Light up yourself, illuminate the world, and the education of love is the future
In recent days, the topic of #Parents arguing about whether children should intervene in the debate on Weibo has been on fire, and a video interview with the blogger Fei Ling_Fat Paper Mom about her son has made people feel quite touched.
In the short picture of a family of three driving in the video, it is obvious that the blogger's family has a good relationship.
But even so, the blogger asks the child: Do you remember the last time a parent quarreled?
My son still said clearly that 2 weeks ago, you were arguing because of the quilt. After that, the child refused to say.
Faced with his son's answer, the blogger was surprised and said that he did not remember. Asking the husband again is the same answer, completely unimpressed by the quarrel.
Parents have no impression of the quarrel, indicating that it is not a big quarrel, do not remember why the quarrel, indicating that it is a small matter.
But it is such a heartless little quarrel, but it is still in the eyes of the child and remembered in the child's heart.
Because this is not a small thing for children.
01 What is the impact of parental quarrels on children
First, let the child feel that the world is not safe
In a Thai animated short film, "Parents Quarrel is a Horror Film for Children", from the child's point of view, it is said what the parents' quarrel means to the child.
The little girl in the video, at the beginning of the picture book with her mother, the picture is abstract and distorted, and the little girl already seems very scared.
But then, after Dad came back, Mom went downstairs and had a heated argument with Dad.
The little girl timidly went downstairs, and what she saw was that her parents in the quarrel had turned into terrible monsters.
For the child, the parental quarrel is undoubtedly a horror movie and may become a nightmare for her life.
Because for a child before the age of 6, his parents are his whole world, and the quarrels of his parents are tantamount to the collapse of the world for him. This will fill the child with great insecurity.
And once the child forms the understanding that "the world is not safe, I can't stay here", the child will have less courage to explore the outside world.
Such children will slowly become timid, cowardly, distrustful of others, feel that no one will like themselves, and grow up without self-confidence and distrust of marriage.
Jing Tian, a star who was burned by the TV series "Si Teng", once mentioned her childhood experience in an interview and said that she was scared because her parents often quarreled.
Actor Huang Xuan also said that because of the quarrel between his parents in his childhood, his mother's crying and complaining made him feel that he had no confidence in marriage even if his career was successful.
You see, even after adulthood and fame, the quarrels of parents are still the shadows that haunt the children's hearts.
Second, let the child can not find the meaning of life
There is a topic on Zhihu, #What it is like for parents to quarrel every day#, blogger Olivia's experience makes people cry and laugh.
Parents disagree over various trivial matters and quarrel constantly. He also often becomes a background board for the family, with no sense of existence at all.
But after the parents quarreled over the Cold War, the most painful thing was the child, so there was a time when the blogger chose to break the calm.
Parents in the Cold War, bloggers carry water to the living room to pour water.
This time, just like at the beginning of every fight, he always deliberately found a leaf to break the calm, and his parents aimed the spearhead at him.
Dad said: Is your child sick, your mother just dragged the ground, what do you run with a sneaker?
Mom said: You take a water and sprinkle it all over the place, what can you do?
After that, the quarrel began to become why the blogger was not educated well, so rude, would not do anything, and the results were poor again.
The quarrel between the parents seems to have found an outlet, and every quarrel in the future can always pull him in, so that the blogger once thought that he could not do anything, and his breathing was wrong.
The long-term quarrel between parents is a great harm to children, and at the same time, they must become the direct scapegoats for parents' problems, which is really physically and mentally damaged.
As another blogger, Tondani, described himself, although his parents gave him enough material conditions to love himself on the surface, he was empty inside.
Since childhood, he has been a poor person in the eyes of his parents, and has never formed a correct understanding of himself, so that he has always been sensitive and inferior, cowardly and timid, dare not make friends, and feel confused about the future. I keep learning, but I can't find the meaning of being busy.
Third, it will make the child a problem child
In the hit drama "Female Psychologist" starring Yang Zi last year, Yuna, played by Zhang Ruonan, is also a victim of her parents' quarrel.
On the outside, Yuna's parents love and have a successful career, and Yuna is also a good child in the eyes of the teacher. But such a good child suddenly had to be born lightly one day.
But with the deepening of psychological counseling, it was found that everything was because of the quarrel between parents. Although her parents carried her on their backs every time.
Yuna is sensitive to the discovery that her parents can only cooperate on her issues, so she acts as a glue in the family at all costs.
At first, he scratched himself with a knife, took a cold shower to catch himself cold, and then even went to the supermarket to deliberately steal 50 yuan of things and was sent to the police station, and finally fell from the high platform and injured himself, or even died.
A famous family therapy master once said: "Children are glue, they stick to this home with problems".
Yuna, from a good student to a problem child, behind all the bad behavior, she actually wants to tie her parents together and maintain this family.
