There is a topic that appears very frequently in the comments, but I almost never share it.
The topic of parenting is indispensable to the story of intergenerational parenting, and the story of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is indispensable in intergenerational parenting.
Because after getting married, I live by myself, and my mother-in-law's daughter-in-law story is also very rare.
Before I initiated the tree hole, I received this story. Although it is still a mother-in-law topic that I am not good at, in this story, I see the shadow of many people.
She said:
Hello Big J! Thank you for providing such a platform for me to talk about!
Lately I've been a little burned out by the trivialities at home. There are both mother-in-law and daughter-in-law contradictions, as well as concubine relationships, and also buried the hidden dangers of marital contradictions.
Here's the thing:
My husband and sister lived in my house for a year before getting married, she didn't talk about a boyfriend in her hometown at that time, my husband was worried that she had been single and bad, he discussed with me and let her come to our side, before getting married, my husband and sister lived with us, lived for more than a year, there was no contradiction, just lived for a long time, I couldn't stand it, but the days passed like this.
When she got married, I thought I was finally back to the normal rhythm of life, and at the same time, I had a baby, and my mother-in-law came to help.
At first, it was good to get along with my mother-in-law, and I began to have opinions about her because she called my sister-in-law to come to my house every day after work without consulting with me and my husband, and then came home after eating, I didn't like this kind of behavior, I thought this was my little family, I was the hostess of this family, what you have to do, you have to tell us.
During that time, my mood has not been very good, every day in the adjustment, later, my sister-in-law simply collected a few sets of clothes in my family for a long time to live, now there are more than half a year, but also directly with my mother-in-law, just live down, did not say anything, said that I will live for a long time, I really can't stand it, I said a few words to my mother-in-law, said she is married, how is still living in our house, my mother-in-law said that she drove to and from work every day, the distance is a little far, I feel too tired (the sister-in-law commutes to work on the way to an hour, Stayed in my house ten minutes walk away).
I said she could live with her mother-in-law and come home on weekends (her in-laws live near her company, within walking distance).
My mother-in-law felt that my sister-in-law lived with her in-laws, not as comfortable as we lived, said that I treated me differently, said that I would not be like this for my younger siblings, why my sister-in-law lived I was not very welcome. Saying that she helped us with the children, she couldn't even decide to let her daughter eat and live in our house, and I didn't give her face.
Because of this matter, our relationship is a little bad, but I try my best to maintain a superficial harmony, but I always think that these are unhappy, I don't know how to get out, my husband can't do anything about this, just let me be tolerant, generous, am I not generous enough?
I would like to hear your opinion, can you give me some advice?
Trying to substitute for it, this matter seems to be taken care of by everyone:
The mother-in-law felt: I came to help with the child, my daughter was working nearby, I let my daughter come to my son's house to live, not all family.
The sister-in-law thinks: Living with her parents and brothers since childhood, and now living together in another place, it is normal, how natural.
But this real hostess was passive, obviously in her own home, but it was like living a life under the fence.
People who have married and had children and have had the life of a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law can see the crux of the problem at a glance: who is the hostess in the end.
The silent hostess lost the opportunity to make a decision little by little. After realizing it, I wanted to fight for it, but I complained about not giving face.
Between parents and children, for you and me, there has always been a clear distinction.
The child returns to his parents' house, which is his own territory. But this cannot be done directly in reverse. When parents come to their children's homes and are still in their own homes, I am afraid it is a little inappropriate.
A friend complained to me that her mother had come to the house to help with the children and had cleaned up the house by the way.
The old man has worked hard all his life, except for taking the baby, seeing the cluttered room, how can he stay out of the matter. Without saying a word, a meal of operation, the things that are randomly placed are cleaned up.
Since then, friends have lived a life when they can no longer find their own things, the old man classifies things according to his own understanding, and every time he finds a piece, his friends have to ask again. Sometimes the things that have just been taken out, turned around, and they are packed up.
Finally, one day, the friend couldn't help but complain that her mother should stop cleaning up her own things. My mother was angry and thought she was doing this for the sake of cleanliness in the house. The cluttered home, she couldn't look down.
My friend said something that shocked me, "But this is my home, not your home, I can just look at it." "
No matter how familiar the family, as long as it is not in their own home, a little "I am a guest" awareness, can make themselves less angry, others less blocked.
