There is a saying that "mother and daughter are born to be wrongdoers".
Indeed, the mother-daughter relationship is sometimes as elusive as a mystery.
The two sides hold the script of love and kill each other, immersed in their respective roles. It's like playing seesaw, one side is worrying, the other side is tearing, shaking, thrilling and exciting.
A fuse is enough to detonate the psychological trench of two people, destruction or rebirth, then it depends on each other's creation.
"I finally lived
My mother's look."
In "The Season of Encounter", Chen Xin'er suffered a devastating blow in the "battle" with her mother.
The mother is a strong and hot-tempered person who controls everything about her daughter.
Chen Xin'er is a famous "Chen Rules" in the circle of friends, paranoid and dogmatic, all thanks to her mother.
After Chen Xin'er's divorce, her mother never helped her, but instead blamed her everywhere for losing the face of her mother's family.
In the face of her mother's ruthless depreciation, the fear and tension in her eyes are painful.
Because Chen Xin'er did not have a job, she was forced to find a job by her strong mother.
Mother Chen: "Although you haven't worked for 10 years, you can't do part-time work."
Chen Xin'er: "I'm going to do part-time work, if I am met by your old colleagues, it is not me who will lose face."
Mother Chen: "Why did you hit a rake upside down, speaking of my head, are you alive for me?" ”
Chen Xin'er: "I am living for you!" From childhood to adulthood, you have been nagging on my side, I can't pass the first middle school, you can't meet people: I can't be a regimental cadre, you can't meet people; I can't go to a good school, you can't meet people; I can't find a good job, you can't meet people; I can't find a good man, you can't meet people... I don't have the money to support my son, so why do you keep forcing me to look for a job every day? ”
The mother's strict education did not make Chen Xin'er an excellent and lovely person, but her life and marriage were a mess, and her personality was strange. Later, because she was insane, she took a knife and cut her thigh, covered in blood, and was sent to a mental hospital by her mother.
What is even more tragic is that the wounds left by the original family are all left to the children. Chen Xin'er's state when she got along with her son was exactly the same as her mother's, impatient, irritable, and extremely unstable.
She set up all kinds of rules for her son, controlled his words and deeds, and even forcibly corrected the sitting posture of eating a meal. In front of everyone, he quarreled with his husband and did not care about the child's self-esteem.
Poor and hateful Chen Xin'er finally lived up to the appearance of her most hated mother.
Writer Jane Waldron once said that adult women find their own value and make themselves more important. But in the transition from a girl to a woman, she needs someone else to help her determine her worth—no one has the influence of her mother.
There is no perfect family in the world, each entangled with large and small problems, parent-child relationship has always been cut and messed up, family concepts are passed down from generation to generation, and emotional barriers are difficult to be completely eliminated.
The bond between mother and daughter does not know how many unforgettable pains must be experienced to get rid of.
"Because of the divorce,
Mom is going to break off the mother-daughter relationship with me."
"One look in my mother's eye can kill me."
My friend Xiaomin often complained about her mother like this, and when she told her story lightly, I clearly felt her inner struggle.
Similar to the mother-daughter relationship of Chen Xin'er, Xiaomin's mother has extremely high requirements for her, expecting her daughter to excel in all aspects and fight for her face.
Behind the strong wife is usually a weak husband, so Xiaomin's cognition of her father comes from her mother's depreciation and ridicule - "a no-show nest waste" and "disregard for home, indifference". The father's "passive absence" made XiaoMin lose his basic judgment of men.
In such a family, Xiao Min's world only has a series of cold test results, and each exam is trembling, afraid of falling behind.
Although she entered the best school in Beijing in junior high school and high school, she became less talkative, solitary, and her relationships were particularly strained. And the mother does not care about Xiao Min's changes, enjoying the praise of "the family has a bully, the godson has a good".
Source: The movie "Spring Tide"
Xiaomin's failure in the college entrance examination gave her mother a "revenge" and quickly fled home to go to an ordinary university in a foreign country.
After graduating for two or three years, I hurriedly got married.
The man was 5 years younger than she was and the reason for choosing him was "gentle, considerate, and smiley, which was the most missing thing in my past life".
However, fate tricked people, after marriage she found that this man "changed", macho, never shared the housework, often ignored her, but also pointed out her work and lifestyle, the feeling of being manipulated invaded XiaoMin. The shadow of the mother surrounds this small family that has just formed from time to time.
