If it were not for an interview, Yang Zi personally said: "Because I have been a pistachio since I was a child, and I myself am very willing to bring joy to everyone." But every time I made myself very tired. Who among us would have thought that the "national girlfriend" who grew up in the spotlight and enjoyed flowers and applause was actually affected by the "flattering personality".
Today's Yang Zi got rid of the "flattering personality" and starred in a TV series "Female Psychologist" as a psychological counselor to solve the psychological troubles of others, the counselor Xiao Mo is a typical "flattering personality" in the workplace, who does not know how to refuse the request of colleagues, but has not become the company's "group favorite", but has been isolated by everyone. For example: the new colleague invited the whole company to eat, the result was to temporarily change the place of eating, but did not inform him, with a "flattering personality" Xiao Mo, do not feel that it is a colleague's problem, but instead find reasons in themselves, always feel that they are not good enough.
"Flattering personality" is very common in the workplace, and even many people become one of them consciously and unconsciously, which is also a more acute problem in real life at present.
Recently, a friend just changed his new job and came to me to complain:
Just joined and everyone is not familiar, so ordered milk tea to give to the department colleagues, at that time everyone was very happy, but then ignored me, many people saw me also pretended not to see, noon dinner did not call me, as if isolating me, am I doing something wrong? Do you want to buy something to give to everyone?
I listened to some speechlessness, and I felt more sorry for this friend.
I said to this friend:
You care too much about what others say about you, and when you receive positive feedback, you feel comfortable, satisfied, and secure; when you don't receive feedback, you play drums in your heart and wonder if you're doing something wrong, whether others hate you.
For example, when others see you without greeting, it may be that people are not familiar with you, do not remember, or do not see you at all, once or twice there is no need to care; if you find that the other party is deliberate, there is no need to care so much, as long as it does not affect your work, why try to please everyone?
This friend, when he was in school, was a child who was very good at "observing words and colors". When several friends played together, she never expressed objections, even if she liked what she was doing, but as long as others interrupted and asked her to do something else, she would always obediently agree.
Mistakes go wrong when working in groups, teachers criticize the whole team, and she is always the first to apologize, even if the blame is not on her. Admittedly, this quality is very noble, but it is often taken for granted by others, and some people will even blame the mistake directly on her.
People with a flattering personality will often sacrifice their own personality and happiness in exchange for the "affirmation" of others, and such a mentality is often related to the growth experience of childhood.
What are the possible manifestations of a "flattering personality"?
1, will not refuse: people with a flattering personality are less likely to reject others, because they want to be accepted and liked by everyone, and rejection may make the other party unhappy and leave a bad impression on themselves.
2. Feeling anxious about other people's opinions: afraid that others will not like themselves, or always worry about others saying bad things about themselves behind their backs.
3, the time allocated to themselves is very small: always meet the requirements of others anytime and anywhere, rarely have their own time alone, even if there is, it will be easily divided to meet the invitations or requirements of others.
4, there is no sense of boundary: always accept the request of others, never set a boundary, as a shame.
5, apologize for things that have nothing to do with yourself: Always be responsible for anything, especially when others are unhappy, they will pay for other people's emotions.
6, lack of assertiveness: the flattering personality rarely has its own opinions, and always wants to ask others to obtain recognition.
The most feared thing for people with a flattering personality is the rejection and alienation of others, which means failure for them. And this situation can often be traced back to childhood: one situation, that is, the parents are "conditional love" for the child, the child must strive to meet the requirements of the parents to gain affirmation, in this process, the child gradually loses self-esteem and the importance of self-needs; another situation, may be the neglect of the parents, the child lacks enough security, must rely on pleasing the parents to get attention to themselves.
How are "flattering" children raised?
In the Six-Star Parent Assessment, there are five types of parents who can be divided according to their parenting style. Among them, powerful parents are the most likely to raise "flattering" children.
Powerful parents like to educate their children in a strict way, rarely solicit their children's opinions, like to make a big package, and even if their children don't like it, they will use "I am for your own good" to wrap up the parent-child relationship.
In such a family atmosphere, the child's self-esteem is very low, and the only way to obtain self-worth is to please the parents and make the parents happy, so that they can be praised. In the long run, children will think that only their own unilateral efforts and sacrifices can be exchanged for the love of their parents.
This kind of conditional love deprives the child of a sense of security and makes them accustomed to sacrificing themselves to meet the needs of others.
In addition, bad relationships can also affect children. Not all people can understand the needs of the "pleaser" for intimate relationships, on the contrary, some people will take advantage of the characteristics of children's poor rejection and self-sacrifice to take unlimited, which seriously affects the child's growth and thinking mode.
The difference between "empathy" and "flattery"
In the past, we always said that to raise a child with empathy, we must learn to empathize with people. You may ask, isn't this just a gesture of flattery? Not really.
The performance of strong empathy and concern for others is to be happy while pandering to others; and the simple act of flattery is to struggle, unwilling, and unhappy at the same time as pandering to others.
In parent lectures, we often emphasize a "three no-harm" concept: do not hurt yourself, do not hurt others, and do not harm the environment.
The act of flattery itself violates the first of the three principles of no harm and hurts one's own feelings.
Therefore, we cannot judge the child's "flattering personality" simply by some of his actions, the key lies in whether he has violated the principle of three no harm.
How to avoid children from developing a "flattering personality"?
As parents, first of all, we should not easily draw conclusions and label our children. For example, sometimes the child plays with the same age, the child may take on more work, parents begin to worry: is he a flattering personality, is he being taken advantage of?
You can refer to the above difference between affection and flattery, if the child enjoys it and does not harm himself, it means that the child is just more likely to understand others and is more helpful. If parents blindly interfere, it will be counterproductive.
Second, parents must give their children "unconditional love." What is unconditional love? It's that you love your child, not because of how smart he is, not because of how many skills he knows, how many points he scores on the test, but because he is your child, just because it is your child, so you love him.
A child's sense of security comes almost entirely from the person who takes care of him, namely his parents. When a child can realize that his parents love him, he will be more confident and self-loving.
In addition, parents should not forget to cultivate their children's interpersonal skills and teach their children to refuse unreasonable requests. For example, when others propose things that will hurt themselves or make them uncomfortable, they must be brave enough to say it; but also help the child objectively analyze his strengths and weaknesses, so that the child can build confidence:
Even if I'm not perfect, even if I can't be loved by everyone, I'm valuable, and there are still people who love me.
End