Zhimei was recently inducted by her post-90s colleague Amway for a middle-aged love drama "Xiao Min's Family".
Colleagues' testimonials are:
I didn't expect that the love of middle-aged people can be so comfortable and healing, there are not so many passionate confessions, and the nagging is actually worthy of people.
Zhimei couldn't help but brush up on the drama after listening to it, and after watching it, she felt even more:
How long two people can love depends on how much "emotional value" they can provide to each other.
In this drama, Chen Zhuo, played by Huang Lei, is a very ordinary man, but he can feel it across the screen and must be very happy with him.
He picked up Xiaomin from work and bought chestnuts by the way. When he received Xiao Min, the chestnuts were already cold, and he would still nag and command:
Take a warm wind to blow a little, eat cold stomach discomfort.
Although these words sound a bit mother-in-law, they do make people feel warm and feel cared for.
Later, the two of them wanted to go on a date that day to commemorate the first anniversary of their love, but they did not expect to be disturbed by various reasons.
After finally finishing busy in the middle of the night, Chen Zhuo invited Xiao Min to go downstairs for a short reunion.
The trunk opens to a beautiful strip of lights and a beautifully wrapped bouquet of roses.
Chen Zhuo did not accuse Xiaomin, did not blame her for delaying today's date. Xiao Min saw this scene and immediately hugged Chen Zhuo and thanked him for praising him for his romance.
There was no blame for spending money haphazardly, or for tossing and turning.
This mode of communication is the process of providing emotional value to each other.
They all take care of each other's needs and don't see their sacrifices as grievances.
Don't say bad things when you can say good things, and don't say hard words when you can say soft words.
In real life, we have seen many couples, they always quarrel with one mouth, and when they talk to each other, they are all sarcastic.
In the end, they are very aggrieved with each other, and they feel that they have paid a lot, why the other party still does not understand themselves.
In the TV series "Female Psychologist", there is such a couple, Da Fang and Lao Song.
They are a middle-aged couple who encounter a marriage crisis because Lao Song likes to dance square dancing and has recently been close to a dance partner.
Although Da Fang also knew that Lao Song would not do too much out of the ordinary, she still felt uncomfortable, and every time Lao Song went out, she would say sarcastically:
Go see the little widow again!
Lao Song was very speechless, but he left angrily without saying anything.
In front of the counselor, they followed the incident to tear apart years of dissatisfaction with each other.
Da fang said:
"You don't know how I've lived all these years, I wash clothes and cook for him, do my best to be good to him, he doesn't know, others have a little favor for him, he is very grateful." 」
Lao Song felt that he was so accommodating to Dafang, but Dafang never saved face for him, treating him as a lump of cow dung.
This time when he met this dance partner, he felt the happiness of being cherished and worshipped.
Every time the two men quarreled, it was the tip of the needle against Mai Mang.
Who of the two of them did something wrong?
Judging from the actual action, there is nothing wrong with Dafang working hard for the sake of the family. Lao Song tried his best to accommodate Dafang's bad temper, which was already very rare.
People who are right about both don't necessarily have the right marriage. Because intimate relationships don't talk about right or wrong, only about feelings.
In other words, none of them are wrong, just aren't providing emotional value to the other person. They only care about their own feelings and have their own expectations.
When we blame the other party, do not understand ourselves enough, do not see our own efforts, only vent our emotions, but do not provide value.
In intimate relationships, the more a person is inclined to bring comfortable, pleasant, and stable emotions to others, the higher the emotional value of the person.
On the contrary, if a person always makes others feel awkward, angry, and embarrassed, the emotional value of the person is low.
Let's imagine what two people are talking about when they're arguing.
When Da Fang saw Lao Song go out and said the sentence "Are you going to see that little widow again", what she actually wanted to express was:
You don't always go out, I'm home alone and lonely.
When Lao Song said, "You are not rare to me, some people are rare to me", he actually wanted to express:
I hope you can be rare in me, I hope you can be gentle and considerate.
If we exchange all the intense emotions, all the language that attacks the other party, for real feelings, it may be difficult to argue.
The same thing, just need us to say different things, take care of each other's feelings, can have different results.
Maybe you will say that the emotional value is to slip your tongue and make people happy?
If you have to understand it in this way, you may as well say that those who know how to make people happy are good at using emotional values to make others feel better and make themselves better.
Of course, we are not trying to please and please others, nor does it mean that the other party is not wrong, it is us who are wrong.
Instead, we should think differently - when we want something, should we also make a certain effort to get it?
For example, we need the care of our partners, the respect of our partners, and the approval of our partners.
Does that mean that we need to give our emotional stability, our acceptance and gentleness, in exchange for that?
Of course, we do not allow ourselves to use grievances in exchange for the pity of the other party.
We should pay some emotional costs ourselves, let the other party feel warm and loved, so as to give back to us some positive emotions.
Giving each other emotional value essentially is that we communicate in a different way, trying to exchange understanding for understanding.
If you recognize emotional value and are willing to learn change as a long-term ability, then we can share a few tips.
First, at any time, feeling is the prerequisite
Don't always think of proving "I'm right", even if you're right, you can't prove the other person wrong. Even if you're right, it doesn't prove that you're more worthy of being loved.
It's better to replace the idea of "how to convince him" with "what he feels at the moment and what emotional support he wants." How can I help him?"
When we learn to focus on our feelings, we can make others feel at ease, rather than just saying "for your own good."
We also dare to make others happy, rather than seeing others happy and feeling wronged.
Second, replace all rhetorical questions with declarative sentences
When we ask each other in rhetorical questions, it means that they should have known, but pretended not to know.
It will bring a feeling of aggression to the other party, and it will also bring high expectations to yourself.
It is better to change it to a declarative sentence and truly express your needs.
For example, when you want your husband to accompany you more, you say "you don't know that there are so many things waiting for you at home", it is better to change it to "I need your company, and I can be steadfast in my heart with you around me".
Third, when speaking, encourage more and deny less
If you want a person to change, the most wrong way is to use nagging, satire, and denial to urge the other party to change.
Because this will make the other party have a defensive mentality, a sense of shame, tension and shame, can not be changed.
Being able to provide emotional value is really the least costly way to achieve happiness.
Don't ask what "why let me provide, don't let him provide", but ask "I want him to provide emotional value for me, then what should I give".
People seek advantage and avoid harm
If you can choose
Whether it's a friend or a lover
We must be willing to choose people who can bring us high emotional value
The same is true of the other side
attack
assemble
Life sea sea,
Sometimes I can't find someone who can tell my heart.
Dear you,
Is there the same moment of helpless confusion?
In the face of a relationship that does not know how to advance and retreat,
Or trapped in a relationship that doesn't handle well,
Or be plagued by hard-to-talk health problems...
Now, you can let go of your anxiety and insecurities
Tell Zhimei about these unhappiness in private messages
Just leave a message to the background (note: confidant column)
Me and my friends
May you be your relief grocery store.
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