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Recently, in the pursuit of "Dear Child", seeing the sweet interaction between Xiao Lu and Dong Fan, I couldn't help but feel sad for Fang Yinuo.
In his first marriage, Xiao Lu simply played the role of a scumbag. For example, his wife gave birth to a child in the hospital, but he used the excuse of work to run home not only to watch the ball game, but also to fall asleep, and missed his wife to give birth to a child.
After waking up, he was not in a hurry to go to the hospital to see his wife and newborn child, but he was worried about sending placenta to his mother-in-law, and he couldn't even find which ward his wife lived in.
In the whole parenting process, he lacks participation, either busy with work, or drinking and socializing, but he also has time to cheat and be ambiguous with other women.
Obviously, Xiao Lu was a failed husband and a failed father in the first marriage. But the second time he got married, after getting married with Dong Fan, Xiao Lu became a good man, his family concept became stronger, and he no longer only cared about busy work, but everything was family-oriented, and he was more warm and considerate to Dong Fan, which was simply spoiling her.
Why did Xiao Lu change so much before and after his two marriages? Let's see a few things his two wives did.
First of all, Fang Yinuo is a very capable person, even if she has suffered a lot of grievances, she will not say it.
Take the matter of giving birth to a child, although she said that she would let Xiao Lu go to work, in fact, she hoped that Xiao Lu could stay with her, so after Xiao Lu left, she whispered: Really go?
Carrying grievances in the heart, it is very easy to accumulate resentment, especially Xiao Lu, a man with a large nerve, does not directly express his own demands, he will definitely not guess your thoughts, and what you say in your mouth, he will do something, so Fang Yinuo let him go, he really left.
Of course, I am not to wash Xiao Lu white, when Fang Yinuo gave birth, Xiao Lu went home to watch the ball game is really wrong, but Fang Yinuo clearly wants Xiao Lu to stay, so he should not let him go back.
And Fang Yinuo can make such a decision, which shows that her personality is strong, but also too much love to carry things, after all, giving birth to such a big thing, many women will require men to accompany them step by step. And Fang Yinuo can let Xiao Lu busy with work, in fact, it will send the wrong message to Xiao Lu: even without you, I can carry it myself and give birth to a child.
This will give Xiao Lu the illusion that "you don't need me anymore", and this feeling of not being needed is actually the biggest killer of their intimate relationship.
In terms of showing weakness, the gap between Fang Yinuo and Dong Fan is too big, and Dong Fan, no matter how much he can carry things, feels wronged, and will definitely take the initiative to tell Xiao Lu.
When Dong Fan was chewed on the root of her tongue by colleagues in the company, saying that she was a virgin, when the stepmother was still so high-profile.
Although Dong Fan was dumbfounded on the spot, she did not silently carry this matter afterwards, but directly told Xiao Lu about her grievances, because she knew very well that what she cared about was not the discussion of her colleagues, but Xiao Lu's walking too close to his ex-wife to make her insecure.
If this matter is changed to Fang Yinuo, she will silently carry it without saying a word, and when she can't carry it, she will lose her temper and quarrel with Xiao Lu, blaming Xiao Lu for not being considerate and does not understand her.
This is where Fang Yinuo is prone to suffer losses, his heart is clearly aggrieved to death, and he still has to hold on to things on his face, which is wronged by himself, and more importantly, others do not understand how to respond to your needs.
There's a saying in the book Nonviolent Communication: "If we make a claim through criticism, people often respond by defending or countering." Conversely, if we say something directly about the need, others are more likely to respond positively. ”
If there is a grievance, you don't have to hold on, and directly say your needs, which is what a husband and wife should look like.
Dong Fan used this trick to digest his dissatisfaction with Xiao Lu, and then he should eat, drink, and live a good life without gaps.
In the relationship between husband and wife, it is too important for a woman to pretend not to carry things, because only by pretending not to be able to carry things, men have the opportunity to help you carry all the storms in the marriage.
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In addition to not being able to carry things too well, Fang Yinuo was not as smooth as Dong Fan.
First of all, Fang Yinuo is a not very sleek person, his mother does not like the little uncle to eat and drink at home, directly take words to drive people away, and Fang Yinuo did not persuade his mother, but united with his mother to scare the little uncle.
It is very easy to offend the mother-in-law, especially her mother-in-law is a person who loves the short, it is not good for her, if she says that her son is not good, she will definitely jump up and be anxious with you. In the end, the mother-in-law really couldn't bear it, and quarreled with her and her mother tearing their faces.
In getting along with the little uncle, Dong Fan is much smoother. In fact, Dong Fan also does not like Xiao Xu, but she did not show it, and she will not put on a condescending sense of superiority, every time she sees Xiao Xu, she is smiling and giggling, even if she does not like her mother-in-law doting on her little son, she will not say that the little uncle is not good in front of her mother-in-law.
