In psychology, adult attachment patterns are mainly divided into three types: secure attachment, anxious attachment, and avoidant attachment. Of course, some people say that there are four attachment patterns, because there are indeed a small number of people who show a mixture of two attachment patterns, that is, anxiety + avoidant attachment (also called chaotic attachment).
When watching the TV series "Heart Residence", seeing the state of Shi Yuan and Gu Qingyu after marriage, I couldn't help but think of this attachment theory. It can be said that the attitude of the two of them in the face of intimate relationships and the way they deal with problems have the characteristics of a very typical avoidant attachment style.
What are the characteristics of the avoidant attachment style?
The most common manifestation of people with an avoidant attachment style is that they will be estranged from each other in intimate relationships, keep a certain distance from their lovers, and even if they are in love, they will often feel lonely, and they will not be able to devote themselves to and enjoy love wholeheartedly.
Of course, this is only a more general and general statement, specific to each person, they will also have a variety of different embodiments, such as always think that they are not worthy of each other, unwilling to let the other party rely on themselves too much, often think of the beauty of the past love affair to derive dissatisfaction with the existing relationship, feel that there are many shortcomings in the partner, want to escape when encountering problems, and so on.
We often see such a couple in our lives, the husband is unhappy because the wife has done something or said something, the wife is also aware of the husband's unhappiness, and tries to communicate and solve the problem, but every time the wife asks the husband, the husband refuses to tell the truth, which will make the wife feel very helpless and collapsed.
This husband's attachment style is avoidant attachment. Encountering a partner with avoidant attachment in marriage is actually a very painful thing. So let's think about what marriage would look like if both people were in an avoidant attachment pattern.
Two avoidant attachment people.
Gu Qingyu and Shi Yuan are two people with avoidant attachment.
Maybe Shi Yuan's performance will be more obvious, he insisted on signing a property agreement with Gu Qingyu before marriage, his mother was seriously ill, he would rather let his mother endure the torture of illness than use his wife's money to operate on his mother, he secretly sold pianos to make medical expenses from his wife, and after his wife knew, he also blamed his wife for interfering in his affairs...
These, on the surface, appear to be his self-esteem at work, but in fact, his avoidant attachment style is at work. In his heart, he feels that he is not worthy of his wife, and psychologically he always keeps a distance and draws boundaries with his wife, which leads to his inability to enjoy and manage this marriage well, and he cannot accept his wife's help to go hand in hand.
We look at Gu Qingyu again, it seems that in this marriage, all the problems originate from Shi Yuan, Gu Qingyu is just passively accepting these, but in fact, if she is not an avoidant attachment style person, she can have other ways to solve it.
For example, she lost her job because of Shi Yuan, as soon as Shi Yuan entered the door, she pretended that nothing happened, and when Shi Yuan wanted to explain, she stopped him from explaining, which is the characteristic of typical avoidant attachment. She could have listened to him first.
In fact, Gu Qingyu had such an attitude in the face of all the issues related to Shi Yuan, she knew that Shi Yuan pretended to have taken the group to the field, but in fact did not leave, she did not go to him to ask for clarification, but held in her heart and pretended not to know; she saw the video of Shi Yuan doing the emcee, and she was unhappy in her heart, but she would only knock on his side.
They are like this, all the problems are not put on the surface to solve head-on, but always one avoids, another temptation, or one lies, another suspicion. This is the problem caused by two avoidant attachment style people together, looking at our eyes, it will feel particularly screwed, particularly depressed, in fact, they themselves will feel the same way.
So Shi Yuan and Gu Qingyu's marriage has become that ending, in the final analysis, their attachment style is the "bane".
What kind of partner is suitable for people with avoidant attachment styles?
We have already seen that Shi Yuan and Gu Qingyu are not suitable for being together in the final analysis. That is to say, two people who belong to the same avoidant attachment style are not very suitable for developing intimate relationships.
So what kind of partner is a suitable person for avoidant attachment styles? Safe attachment style companions, of course. In fact, for any attachment type, choosing a partner with secure attachment is the most appropriate.
Because of the secure attachment style of the person, his emotions will be more stable, it is easy to invest in and enjoy their intimate relationships, encounter problems will be openly spread out to solve, he will run a marriage, take care of the feelings of the lover as their responsibility, with such people, you will have a very comfortable, even healed feeling.
This is why Gu Qingyu and Zhan Xiang feel more relaxed and happier when they are together, and Zhan Xiang is a person with a secure attachment style.
But we need to understand that a person's attachment style is not set in stone. It sometimes changes with the experience of love, marital setbacks, and other intimacy, so it is not that you find a partner with a secure attachment style, your marriage can be all right, and happiness still needs to be managed.
For example, a wife with secure attachment and a husband with avoidant attachment, if every time there is a conflict, the husband hides and refuses to communicate with the wife, then for a long time, the wife is likely to be completely disappointed in the husband, and will not communicate with the husband again when encountering problems in the future. This is the avoidant attachment pattern that the wife has become because of the influence of her husband.
So, if you're an avoidant attachment person, in addition to finding a suitable partner to heal you, you should consciously make corresponding changes in your intimate relationship to make your marriage move in a more comfortable and happier direction.
How can people with avoidant attachment styles better manage their marriages?
Although we can analyze other people's marital problems, the root causes of contradictions, etc. through attachment theory, and we can also draw conclusions about what kind of partner you are looking for in the scope of theory, in real life, it is far less convenient than theoretical analysis.
We have no way to guarantee that we are finding a partner in the style of secure attachment, and there is no way to guarantee that our marriage will be smooth, so the key to managing happiness depends on ourselves.
For people with avoidant attachment styles, when you run a marriage, you should always remind yourself to pay attention to your partner's emotions, to solve problems positively, and to minimize such attitudes as avoidance, cold violence, and pushing the responsibility to your partner.
Whenever you are dissatisfied with your marriage, want to be estranged from your lover, or feel that you can't stand your lover's shortcomings, you have to try to tell yourself that this is actually your attachment mechanism activated. If you don't get over this state of yours, you'll still be in another intimate relationship, even if you end the marriage.
Just imagine, if Shi Yuan and Gu Qingyu are in marriage, one of them first realizes his own problems and takes the initiative to make changes, Shi Yuan is not so deliberate to draw a clear line or Gu Qingyu is not so careful to hide the problem, they may not necessarily need a divorce, it is entirely possible to change in a good direction.
Therefore, if you realize that your attachment pattern is avoidant and you don't need to be pessimistic, what we are afraid of is that we can't find our own problems, and if we find them, we will have a way to cope. As long as you consciously see and overcome your avoidance mechanism, you can also manage a happy marriage.
About the author: Meet and miss, a woman who likes to read and write, focusing on the creation of articles in the emotional field and the analysis and answer of emotional questions, I hope that my words can accompany you warmly forward.