When it comes to divorce, why men are more ruthless than women

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"We've been together for thirteen years, the child is now six years old, and I've spent the hardest years of his life with him. We just graduated and lived in a rental house, and sometimes in order to save money, we only bought one wonton for two people to eat...

Now that life is better, I really don't understand why he can be so cruel and really want to divorce. Did he really think that if he found another person, there would be no problem? ”

In the consultation room, Ms. Rong did not lose control of her emotions because of her husband's cheating. Maybe she had been making trouble for too long and was tired, but she wasn't ready to really get a divorce. Rong also said that too many women poured out the divorce version in the counseling room.

The difference is that their consultation was first asked for help by the gentleman. The husband wants a divorce but doesn't want to hurt the other party, so he hopes to break up peacefully through counseling.

Every time I encounter such an appeal, the first thought that flashes to my mind is: If I want to divorce, where can I not hurt?

But I listened patiently to the gentleman's statement:

"We are classmates, free to fall in love together. But after getting married, we found that she was too strong, we couldn't communicate at all, and we quarreled as soon as we talked, so we didn't communicate, so there was less and less common language.

At that time, we had been married for less than two years, we didn't have children, and I didn't want to argue and applied to work in the field. After the separation, there is no quarrel, but there is not much contact.

Once she came to see me and found out that I was chatting with someone else on the Internet, which was supposed to be casual chat, but she made a big fuss, and that time I thought about divorce, but she didn't agree.

Next, with the kids, she's been at home with the kids, and I've paid my paycheck back, and although there's not much communication, it seems to have found a balance. She has been living with her children at home and is used to us being like this.

But now I know someone else and have been together for a few years. I feel that we can talk to each other, and they are all sincere, so I want to divorce the child's mother peacefully.

I also know that it is difficult for her to accept, although this marriage is not good, but after all these years, she is used to it. Now the divorce is a break for her whole life.

I also feel guilty, but we can't go back either. So hopefully separate well..."

01

Divorce, never a common language

In the matter of divorce, it seems that men are more ruthless.

The reason men divorce seems simple: we don't have a common language anymore.

Basically, when we are in love, we see the good side of each other. In this way, all people under the heavens should have a common language.

With this commonality, we can create more interest. Even if you just squat on the side of the road and eat a bowl of wontons, even if you live in a rental house, these "beautiful" filters have become fun.

So when did we stop having a common language?

After the "conflicts" of all sizes begin to appear in our lives; from the time we begin to want to run away, to start looking outward, to look outward for value; when we are no longer willing to look at the relationship between two people, there is no common language.

Is it because we don't have a common language that separates, or do we choose to separate because there is no common language? This is worth reflecting on.

After the emergence of conflict, the common language of happy couples is like this:

It's a matter for the two of us, and we choose to face it together;

I am willing to understand your feelings and thoughts, and I am happy to share my feelings and thoughts;

We find agreed ways to face our conflicts;

"Conflict" is the norm of the relationship, and it is true love to still be willing to hold the other party's hand after experiencing conflict and not give up!

Just like the couple above, when the romantic period has passed, there is a conflict in the relationship, and the husband chooses to leave, as if there is no conflict.

At first, neither of them thought of divorce, and many couples still held on to the "no common language". And when I met the "more talkable" one, so I wanted to get a divorce! So there is another reason for divorce:

Find another person in life who can bring you fresher and more exciting!

02

Inside marriage, those forgotten thrills

After marriage, is there really no way for us to create "freshness and excitement"?

When I reflected on this question, I suddenly found that life after marriage also has a lot of excitement:

I myself have been in a very busy state, busy with work, busy with being a mother. Suddenly the first two days had the opportunity to immerse myself in the life of a housewife, and for me personally the rhythm was fresh and exciting.

Then I shared with my husband: I found it very good to be a housewife, listen to music to do housework, and have time to draw, so relaxing, so good!

Ready for lunch, I sent a message to the other party on a whim: Can I come back for dinner at noon today? The other party quickly replied: Something? (Because he doesn't usually come back for lunch.) Although there is a two-hour break at noon, it takes an hour to go back and forth on the road)

Because it was really okay, the invitation seemed inexplicable. Reflecting on one's own heart is actually expecting an "accident" and "difference" in the relationship.

Then I made up a picture of the other person's brain:

When in love, if I say: Can you come to me for dinner at noon? You must have come to the table with all your hard work, and then asked at the dinner table: Is there anything wrong?

After getting married, it becomes the first question: Is there anything wrong? If it's okay, you don't have to work hard anymore.

Sir responded to me:

Are you testing this? There is a debate topic on "Strange Story": If there was a love rating button, would you press it?

I say:

I won't press. Because I want to experience it more than I know!

He said: I won't press either. reason:

I know you love me;

I chose to love or be loved, and all that remained was to believe;

What I need is to experience the love;

Men and women are the same, even in the case of stable relationships, they all want to experience love, but how many people are really willing to spend their minds on business and creation in marriage?

If we don't bother, it means that the "love" we want to experience is easy to "meet" outside.

It's like a male visitor saying that when the relationship is flat, it's as if there's a radar on his body that automatically searches for signals. In this way, "affairs" can easily occur.

So, no matter what stage of marriage, we need to spend our minds to create something "different" and make the relationship more interesting.

03

Talking about divorce, why are men more ruthless?

It can be seen from the reasons why men file for divorce: there are two important reasons, which are also the biggest differences with women.

Reason One: Men are more likely to avoid problems and conflicts

Studies have found that what women have in common in marriage is a desire for emotional connection; what men have in common is an escape from relationship conflict.

It's easy to understand why most women have to argue when conflict arises. "Noisy" is also a way of emotional connection, and when in love, asking "Do you love me?" over and over again? "It's a meaning.

And most men choose to be silent or throw the door away in the face of conflict, which is the same as "how many times do I have to say I love you".

Therefore, the divorce also means that there have been irreconcilable conflicts in the marriage.

For women, either continue to argue and express their desire for connection in a way that is familiar to them but completely ineffective; or they will show weakness and I can do better so that we can continue to be together.

And the easy option for men is to run away so they don't have to solve those problems. Just like the man in the case chose to live separately at first, and then simply chose to divorce.

From this point of view, while longing for connection, it is necessary to identify the other party's response pattern of escaping conflict and find a better way to connect.

Reason two: Men are more likely to be attracted to new possibilities

Faced with divorce, women will consider these two aspects:

The impact of divorce is too great, what about the children? What should my parents say about me? What will others think of me?

After the divorce, I will not find better; men are unreliable, looking for everyone is the same; I am older, divorced with children, who would want to live with me?

Faced with divorce, men will have this thought:

So that the messy problems before can be passed, there are so many different women out there, I can have too many possibilities!

From this point of view, women have to learn from men: I deserve better! Also believe that there can be better!

In fact, the most beautiful state of love is the moment when each other falls in love with each other, but marriage is a marathon.

The biggest misunderstanding in marriage is: marry a man who has only loved me for a lifetime, and he happens to be the one I love the most!

In fact, this is only the beginning of love, it must not be the end, because we do not understand the true meaning of "love":

Mature love happens after all the "love and hate" and we are still willing to hold each other's hands and move forward.

The chai rice oil and salt of marriage test whether we insist or flee, whether we are old or divorced.