People in the in-laws' families, no longer like it in their hearts, still have to give the mother-in-law a face, which is not only a matter of not pleasing the mother-in-law, but more importantly, it is not possible to hit the mother-in-law's face.
There is a saying in "Secondary Attraction": For the mother-in-law, the son is always cultivated by himself, and aside from the relationship between the son, the daughter-in-law is just an outsider. What's more, the son's mistake is also the mother-in-law's dereliction of duty from a certain point of view, so protecting the son is to protect himself. The human brain's subconscious mind always prefers to "protect itself" rather than identify right from wrong. It is also an instinct for a mother to protect her child.
Not to pick the little uncle's fault in front of the mother-in-law, this is the wisdom that the daughter-in-law should have.
In the mother-in-law relationship, it is too important to treat the in-laws well, and you see that the mother-in-law did not treat Dong Fan very well, but because she was good to the little uncle, the mother-in-law gradually accepted her.
A good mother-in-law relationship begins with treating your in-laws' family well, because only if you treat someone close to your mother-in-law well, she will treat you with her heart.
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Fang Yinuo's third shortcoming is that he can't forgive people, he can't rub sand in his eyes, and he can't hear it ugly, that is, he treats others as students, but whoever makes a mistake, she doesn't forgive.
The first time he found that the nanny remembered the wrong feeding time, Fang Yinuo began to suspect that the nanny was incompetent, and later washed the bottle and found that there was a taste of milk powder, and Fang Yinuo directly blamed the nanny.
After the child is born, she wants to continue breastfeeding, and then asks the nanny that she cannot feed the child formula.
This requirement nanny naturally complied, she did not feed the child milk powder, but wanted to make some milk powder so that the child smelled better and slept, but Fang Yinuo did not spare people, had to pinch the nanny education, the result of the nanny's grievances did not say, but also vaguely felt that she did not believe in people.
After Xiao Lu knew about this matter, she also advised her not to be too sensitive, but she did not listen, and in turn blamed Xiao Lu for not caring about her daughter, and as a result, the nanny was accused by her several times and then took the initiative to leave.
Later, Xiao Lu went to ask her mother-in-law to take care of Fang Yinuo, but she offended her mother-in-law again.
When she found the smell of smoke on her mother-in-law's body, she then proposed it to Xiao Lu and asked him to tell her mother-in-law to quit smoking.
For the sake of the child's health, Xiao Lu obediently did so, but later she found that her mother-in-law continued to smoke, and Xiao Lu did not let Xiao Lu quit smoking at all, but said that she should not smoke in front of the child.
After learning the truth, Fang Yinuo exploded, and it was another rebuke and rebuke to Xiao Lu.
Fang Yinuo was distressed about the child, and it was common for others to take good care of the child, but she did not consider that holding on to the mistakes of others would not solve the problem, but would cause more problems.
For example, if you catch the babysitter's mistake, the babysitter can't stand her and just leave. After the nanny left, she changed her mother-in-law to take care of it, but she couldn't look at the mother-in-law's parenting concept, stared at the mother-in-law like a policeman all day, caught the mother-in-law making a mistake, she began to not follow it, and went on the line, so that no one could stand it.
Catch other people's faults, do not forgive, in fact, toss or toss themselves, in the end it is likely that the problem has not been solved, but it will also make people who want to help you chill.
Fang Yinuo's excessive emphasis on right and wrong will only make others think that she is unreasonable and impersonal.
The same is to point out the mistakes of others, Dong Fan is much softer than a promise. She did not like Xiao Lu to give Xiao Xu money, when she learned that Xiao Xu was cheated of thirty thousand yuan, she did not stop Xiao Lu from helping to pay off the debt, but reminded Xiao Lu: "Although you can help this time, you can't help after things are big." ”
She just reminded Xiao Lu that it was wrong to do this, but she didn't hold on to this one. Xiao Lu was grateful to her instead, and tried to make her happy, and she also knew that Xiao Lu was admitting that he was wrong, so he didn't say anything more.
You see, Dong Fan didn't have to ignore people.
Fang Yinuo is so unreasonable, in fact, it is related to her own personality, she herself is a person who can't tolerate sand in her eyes, everything wants to be perfect, can't tolerate her own mistakes, let alone tolerate others to make mistakes, even if it is a small mistake, she feels that it is a big problem, and can't help but want to correct it.
The more a person has to rub sand in his eyes, the more he will not let go of himself, and the more he will not know how to forgive others. And such people often make people feel very difficult to get along with and just want to avoid it.
You know, not everyone can understand and tolerate you, even the people closest to you will feel unhappy because of your accusations, not to mention, it is difficult to change others.
A person who cares too much about right and wrong is difficult to laugh to the end in marriage.
Fang Yinuo has personally verified this for us.
Author: Mu Ye, a student of Tang Xiaoxiao's writing class.
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