Why do some marriages with the same view still go down the road of divorce?

Xiao Chen is a young and promising lawyer, and when he and his girlfriend are in love, they talk about the truths, concepts, life, children, families, money, etc. that they believe in each other, and they talk about all the topics they can talk about before marriage.

After three months of heart-to-heart exchanges, they are convinced that each other's three views are consistent, have common goals and ideas, and will never end up arguing, separating, and divorcing like many marriages.

In addition, because he is a lawyer, Xiao Chen is very cautious about his marriage, and he also made special premarital counseling, also did personality assessment, and formulated the solution to the problems encountered after starting a family in the future, which can be said to have made a perfect preparation for this marriage.

However, less than a year after marriage, they quarreled to get a divorce...

What's going on here?

The judgment conclusion is that the concepts and ideas of each other that the two people know about each other before they are married are all conclusions reached through rational thinking, and the ideas of the two people are the same at the level of consciousness.

But when they get married and enter the daily trivial life, the other party's sentence or a certain behavior can easily trigger their subconscious beliefs or memories, which leads to them can't help but react, their behavior is unconsciously manipulated but not self-aware, but all kinds of quarrels and dissatisfaction are blamed on each other's problems, blame each other, and finally can't stand each other, had to break up.

The three views are only the foundation, and mutual understanding is the key

Those who are together because the three views are the same, are the three views really the same?

In real life, many people who walk together because the three views are the same, and the reason after separation is indeed that the three views are not in harmony. In the final analysis, it is just that some people use the "three views" as an excuse to cover up the truth that they are gradually dissatisfied with the other party.

The so-called three views are the same in their eyes, is whether you can meet the expectations in my heart and provide the emotional value I want anytime and anywhere...

If it is consistent, it is the same of the three views, and if it is not consistent, it is the dissonance of the three views.

Therefore, because the three views are the same, people who come together, the three views may not be really the same. It may be that one party has silently compromised or disguised behind the scenes because of love or other purposes.

Some readers have come to me and asked me: I often hear you talk about the three views, but what exactly are the three views?

I answered: worldview, outlook on life, values.

She rolled her eyes and said, "I know it's these three, but the question is, what do they mean exactly?" How can I judge how far his three views are from mine? ”

I thought about it, too. How can nine words sum up a person's temperament and moral character?

How can you rely on these empty concepts to identify a lifelong partner?

Both operability and trustworthiness are too low.

To put it simply, the three views are based on: different understandings of the environment (world view), adopting corresponding behaviors (outlook on life), and finally getting different results (values). The core part of the three views is the laying down of the world view, from the composition of the whole world to the environmental state of life.

Some people say that people with different views are tired of talking together, just like raising a bar, each looking at the problem from their own perspective, and no one lets anyone! Frankly speaking, it is indeed very tiring for such couples to live together, but have you ever thought about the problem that the three views are "dynamically fixed"?

You know, everyone has their own cognition, different class levels of people, the degree of cognition is also different, of which the "three views" will also produce changes, it is worth mentioning that the three views are usually in people give up learning, no longer fill in their own knowledge, began to stereotype, and stabilized in a stage.

If these two kinds of people form a family, life can easily become a disaster:

On her wedding anniversary, she longs for a candlelit dinner in a luxurious Western restaurant, but he insists on cooking at home;

Issued with a year-end bonus, he insisted on going on a trip, but she took a fancy to the fur coat of the mall;

The child went to kindergarten, she booked aristocratic bilingualism, but he thought that the private one was very affordable...

Objectively speaking, couples with similar three views are a good start in terms of communication and the way they get along with each other in life, but whether they can always be happy is not entirely determined by the similarity of the three views.

Because there are many factors that affect happiness, just like you play poker and start to catch a good card, but you are beaten in the middle of the way, and finally you have no choice but to lose.

The three views of this matter also said earlier, it will change, not completely different, the love of two people is the same, love will change with the change of time, after all, nothing in this world is immutable, even the renminbi will appreciate, depreciate the phenomenon, not to mention people.

People will grow old, ugly, and even selfish, becoming the closest people around them, and they are no longer alive.

This is also why many people will feel that the other party is different from when they are in love after marriage, and issue a "you have changed" feeling.

The three views are different, the three views are the same, and the three views are three different concepts.

For the difference between the three views, some people explained it like this: you like to read books, he likes to play games, this is not called the three views are incompatible; you like to read books, he said that what is the use of reading books, is not to pretend to be literary. This is the disagreement of the three views.

You like to go to a Western restaurant to eat steak, he likes to skewer in the food stall, which is not called a three-view disagreement; you like to go to a Western restaurant to eat steak, but he says that the thing is expensive, you are really arrogant. This is the discord between the three views.

So what is the sameness of the three views and the unity of the three views?