The sense of distance between family members is a sense of respect.
The reason is understood, but the difficulty is that the home is not a place to use to reason. Instead of trying to explain this to the elders, it is better to make yourself comfortable first.
I put myself in the shoes of you and think that I am you and will be uncomfortable too.
Yes, we are indeed uncomfortable for the sister-in-law to live at home, but what makes us more uncomfortable is that no one informed me in advance, I feel that "the status of the hostess in the family is gone", the husband "does not help me", and the mother-in-law still "dislikes" me, right?
After thinking about this, I will not directly solve the "thing", I will first solve my emotions. Think about what can help me be more comfortable.
So let's think about it, how can we make ourselves comfortable? Immediately clear the territory and let the sister-in-law leave, will we be comfortable? I won't, and I'm sure you won't either (as you can see from your comments, you're also a relatively sensitive person). The sister-in-law is gone, and we will still be unhappy and uncomfortable.
At that time, we would think that my husband would definitely complain about my little family, after all, it was his own sister. My mother-in-law has a slight word for me, and it is not easy for my mother-in-law, so old to help us with children, is not it?
Did you find that? Sometimes one thing makes us uncomfortable, and even if it is solved, we will not be happy immediately. Thinking about it in this way gives me a great inspiration, that is, we need to distinguish between "things" and "emotions".
I'm not you, but if I have a similar problem, I'll do it, hoping to give you a little thought:
1. Communicate with your husband first.
All of this makes you "most uncomfortable" may be your husband's inaction. You assume that your husband should understand you and "help you".
But believe me, the brain circuits of men and women are really too different, they just don't have eyesight. Instead of "torturing" yourself to death, it is better to have a good chat with your husband and talk to him. To "unravel" this, your husband is the key.
2, communication has a strategy
But when communicating, it is necessary to distinguish between "emotions" and "things". Our female communication pattern is accustomed to "emotions are better than things", but men's acceptance pattern is "things are better than emotions".
So there is nothing big to solve, and small works can be pleasant. But if we want to solve the problem, we need to transform into a suitable communication mode for the other party. And this matter involves the husband's relatives, so talking about things is also a smarter choice.
So what does it mean to talk about things without talking about emotions? A very simple way to use more declarative sentences and start with "I".
I don't think it's appropriate for my sister-in-law to live in our house all the time, after all, she is also married and has her own family.
I've been in a bad mood lately because I always feel less in the world with you.
Try to avoid things that are easy to blurt out when you are emotionally up:
Why does your sister want to live on my side?
Your mother said I was a little boy, which was too much.
Then there is the expression of appeal, the sister-in-law is rare to come to live, I am sure to welcome. But for a long time, I don't think it is appropriate. Do you see how to solve it?
3. Think clearly about your bottom line
I know, in the end, you may say that my family's men just don't care, and it's useless to say this. This brings us back to our own "bottom line management."
To put it mildly, the complaints about this man now are the result of their own choices. Adults have to pay for their choices.
Don't acquiesce to the fact that he should think you're "uncomfortable", a man has no eyesight. So much "discomfort" you have accumulated in your heart, maybe he doesn't know it at all.
Mother-in-law and daughter-in-law contradictions, husbands must do something, this kind of action is not a side. Instead, let the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, two women who love their husbands deeply, understand that what they do will affect how much their husband loves her.
Finally, whether it is to my mother or mother-in-law, my friend's sentence "This is my home, not your home" Do not try. Otherwise, you're sure you'll get a nail-and-bolt "Okay, then I'll go!" ”
(In order to protect the privacy of some details have been adjusted, do not enter the number)
The regiment is being regimental
Big J nagged
Seeing this, I especially want everyone to leave a message to come up with an idea. They are all "people who come over", and this topic also wants to hear two words from everyone.
I received a lot of stories in the tree hole last time, and because I wanted to reply carefully, it took a little time. After that, it will be updated with everyone from time to time.
Let's talk about something happy, this weekend I took Little D to class, I took advantage of the class break, took a small stroll, and bought myself a pair of earrings. After class, our mother and daughter had a little date. When I was ready to take a picture, the waiter also handed over a pot of flowers and said that it would be more beautiful to take pictures together, haha.
I feel inspired by the article
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