Gua Ma said:
The recent hit "Female Psychologist" has caused everyone to reflect on family relations and parent-child relationships, and even wb has appeared in the hot search of #After watching the female psychologist My mother apologized#.
If nothing else, from the theme alone, "Female Psychologist" deserves and should be discussed by everyone. It focuses on the most important psychological problems of the moment, allowing us to see those hidden corners under the sun: postpartum depression, workplace survival, original families, empty nesters...
Today, I want to tell you the first story in this show, the story of the girl who wanted to commit suicide because of her parents, Yuna.
Yuna, who is both good at character and learning, became a problem student when she was about to take the college entrance examination, constantly creating trouble for the people around her, and repeatedly wanted to commit suicide.
The supermarket stole something, or a very conspicuous puffed potato chip, her purpose is to be discovered.
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When she learned that her father wanted to leave home on a business trip, she cut her finger with a knife.
Lying in a bathtub full of ice in a thin dress is just to keep his father cold.
Because of some small frictions from classmates, he wanted to end his life by jumping off the building. Throughout the process, Yuna's emotions spiraled out of control, teetering back and forth on the brink of suicide.
What caused Yuna to make these amazing moves was the parents' self-righteous concealment of the true situation of their marriage, because they thought that it was "for the good of the children"...
I wanted to tell this story because its family relationships are very typical. In the past, our parents were always unscrupulous, quarreling in front of their children, dropping things, and even taking out their resentment on their children.
With the development of the times, the cognition of many parent-child relationships has changed, and some parents have gone to the other extreme. They try to play the perfect couple in front of their children, centering everything on their children, thinking that they are doing it for the good of their children.
But they don't know that children are the most sensitive, can perceive those subtle changes in the atmosphere, and the real needs of children are ignored by parents again and again.
01
Avoidant marriage makes children "scapegoats"
Yuna's father was an unsuccessful artist, and his career failures caused him to lose his voice in the marriage relationship. He wanted to try, but communication frustrated him, and his wife's aggressiveness made him feel even more incompetent.
So when there is a problem in the marital relationship, he chooses to use avoidance to alleviate the contradiction, and his behavior once again stimulates his wife.
In the face of indifferent husbands, the wife puts more energy into her daughter, trying to make up for her failure in the relationship by controlling her daughter. However, in the face of a strong mother, Yuna, who wants to follow in her father's footsteps to study art, makes her mother difficult to accept.
The wife whose marriage broke down felt a strong sense of betrayal, and she was afraid that her daughter would leave her like her husband, so her attitude toward her husband became worse, forming a vicious circle.
At this time, Yuna, sandwiched between the husband and wife relationship, has become a new contradiction in the contradiction between husband and wife.
And Yuna, from the daughter whose parents loved the most, has become the most innocent "victim" of her parents' marriage relationship in the blink of an eye. Thus, there are the acts of stealing, self-harm, and jumping off buildings mentioned in the opening paragraph.
In this story, Yuna's parents' mode of getting along is typical of the escape mode. This is also a pattern that we often turn on unconsciously in our marital relationship.
This model is mainly manifested in the fact that one party always complains about taking and is emotionally intense; while the other party always avoids rejection and shows indifference.
This mode of refusal to communicate makes it impossible for both husband and wife to communicate normally, thus blurring the real contradictions between husband and wife. The so-called do not erupt in silence, they perish in silence, and the same is true of marriage relations.
02
The more the parents cover up
The more likely it is for a child to blame the problem
In the subconscious of Yuna's parents, the only consistent goal is Yuna, so the child will always be involved in the contradictions of the parents.
When Yuna senses that her parents have emotional problems, she assumes that she is not good enough to cause her parents to be emotionally discordant. She also chose to hide that she knew that her parents were emotionally broken, just as her parents hid that she was divorced.
The lack of communication in parent-child relationships is gradually moving towards an uncontrollable point.
Yuna wants to save her family through her own efforts. She found that her parents would only show up at the same time when she had problems, and she could enjoy the care and love of her parents at the same time. So she tried to get her parents' attention through her own series of excesses.