You like to read, and I like to read; you like to eat steak, and I like to eat steak, which is the same as the three views.

You like to read, I don't like it, but I respect your likes, and even willing to listen to your feelings after reading; you like to play games, I don't like it, but I respect your preference for playing games, and I can even come with you. This is called the convergence of the three views.

The combination of the three views is much more important than the same as the three views, because marriage is a life of two people without distance or even negative distance contact, and for a long time, love is gradually covered up or even defeated by triviality, at which time the true three views of the two people slowly begin to appear.

And people are all independent individuals, and no one and anyone will have the same three views, even if they live in the same environment, the same conditions, or even brothers and sisters of the same mother.

Therefore, the three views are only the foundation, and learning to accommodate and understand each other's "inconsistencies" is the key to getting along for a long time.

As the mind changes, the three views will change

The formation of a person's three views is closely related to the environment, the family environment, the educational environment, the living environment... And when a person grows into his twenties, his three views have basically taken shape.

But just because molding doesn't change. If a person has a big ups and downs, it will be difficult to stick to the ideas they once thought.

For example, if the rich second generation and the poor boy who have already formed are replaced by the living environment, their three views will naturally change.

It's just that the ups and downs are subjective, strong people have experienced countless difficulties are big ups and downs, vulnerable people can't get over a hurdle, for ta, it is also a big ups and downs.

If you look closely in life, some people will know that every time, his understanding of a thing or a problem will change greatly or not. The same question, ten years ago and ten years later, will have different or even opposite answers.

What was previously felt right is now found to be wrong; what was previously felt wrong can now be slowly accepted.

For example, a woman with an unhappy marriage often thinks that marriage is a safe haven before marriage, and only after marriage does she find that all the wind and rain after marriage are brought about by marriage.

Soon after getting married, Xiao Yu became pregnant. She wanted to continue working, but her health deteriorated, she was often sleepy, her work was not good, and her rest was not good.

When the husband saw his wife who was gradually emaciated, his heart was also very distressed, so he persuaded Xiao Yu to resign and raise himself.

Xiao Yu thought about it for a long time and listened to her husband's words. At first, Xiao Yu comfortably brushed dramas, went shopping, and looked for food in an environment without work pressure. In contrast, for the future of wives and children, more busy husbands.

As the days passed, her heart became more and more empty. The husband and wife are not workaholic, work is just for life, most of the time to enjoy life.

When she wasn't pregnant before, she would spend the weekends with her husband in the world of two, going out to watch movies, eat, and play. But now her husband is busy with work, and she is very idle, which causes Xiaoyu to suspect that her husband does not love herself.

Xiao Yu thought that after giving birth to a child, she could return to the workplace, but she did not expect that the child was too small and completely inseparable from her.

Seeing this, some people may think that Xiaoyu is very pitiful and has lost himself for marriage and children. If you think so, it is better to look at the perspective of Hadron (Xiaoyu's husband).

The family's mortgage was repaid by the hadron, and his salary burden on the family's life was just right, so before the arrival of the child, the family's expenses were insufficient, more than the bottom.

But as Xiaoyu became pregnant, the family's expenses became larger and larger, and the balance of the account slowly began to be overdrawn. So the hadron wanted to take on more work so that his wife and children could live a better life.

That's why he's busy with work even on weekends.

Everyone's thoughts are subjective, you are not him, he is not you, and no one can empathize with the other party's change of mood all the way.

So, what we have to do is to empathize and understand and understand. After knowing, express your own ideas and suggestions, and then achieve the same frequency of thoughts and work for the same goal.

Know that expressing your needs is much more effective than fantasizing that the other person can guess and give you the needs you want.

Constantly re-acquaintance and acceptance of each other can last forever

A few days ago, I saw a news that under the epidemic situation, the septuagenarian elderly who lived alone cried because they could not order food with their mobile phones.

In the current era of developed networks, travel must not lack smart phones. But what about the elderly who don't know smartphones? Have they been abandoned and eliminated?

You can't deny that this is a fact, it is inevitable. It's just that the old people after that are not abandoned by the times, but are eliminated by those who do not respect the old people and rules.

There are always the masses and the minority in the circle, and a sound survival system is to consider the weak, help the weak, and protect the weak. And these "weak people" are also willing to take the initiative to understand the changes of this era.

Just like at work, the boss allows an employee who has just started an internship to be incompetent, but will never accept a subordinate who will never grow.

The same is true in feelings.

After marriage, couples with different thinking progress, like a bicycle and a car, can drive on the same road at the beginning, but with different speeds, the distance between them will become farther and farther away until one party disappears in the visible gaze.

The person who loves you will naturally wait for you and synchronize with you, but you can't guarantee that the other person will always love you, and people can't always bind each other with love.