Keywords: How to forgive my dad?
Q: I am 31 years old, a graduate student, born in a family with more sisters, I have two older sisters and a younger brother, rural.
It is true that my family also has son preference, but in the question I asked Leng Da, it actually did not involve the issue of son preference, and the biggest question I have now is: I don't know how to forgive my father?
I was able to understand my mother, and although my mother often blamed me and was emotionally unstable when I was a child, I was able to understand her because it was not easy for her to take our sisters alone.
I accepted my mom's appearance, I made a change, I would show my love for her. For example, every time I come home, I like to hug her and hug her like a little girl, so the relationship with my mother is still good.
But I can never forgive my father, since he was a child, he was rarely at home, every time he came back from outside, he often quarreled with my mother, and even beat my mother, I could not accept, could not forgive such a boy.
I also often say to my mom, "If it were me, I would have divorced my dad hundreds of times", but now my mom and dad have a good relationship.
The two of them are now in a relationship of mutual companionship and mutual support, but I can't accept him in my heart.
Cold Love Reply:
For the above story, there are three places worth thinking about:
First, the lack of paternal power can make people unable to restrain.
No matter what kind of growth process you have experienced, you must return to the triangle relationship to look at this problem. As a child, you must restrain your impulse to "think of your parents' position".
The triangular relationship here refers to the structural relationship between parents and children in a family. If the father is in the position of the father, the mother is in the position of the mother, and the child is in the position of the child, then this triangular structure is balanced and stable.
And if the child stands next to the mother, in the position of the mother, or to the father, in the position of the father, this triangular structure is unbalanced.
The above-mentioned heroine said that "if it is me, I don't know how to divorce him hundreds of times", there is actually a very strong sense of substitution: "I want to become my mother, and to decide how her life script should unfold, I have planned hundreds of times to write a script for her, but she always does not listen to me." 」 ”
It's a very scary motivator. You know, we can never live in place of another person.
So, we have to learn to be restrained.
Why didn't the above heroine learn restraint?
One important reason: she had no father's place in her life. A person who does not know how to exercise restraint must be because he has no father's place in his life.
Why is there no way to learn restraint without the position of father?
For there is a very important force in fatherly love—rules, namely knowing what to say and what not to say; knowing what to gain if you do it right, and what you lose if you do it wrong.
Once the power of the fatherhood is missing, it leads to our life without rules; and once there are no rules, life will be like a wild horse that is out of control.
Second, we need to express gratitude more than forgiveness.
For this seminar, we made a small statistic and observation, and found that this case landing is the most highly educated in the history of the seminar. There are not only many masters here, but also many doctors.
This is very interesting, I am thinking: why is the number of masters and doctors in this field so high? Why are so many masters and doctors dissatisfied with their original families? Or do you want to solve the problem of the original family?
If you want to solve the problem of the original family, I can understand it very well. Because of the high level of education of master's and doctoral degrees, the demand for emotional quality is also relatively high. And there is a willingness to solve and the action of learning, which is very worthy of recognition.
If I came to the seminar out of dissatisfaction with my original family, I can't help but think of a saying in the Tao Te Ching: "For the sake of learning more and more, for the sake of the Tao Di Di diffusion."
"To learn more and more" means to accumulate a lot of knowledge; "to lose more and more for the sake of the Tao" means to remove some of the restrictions brought about by knowledge.
In other words, the "ego" that arises in life is a pile of knowledge. The so-called ego is the self whose function has not yet been perfected.
Just like the above story, whether it is knowledge, life experience, or various dimensions, the heroine can undoubtedly surpass her father in all aspects.
She did despise her father countless times, for example, by using the word "forgive."
It is no longer enough to describe the "power grab" mentioned in the first part, because how to forgive means that she is higher than her father.
It is no longer a question of her father having no place in her own life, but that she is already standing on top of her father's head, standing in her grandmother's place, trying to educate her father instead of her grandmother.
On this level, it also reflects her belief that Grandma did not succeed in educating her father on how to behave.
I am very able to understand the pain and anger in the heroine's heart. Her father was rarely at home as a child, with little companionship for her family; and every time she came home, she often quarreled with her mother and even beat her mother. This will cause a great emotional deficit and emotional impact for the young heroine at that time.
I also understand very well why many people are dissatisfied and even angry with their parents, and I know that this must be because I feel that I have been treated unfairly and irrationally since I was a child.
I myself have been unhappy with my parents. I've also asked my counselor this question: "How can I forgive my parents?" "He was very qualified, he was silent.
There is a very important insight about this part: "We are not qualified to forgive our parents unless they have deliberately and maliciously caused harm to our lives."
Then I met a life-changing mentor team, the Hellingers. Mrs. Hellinger asked me a question: "What do you want to say to your father?" ”
I may have said seven or eight sentences, and each time she said no. Finally, she said to me a sentence that touched me very deeply:
"There's a word you've never used against your father in your life, and that word is 'thank you.' You never said thank you to your father. ”
I still remember that scene, and I felt like I was instantly connected to the tunnel. Because I didn't grow up saying a word of "thank you" to my dad.
She also said to me: "Maybe you think that everything you got today is what you struggled to get, and you had a good career in China through self-made, but you at least have to thank him." 」 He was the one who brought you into this world as a conduit, and without Him bringing you into this world, you wouldn't have all the experiences of this life. For that alone, you should thank him too. ”
I was so touched by these words that I went home and said "thank you" to my father, and found that my father was actually a very cute person.
Of course, this sharing is not to tell you that you are right or wrong, I am just talking about my journey.
I used to have this mentality, feeling that my parents didn't give enough, and even felt that they had hurt me, so I had the idea of "how to forgive".
But then I realized that I was so wrong, that I was not qualified to forgive him, and that I had not fulfilled even the most basic gratitude. I need to be thankful that they gave me life.
Third, how do we get to our parents?
Here, I would like to share with you a healing word: "Parents have given us everything they can give." ”
Why do we always feel that our parents are not giving us enough good enough? Because we always thought they could give more, but we didn't know: at that time, they had done everything they could.
Perhaps we can't really appreciate this until we are parents and stand in the position of a giver: no parent wants to mess things up; only a very small number of people deliberately want to be a bad parent; just like most people when they get married, they sincerely want to grow old and want to treat each other well, but their ability is limited.
Doubting their will is a big mistake and a curse. Because the truth is exactly the opposite, they have a hundred percent will, just no ability.
I can put it a little more bluntly, maybe they have a very strong desire to "want to give us the best in the world", but their ability can only give so much.
For example, the issue of "son preference" that is constantly mentioned is actually the same problem.
Some people will complain that "they obviously have the ability to give me more", but we have to see one thing: they do have the ability to buy a house for their brother, but they do not have the ability to transcend the limitations of this "son preference" thinking. That is, only his financial ability is seen, but his psychological ability is not seen.
He's not like you have a great opportunity to connect with me, and it's not like you have so many learning resources and growth peers.
So, in this dimension, what is the motivation for my eventual reconciliation with my parents?
It comes from the fact that I finally found out that they had given me everything they could give, that they had done the best they could do, and that they had 100% willingness.
When you trust them to have 100% will, you can accept the fact that they are incompetent, they are only because they are incompetent.
In summary, we can look at this matter from the above three different dimensions.
We want to create a new life, to create a new life to live up to our past. A new good plot is worthy of personal efforts and efforts.
So, you might as well think about the question: Between you today and the you you want to be, what changes do you need to create and what you do to become the person you want to be?
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