Stealing something into the police station, the parents appear to break the siege
Sit in ice water to make yourself sick
Kept the father who was about to run away
Attempting suicide was rescued, and the parents rushed to come
She thought she had found a seemingly effective way to "keep" her parents, so she continued to implement them, even if she needed to sacrifice herself to achieve them.
These also affected Yuna's normal study and life, and she began to have conflicts with her classmates one after another, feeling that her classmates did not have good intentions for her, at this time Yuna's psychology began to distort.
Here I would like to remind everyone not to think that only older children will have this sensitivity, according to Professor Tong Jun of Wuhan Mental Hospital, the younger the child, the more sensitive to the perception of surrounding things.
Generally speaking, children do not develop their nervous system until they are 15 years old. Previously, especially in parent-child interactions, 70%-80% of children relied on intuition, such as feelings, to transmit emotions.
That is to say, children can feel the emotional changes between parents through the atmosphere when their parents are together. And this emotion can even affect the child's understanding of intimacy when he grows up.
Nearby Cases:
The friend's son was only four years old, and at that time, the friend's marital relationship was also in trouble. Husbands who are police officers often excuse business trips and not come home.
Although friends try their best to show the image of a good mother in front of their children, some inadvertent behaviors and actions still make children feel different. And all these friends are surprised by the child's kindergarten teacher.
That day the kindergarten teacher called her friend and asked her if something was wrong at home, and the friend wondered why the teacher would ask so, and only after asking did he know that it was a four-year-old child who asked the teacher with tears in his eyes:
"Does my dad not want me anymore, and will my mom want me too?"
Therefore, no matter how old the child is, concealment cannot solve the problem, only by accompanying the child to face it bravely and infecting the child with optimistic and positive emotions can we help ourselves and our children through this difficult period.
03
Blind eye
It became the last straw that overwhelmed the child
When Yuna first acted radically in order to maintain her parents' relationship, her parents actually had a chance to save it. But Yuna's parents chose to "turn a blind eye", and they even found a plausible reason for Yuna's behavior - the child is curious.
Of all the possible causes, they chose the simplest and easiest to explain. This solution of the parents leads to the intensification of the child's behavior later, which becomes the last straw that overwhelms the child.
Even when Yuna had become suicidal and when her teacher suggested psychotherapy, her mother still thought she knew her child well and was sure that she did not dare to commit suicide...
Yuna's parents always say "for the good of the child", but ignore the most essential changes in the child. In disguise, they put the burden of their marriage on their children, trying to make up for their failure in marriage through their children, which is unfair and cruel to the children.
The psychologist helps Yuna's parents face up to their marital problems
At the end of the story, with the help of the psychologist played by Yang Zi, Yuna's parents finally realize their problems and the harm they have caused to their children because of their concealment of the breakdown of the marriage. They decided to face these problems squarely and get out of that illusion of marriage.
Yuna's defense mechanism, which learns the truth, also begins to disintegrate, and she finally smiles again, begins to accept the divorce of her parents, and starts a new life of her own.
Gua Ma finally said:
For a child, growing up in an unhealthy family environment will leave an indelible impression on his young mind.
The results of a study of children from single-parent families who have reached adulthood show that children who know that their parents choose to divorce because of marital failure are psychologically healthier than those whose parents struggle to maintain a relationship because of marital failure. When these children grow up, they are no different from ordinary children. Of course, the premise is that parents give their children the same love even if they divorce.
Therefore, if the marital relationship between husband and wife really has problems, do not use the child as an excuse to survive, so that not only can not save each other's relationship, but also sacrifice the happiness of the child. For children, a real and healthy environment is much more important than whether they are single-parent families. This is the cause of children's personality differences and defects.
This reminds me of the death of photographer Lu Dawson. At the age of 25, on his birthday, he wrote a suicide note and decided to end his life. He wrote in his suicide note: "The mother who is too controlling, the father who is irresponsible ... Complicated family relationships, in the name of the good of the children, two people torment each other and do not divorce, their various temper behaviors, is the greatest harm to the children..." The childhood spent in the daily quarrels of his parents made Lu Dawson fall into despair, until adulthood, he still failed to get out of the shadow of childhood.
Don't say "for the sake of the child", only if we live well ourselves, can we love the child better!