Wen \Jiang Zuo Mei Niang, Yi Ning
Picture \ "Heart Dwelling" stills
Gibran once said:
"Give each other room when you're together — oaks and cedars don't grow in each other's shadows."
Yes, the best appearance of marriage, in fact, is very simple, that is, you do your thing well, I do my business well, each other is free to do what they love to do, do not interfere with each other, and the worst appearance of marriage is under the guise of closeness, doing things that hurt each other, but also in the name of love.
In "Heart Residence", Feng Xiaoqin and Gu Qingyu are good women, but the marriage of these two women is not too happy, because they have made a common mistake - lack of boundary sense.
01 Feng Xiaoqin's strength violated Gu Lei's growth space
Feng Xiaoqin and Gu Lei's marriage is typical of strong women and weak men.
Feng Xiaoqin is a woman with lofty ambitions and super ability in life, she is a foreigner, no education and no background, but dreams of buying a house in Shanghai immediately, this ambition is not small.
The main reason why she was able to marry Gu Lei was that Gu Lei was a Shanghai native and honest and obedient, and although she did not like his personality, she was still willing to rely on him and get rid of her original class. But what she didn't expect was that Gu Lei was at the mercy of others, but his sister was shrewd and capable, and Gu Lei's family was deeply scheming and wary of her.
What can she do? Coming from a humble background and wanting to gain the favor of the whole family, she could only work hard to take good care of the family.
Every morning, buying vegetables, cooking, telling the children and husband to get up, preparing medicines for grandma, Feng Xiaoqin is like a fighter jet, hands, mouth, brain, every part is constantly running.
In contrast, Gu Lei in the morning, that is, after dragging and pulling up, he went straight to the bathroom, and when he couldn't find anything, he would only ask his wife, and even eat and go to work to be urged by his wife.
In such a family, it is said that Feng Xiaoqin is very depressed, so she wants to buy a small house with Gu Lei to move out, she began to fight Gu Lei's idea, she hopes that Gu Lei can grow up as soon as possible and shoulder the responsibility of a family, so she let the clumsy him go to the accounting certificate, and forced him to borrow money to buy a house.
Gu Lei, on the contrary, is a man of great character, but he is content with the status quo and does not want to make progress. He couldn't get an accounting certificate, and second, it was really too difficult to let his sister open his mouth, and finally his sister Gu Qingyu understood what he meant and politely rejected them, which made Feng Xiaoqin very depressed, she felt that she was quite unfortunate, and then hit her father-in-law.
When I saw this, I used to have a lot of reflections on myself, and I asked myself, did I ever force my old Yang to do those things that he didn't want to do at all? Is such a request right? (The things here are the bigger things, not the little things in life)
I'm sure there is, but I now think it's very wrong. When we are young, we will be asked and persecuted by our parents, that is because we are not in an equal relationship with our parents, they have the responsibility of guardianship and guidance, and when we enter an intimate relationship, we and our partners are equal, so we can only discuss and not force what we want him to do.
Because persecution is essentially a kind of encroachment.
In the intimate relationship, the strong Feng Xiaoqin is essentially too encroaching on Gu Lei's growth space. To go beyond the border is a violation.
Hayek, in his book The Road to Slavery, says:
"The road to hell is paved with good intentions, and these good intentions are what we think we are right."
It is undeniable that Feng Xiaoqin let Gu Lei do everything for himself, objectively for the sake of his children and for a better life. But what do you think about going a little deeper? She is carrying the banner of goodwill, but in fact she is satisfying her own desires.
She wants to buy a big house, she wants to live separately from her in-laws, and she wants to move her mother's family over.
So why should Gu Lei pay for her dreams? Even if it is a husband and wife, if this dream is not common, we are not qualified to ask each other to work hard and pay for their dreams, unless the other party is willing, otherwise it is encroachment.
Marriage is two people living together, one of them blindly imposes personal will on the other party, to control, to demand each other, it becomes a disguised manipulation, such a marriage will not be happy.
In the end, Gu Lei died unexpectedly, ending this kind of day, but it can be imagined that if Gu Lei is alive and Feng Xiaoqin has been so insistent, then this marriage will have no happiness at all.
02 Gu Qingyu's excessive interference violated Shi Yuan's sensitive self-esteem
In "Heart Residence", Gu Qingyu is a woman of the new era, with opinions, can make money, and is independent enough.
If you have money, you have the confidence, and Gu Qingyu, who has been running to the age of forty, does not pay attention to material things in terms of finding a husband, but pays more attention to feelings.
Therefore, when she re-encounters her first love Shi Yuan, she can leave the world's eyes behind and marry the white moonlight in her heart when she was a teenager.
But at this time, Shi Yuan, with a mediocre career and heavy debts, his mother was seriously ill, had no money and no house, and was a down-and-out man who took a commission by marrying a rich woman.
The world of difference is not exaggerated at all to describe the gap between Gu Qingyu and Shi Yuan. But since you are married, you are not alone, and many things, you do not conform to the rules of getting along in marriage, will cause misfortune.
