Text/Su Xin
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01
Bi Shumin once said: "Keeping a distance closely may be the most appropriate way to communicate." ”
The root cause of many contradictions actually stems from the incorrect control of the scale, such as the contradiction between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.
There is such a story on the Internet that before a woman gets married, she can be regarded as a veritable urban white-collar worker, accustomed to an unfettered petty bourgeois life, but after marriage, for love and family, she has to be a full-time housewife.
Naturally, a woman who is not financially independent in marriage, no matter how brilliant she once was, will eventually be rejected, but the person who dislikes her is not her husband, but her mother-in-law.
The mother-in-law feels that everything in the family is earned by her son, and naturally she can't see the problem of her daughter-in-law spending money lavishly. The intensification of the contradiction between the two was caused by a 3,000 yuan piece of clothing.
The woman was going to a friend's wedding, and she didn't want to be too inferior in front of her friends after staying at home for too long, so she swiped her husband's card and bought a dress for 3,000 yuan. Originally, she did not intend to tell her mother-in-law about buying clothes, but out of curiosity, her mother-in-law looked over her shopping receipts, and as a result, this look, the mother-in-law counted the women on the spot.
The mother-in-law thinks that she can't run the family and doesn't understand what it is to live a life, and she also complains that the mother-in-law manages too much, which affects the normal life of her and her husband, so the two people are intolerable.
After several such contradictions, the man sandwiched between the two women finally couldn't stand it, so he talked to his mother very seriously, and told her very seriously that living a life was a matter for the couple, and if they really couldn't get used to it, they could only separate their families, otherwise even as a parent, they had to learn to shut up.
There is a saying that goes like this: "People and trees are the same, they must maintain a certain distance to grow healthily, and if there is no gap, they will cross the line and feel uncomfortable with each other." ”
Between people, no matter what the relationship, maintain a moderate distance, so that there will be no cross-line behavior, in order to be able to get along comfortably for a long time.
02
One of the common mistakes people make is that they always like to measure others by their own standards.
When other people's words and deeds do not meet our standards, people who do not understand the scale will go forward and interfere, just as the mother-in-law always uses her standards to demand the daughter-in-law.
A very good friend of mine, after five years of marriage, insisted on living separately from her mother-in-law, and she said that if she did not separate the family, the final outcome could only be divorce, because her mother-in-law was in charge of too many things, and it was almost suffocating her.
When my friend was just pregnant, her body was extremely uncomfortable, and she had to sleep until noon every day to get up, in fact, she was not in bed, but she was sleepy and had no strength at all, so she was very sleepy, but her mother-in-law always stressed that she had three children when she was young and was not as pretentious as today's young people.
During the month, friends always remember their mother's advice, to close the doors and windows, can not eat cold drinks, but the mother-in-law has to open the doors and windows of the living room, saying that the air is not circulating is not good for the body.
The mother-in-law felt that it was a waste of money and did not let her use diapers to keep her wet, so she had to drag her weak body up several times at night to change the child's diaper.
It is said that "confinement revenge" will make women remember for a lifetime, friends are so resentful of their mother-in-law, although later the mother-in-law's practice in some things is still quite warm, but as long as they think of the grievances during the confinement period, friends are very uncomfortable.
Finally, the last straw that overwhelmed the donkey came, the friend just came that day, learning to cook on the video, she bought a bunch of drinks according to the requirements of the video, which can make the mother-in-law who usually saves money and is distressed, saying that she will not live a life, just soy sauce bought several kinds, is this going to open a restaurant?
The friend could no longer stand the nagging of her mother-in-law, and finally insisted on living separately from her mother-in-law, and it was precisely because of separation that she saved her marriage.
Tolstoy once said, "You are not me, how do you know the path I have traveled, the bitterness and joy in my heart." Yes, no one can really empathize, so we don't always think about measuring others by our own standards, we can only try to understand each other, we really can't understand, then we must also respect each other's choices.
Whether as an elder or a junior, do not interfere with each other's lives casually, which is a person's greatest courtesy.
03
There is a very unconventional saying: distance produces beauty.
There is a question on Zhihu: "What performance of high emotional intelligence have you seen?" One of the high-ranking people replied, "Keep a moderate distance from people." ”
Even if the relationship between the two is good, they must maintain a moderate distance and give themselves and the other party a free breathing space.
For a while, her friend and her girlfriend got angry, and the two didn't have contact for two months, because the girlfriend always pointed out her boyfriend's flaws in front of her.
And originally immersed in happiness, she is always disturbed by the words of her girlfriend, one second she is still looking forward to the future with her boyfriend, and the next second she is told by her girlfriend that she is not the right person to meet, so her love talk is not smooth, and she is often happy and suddenly unhappy.
Later, she understood a truth, happiness is a feeling, and this feeling can only be experienced by herself, whether the person she loves is worth loving, whether the so-called shortcomings in her eyes are defects, only her own feelings are the most important.
She told her girlfriend not to interfere with her and her boyfriend's emotional problems in the future, but the girlfriend thought that she had used kindness but was not appreciated, so she turned around and walked away.
There is a saying that is very correct: "Speaking with measure and evaluating with scale is the most basic wisdom of being a person, and it is also a person's cultivation." ”
Everyone's understanding of happiness is different, and the standards for measuring happiness also have their own scales, and what may seem difficult for you to accept is not worth investigating for others, so there is no reason for us to use our own life experience to guide the lives of others.
And the closest people should also maintain a moderate distance, do not be too close to the relationship to "get in", run to other people's world to point out the country, this can only make the other party feel awkward, and you are likely to end up with a "good heart no good reward" result.
Therefore, doing yourself well is the beginning of improving all relationships, and the premise of being good at yourself is that you can only take care of yourself, and we try to give understanding and respect to others.
A person, the more things he experiences, the more extensive his knowledge, the more he will know how to understand and tolerate, because he knows the diversity of this world, we are all different individuals, each has its own characteristics, we can not be consistent, so we must treat others with an understanding and inclusive mentality, so that it is the greatest courtesy to people and ourselves.
END.