02 Parents should be wary of 3 misconceptions
Parental quarrels will have a serious impact on their children's short-term emotional harm or long-term behavior, so why do parents still involve their children when they quarrel?
In addition to personality incompatibility and the influence of the parents' own original family, we also need to be vigilant against 3 concepts hidden deep in the hearts of our parents.
First, think that the child is small, can not understand, forgetfulness
Because they feel that their children are small, cannot understand, and have a big forgetfulness, many parents will not avoid their children at all when they quarrel.
But like the American child psychologist and educator Rudolf. Drex said: Children are very perceptive, but their ability to explain is very poor.
In fact, the child's ability to remember the scene is very strong, just like the blogger mentioned at the beginning, she herself has forgotten, but the child clearly remembers the scene of the parents quarreling.
However, when the problem is, although the child fully understands emotionally and can feel that the parents are angry, he cannot express it because of his poor ability to explain.
However, inability to express, does not mean that things do not exist, these unexpressible scenes, may enter the child's subconscious, internalized into the child's growth part, and even affect the child's adult relationships and self-identity.
Therefore, as a parent, don't think that the child does not understand and do not know because the child cannot say it, and think that the child ignores his feelings when he is young.
Second, think that it should be true in front of the child
Some parents feel that they have to present their true state at home, and quarrels are such a reality.
But as Teacher Dada said, in the family, the real truth for children should be that parents express their emotions confidently and peacefully.
So the real premise is the maturity of parents, and parents need to shoulder responsibilities for themselves and their children.
Third, think that quarrels are a good way to communicate
There is a point in the book "The Courage to Be Hated" that we communicate through language, and it is not enough to convey information, the ultimate goal of communication is actually to reach an agreement.
Quarrels, on the other hand, are actually a means of communication in the name of "violence".
It is difficult to persuade others with reason, but if you choose "violent" means, it is likely to directly bring the other party to your knees.
In fact, just like in our children's education, why we choose "criticism" and "scolding" these means is because the effect is fast, and we can immediately stop the wrong behavior.
So in that sense, arguing is not the best way to communicate. As long as we want, we can choose a better way.
03 What do parents do when they quarrel
As the famous #Kick Cat Effect says: In a family, the weakest are always the most vulnerable.
Therefore, in a family, quarrels seem to be problems between parents, but they can deeply affect children.
That being the case, then when we face conflict, parents should not only take their children seriously, but also take themselves seriously.
First, how parents treat their children correctly
In the article "Divorce with a baby on the most "loving" day, the problem for parents, more than this", we detailed how to treat the child when the parents are in conflict, in order to reduce the harm to the child.
In fact, in the movie "Heartbeat", the practice after the parents quarrel is also very worth learning.
In the movie, because of one thing, the parents start arguing in front of their daughters, and even pat the table.
But even in such angry situation, after seeing the child crying, the father immediately stopped and told his daughter that our quarrel was not because of your fault.
And after the fact, he assured his daughter very seriously, "We will find a way to solve it, I promise you." ”
In the evening, the parents also went to their daughter's room to apologize to her. This is to show in action that even if parents quarrel, their daughter is still important in their hearts, and they will not ignore her feelings.
Perhaps it is precisely because of these small maintenance in daily life that there will be a sentence that runs through the whole film of her daughter Julie: I have never felt unfortunate because of my family's encounters.
It is the responsibility of parents to make children feel happy, but this must be based on the premise that parents treat them well.
Second, how parents treat themselves correctly
Only when parents see themselves can they see how their children feel.
Many times parents quarrel with each other because of temporary emotions, but emotions are not uncontrollable.
Here's an approach: 4 steps to identify emotions.
1. Identify emotions. We need to see our emotions first and try to recognize what it really is.
2. Accept emotions. We need to know that emotions are not good or bad, but we can still control them.
3. Try attribution. To find the reason behind the emotions, what you are really pursuing and worrying about in your heart, and whether there are any other ways.
4, the key is action. Imagine what the worst outcome will be after the action, and if it can be tolerated, then try it.
The educator Sukhomlinsky said, "For a family, parents are roots and children are flowers." Parents often 'see' their children's problems, but they don't know that this is actually their own problems 'blossoming' in their children. ”
Therefore, many times the problem of the child is actually a continuation of the problem of the parents.
But just like some people joke, arguing in front of children can make children more "strong", although it is ridicule, in fact, there are reasonable components.
You and I are mortals, we all have seven passions and six desires, and there are always small emotions that cannot be discharged, so conflicts are sometimes unavoidable.
Since conflict cannot be avoided, it is more important for parents to resolve the conflict.
In fact, in the process of conflict resolution, children will also learn how to face problems correctly, deal with problems, and make "strong" justified.