Shi Yuan raised money for his mother's medical treatment and decided to sell the family's antique piano. However, Gu Qingyu secretly bought the piano behind his back, and after Being known by Shi Yuan, he was very embarrassed.
Shi Yuan's mother needed to change her kidney, not only needed to find the kidney source, but also needed a large amount of medical expenses, and these Gu Qingyu easily made a phone call to help him behind his back.
This is Gu Qingyu, this is the female version of Spider-Man! However, Gu Qingyu's approach was eventually complained by Shi Yuan.
He immediately roared:
"Do you think I'm particularly ridiculous, poor and poor, what do you want, what you can't do?" After getting married, I lived in my wife's house, and my work was also because of my wife's relationship. Now even my mother's money for kidney replacement is also from my wife. Looking at the way our family is happy, do you think we are hilarious? You are not laughing at us, you just flick your little hand and burn all my efforts, all my attachments, all my dignity. I know that you are a female bodhisattva, and that if you marry me, it will be a robbery, and after crossing this robbery, you will be able to canonize the gods. ”
Saying this will really make many people unfair for Gu Qingyuming, pay so much, and deliberately want to maintain the dignity of their husbands, and the result is that their husbands' self-esteem has been hurt by 10,000 points.
Did Gu Qingyu do it right? From her own point of view, it was for love, she was willing, but she was a little bit wrong, she did not see through the difference between men and women.
Tu Lei said:
"A woman's weakness is the family, but a man's weakness is often not a woman, but a face."
Yes, especially in marriages where the hierarchy is so different, the excessive giving of women can really make men feel too useless.
If I were Gu Qingyu and I was blinded by lard and had to marry him, then I would treat him like this.
Shi Yuan wants to sell antique pianos, my first hands approve, this is he is relying on his own efforts to help his mother through the difficulties, should approve; the mother-in-law needs surgery fees, I will not take the initiative to pay, I want to wait for my husband to ask me to help, I will go out of the mountain, if he does not invite me, I will definitely not rush up.
It is true that in ordinary families, this kind of thing may be difficult to happen, because most of the things that pay money are done by men, but the gap between Gu Qingyu and Shi Yuan is too large, and smart women, if they have to step into such a marriage, they should have such a heart, and they cannot just ignore the so-called love.
Some people say that if this matter is reversed, it seems that no one will say anything, yes, the prince went to save the princess, and everyone felt that it was reasonable, but even if the princess quietly went to save the prince, the prince still felt ashamed, and there was a difference in the psychology of men and women.
In other words, in fact, not every woman wants her husband to get all her things done, think of Wu Min in "Perfect Partner", Lin Qingkun did everything she had to do cram school, her desperate expression, you know, love someone, sometimes really have to be very careful.
In this marriage, Gu Qingyu's excessive initiative to pay, in essence, is also beyond the boundary of helping her husband, this boundary if there is Zhan Xiang, there may not be, but the more inferior the man, the narrower the boundary, which is the most common problem in marriages where the door is not right.
So in the end, both she and Shi Yuan are living very tired and hard, and it is expected that the marriage will come to an end.
03 Mei Niang said
Couples are like hedgehogs hugging each other for warmth in the cold winter, too close, easy to get hurt, too far away, it will be very cold.
Marriage without borders is bound to be a disaster, and in intimate relationships, strong women are not far from happiness to do this well: respect the boundaries of others.
The marriage of Feng Xiaoqin and Gu Qingyu's strong woman is like a mirror, reflecting the true face of many families.
One side is too strong, the other is too weak. In this kind of unequal marriage, there is always the tragic fact that the strong bully the weak.
The strong constantly violate each other's boundaries and do not know how to respect each other's boundaries, while the weak can only keep giving in and abandoning the boundaries, so that the marriage will naturally lose its balance.
How?
Marriage wants to be long and happy, one is that the strong need to motivate themselves to strive to achieve their dreams. For example, Feng Xiaoqin, finally after Gu Lei's death, was reborn in the Jedi, relying on his own wisdom and talents to achieve his own big cause, this effort is worth affirming, because this is a requirement for himself, not a persecution of his partner.
The second is that the strong need to control their desires, keep their hearts, and leave enough space for the weak. Because no matter how weak the weak person is, he also has his freedom and choice, as the other half, only respect, can not interfere excessively. If Gu Qingyu and Shi Yuan could only talk about love and take care of their own affairs, there would be fewer contradictions.
Third, the weak need to learn to find their own advantage value. Strong and weak are relative, if Gu Lei is alive, he is suitable to serve a family, Feng Xiaoqin is suitable for fighting for a career, what about Shi Yuan? If you can't use Gu Qingyu's resources to improve yourself, then do a good job as a super daddy, which is also a kind of happiness.
When everyone in a marriage finds their place and is doing what they do best and like the most, I don't think there will be any more complaining and fragile and sensitive self-esteem.
Just like my family, I am suitable for writing articles, Lao Yang is suitable for sending articles, we are together, it is really complementary.
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