Xiao Min has had enough!
At the age of 30, she resolutely chose to divorce.
And her mother threatened her with "breaking off the mother-daughter relationship" and resolutely refused to let her divorce. The mother does not accept that her weak and obedient daughter suddenly has her own opinion, which is challenging her authority, so she desperately uses threats, crying, and even illness to regain her control.
But Xiaomin completely resisted this time, and on the day of the divorce, she said, "I am like a bird free, although weak, but I am not afraid."
The belated "rebellion" is like a sharp blade piercing mom's narcissism.
In the next few years of fighting against her mother, Xiao Min consumed almost all her strength and suffered from depression. When you lose control, you hit the wall with your head like a madman, and when you are calm, you close yourself in a small space like a walking dead.
When a person is completely isolated from the outside world, only the light that shines in can make her feel a glimmer of hope. Reading is the light.
She loves to read, and after being exposed to psychology, she has a deeper understanding of her relationship with her parents, and self-help slowly begins.
After getting better and better, one day she asked a few of our friends to have tea together, and she said calmly: "I accepted the fact that my mother loves herself more, accepted that everyone has their own obsessions, and accepted that if you want to grow, you must first break yourself... Mom stole my autonomy and I tried my best to take it back, it was a difficult process, but I did. ”
Yes, she did. When she began to accept the past, the strength began to grow in her heart.
She can now tell her mother without guilt:
"I started to have my own life,
Mom, you also have to start paying attention to your own life.
I love you
But I won't be out of your control.
If you love me too,
Then believe in every choice your daughter makes. ”
When both parties stand on an equal footing, the relationship gradually breaks the ice.
The mother accepted her daughter's divorce, accepted her own vanity and selfishness, accepted her daughter's accusations against her, and accepted her daughter's depression madness and self-masochism. In the process of acceptance, Mom's heart became soft. Since then, she and her daughter have maintained a safe psychological distance and no longer crossed the line; her temper has also converged, and she no longer demeans and blames her husband.
The relationship between XiaoMin and her father has undergone a qualitative change in a trip that can be walked away.
In the open and vast land of the northwest, they saw the beautiful Qinghai Lake and the majestic and dangerous Danxia landform. Along the way, the old father in front of him cheered like a child, he could carefully put on a coat for his daughter who was afraid of the cold, he could hug his daughter in his arms when taking a group photo, and he could lend his shoulder to his tired daughter when watching the sunset at the top of the mountain...
These moments have destroyed her prejudice against her father, and two estranged hearts are slowly approaching.
Last winter, Xiaomin's 35th birthday, she sent a circle of friends:
"My mom used to be so cute that she bought me a set of pink pajamas with dinosaur motifs. Dad inherited Grandpa's cooking skills, a good table of five-star praise! Refills. ”
Shortcuts to happiness:
Accept the past and reconstruct yourself
Each generation carries the traces of the original family, our mothers, grandmothers, grandmothers, and the environment in which they were born is many times worse than the present. They also have their own trauma and are not yet capable of being aware.
So, our generation must believe in the power of change to cut off this intergenerational trauma.
We can go to blame, but not easily; we can resent but don't attack ourselves; we can uncover scars but don't give up taking responsibility for ourselves.
As psychologist Susan Foward says:
You are not responsible for childhood pain, your parents are responsible for them; you are not responsible for "they ignored you". You don't need to be responsible for "they make you feel like no one loves". You are not responsible for "they beat you". You are not responsible for "they misunderstand you".
However, the absolution of responsibility for oneself in childhood does not mean that all responsibility for oneself in adulthood is also absolved. While returning the responsibilities of parents to their parents, they also assume what adults should bear.
Cultivating the mother-daughter relationship is a self-redemption. True reconciliation is not forgiveness, not seeking perfection, but letting go and accepting.
Re-establish your own inner order, find your own love, follow your heart, and do not blindly follow it, in order to live a comfortable and self-consistent life.
The psychic master Jung said that everyone has two lives, the first time is to live for others to see, and the second time is to live for themselves. The second life, often begins at the age of 40.
If, at the age of 30, or even 20, you start having a second life, you're so lucky.
I hope that every mother and daughter can explore life together, find the purpose of life, and live their truest self.
Source: Mother and daughter trio of popular Ins (Dominique and two daughters)
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