and hugs Lao Song and cries.
Write at the end
The chase pattern exists in many families, but it has been found in clinical practice that the outbreak period often occurs in middle age.
Why?
Some people may think that it is because people are middle-aged, rich and idle, so they are prone to accidents; but in fact, the problem has always existed, but it has only been covered up.
Think about when we first got married, full of yearning for the future life, what did we want most at that time?
Yes, work hard and earn money to buy a house; after that? Have children, raise them to grow up, send them to college.
It can be said that for quite a long time, the common goal of the couple was money and children, which occupied almost all the attention.
Many couples will find that as long as there is a child, the relationship between the two is fine, because the focus is on the child; but once the child is not there, the two are either speechless or quarrel as soon as they talk.
Children have inadvertently become a shield for the contradictions between husband and wife.
But the children will eventually grow up, we are also middle-aged, at this time the common goal of the husband and wife is gone, the original problem began to erupt, becoming the biggest problem; and middle-aged people pay more attention to themselves, no longer willing to adjust themselves, the pursuit mode becomes prominent.
In fact, the problem has always been there, but it has been delayed to face.
The story of Da Fang and Lao Song reminds the couple who are falling into the "chase and escape mode":
If you are still a young couple, for the sake of happiness in the next few decades, you have the obligation to solve it earlier; if you are already middle-aged, don't avoid it, because your marriage is still saved.
Anyway, when you start to stop and think, this article makes sense.