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"The Count of Monte Cristo": "Happiness is a pair of shoes, and only one person knows whether it is suitable or not." ”
Not only is "happiness like a fish drinking water, cold and warm self-knowledge", but also other things linked to happiness, such as love and marriage.
Whether a person's marital happiness is only known to himself can only be measured by his own standards, and no one else can replace it.
What you think of other people's marriages as unhappy is only what you think, and what you think is not what others think; in the same way, others point fingers at your marriage, but they think it is not necessarily consistent with your feelings.
From this perspective, there are two things we need to pay attention to: first, don't point fingers at other people's marriages; second, take your own marriage as your own private affair and take it seriously.
People who don't pay attention to these two problems will either make their marriage unhappy or they will attract suspicion.
The following reader, who corrects her mother's perception, is about the above problems, and let's take a look at them.
Hello Mr. Donglin:
I want to talk to you about my family, and maybe help others remove some of the obstacles on the road to marriage.
My brother-in-law was very happy to get married, but my mother was worried all day, and she couldn't eat well and sleep well. I asked her what was wrong at first, and she perfunctorily said it was okay. It wasn't until one day, when she assigned me a task, that I didn't know what she was worried about.
She seemed to have gathered enough courage, and said to me in a low voice: "The house we bought in our family cannot be cheap to outsiders, you go to monitor your sister-in-law to see if she is a good wife, and report to me in time if there is a problem." My eyelids have been jumping lately, worried that your brother will lure the wolf into the room. What do you say if he marries a liar? What if she cheated me out of the house I bought for your brother? I'm not good enough to spy on her, you're young enough to do the job. If you want to go, hurry up, save the night a long dream, now I will go to pack your things for you, and you move to their house. ”
From the moment she said the first words, I was impatient because she was overly worried. At the end, I couldn't stand it anymore and blurted out to her, "Are you sick?" ”
She was stunned, as if she hadn't expected me to react this way.
I explained to her, "I know that you are well-intentioned, for the good of my brother, to confirm that my sister-in-law is a good person, but this is not advisable, and there is something wrong with your concept." To you, she is indeed an outsider, because she is not your own child, and we can say anything in private. However, she is now my brother's wife, and if my brother doesn't treat her as an outsider, you can't take her as an outsider anymore. ”
She frowned and pouted, as if to endure my teachings to her.
I ignored her and continued, "I only ask you one question: Is my brother a complete fool in your eyes?" ”
She hastened to deny: "Of course not! How can you say that about your brother! ”
I said, "Since you believe in my brother, you should believe that there is nothing wrong with his vision of choosing a wife." Besides, did you know my sister-in-law on the first day? Haven't you been in contact with her before? Didn't she come to our house for dinner? If you think that I was asked to spy on my sister-in-law because you have a big picture, then you should have known that my sister-in-law is a good person, and there is no need to reconfirm. Why do you have to do this kind of stealing chicken and dog? Isn't it good to be frank? If she really has a problem, sooner or later she will show her horse's feet. Now that she's fine, you shouldn't act rashly! ”
She looked less nervous, and her expression soothed a lot. I don't know if she understood my words, if she didn't understand, I would tell her repeatedly later.
I did this not just to correct her misconceptions, not just to reassure her doubts, but more importantly for myself. Sooner or later, I will marry, and I will also have a mother-in-law, and if my mother-in-law is as suspicious as she is, my life will certainly not be good.
What I said to my mother was actually talking to myself, so as to ensure that in the future, when choosing a mate, I would tell the other party in time not to let my mother-in-law take care of our business. A marriage with less external mixing, more inner happiness, you say is not this theory?
Donglin Xiting Emotional Advice:
As a parent, it is common for people to hope that their children will have a happy marriage. However, you must not blindly use what you think of as "love" to mix with your children's marriage, otherwise it is easy to attract suspicion and self-defeating.
No one can deny that the reader's mother was kind, but her kindness is easy to do bad things.
Whether it is to go to the son's house to monitor the daughter-in-law, or let the daughter to monitor the sister-in-law, it is easy to have accidents, because the "impure motive" is easy to externalize in words and deeds, so that the daughter-in-law feels that you do not trust her, you prevent her from being like a thief, she will definitely feel uncomfortable in her heart, which may cause contradictions between husband and wife.
The mother-in-law only began to worry about whether the daughter-in-law was good or not after her son got married, which was not only a manifestation of suspicion, but also showed that she had not made a judgment before her son got married, and did not use the time before marriage to confirm whether the daughter-in-law was good or not.
Marriage is like this, if you do a lot of confirmation work and preparation before marriage, you can sit back and relax after marriage; but if you don't do this work, it is easy to worry after marriage.
But then again, the wood is already in the boat, what is the point of your worry? If the daughter-in-law really has a problem, whether you are worried or not, the problem will surface. It is better to be frank, a little more relaxed, don't worry about it all day, and be prepared to "cover the water with soldiers".
In addition, the "trust problem" mentioned by the reader is also crucial. As she said, if the mother-in-law trusts her son, she should believe that his vision of choosing a mate is not wrong. That being the case, what else do you have to worry about? It is a blessing rather than a curse, it is a curse that cannot be avoided, and instead of allowing yourself to always live in the "hypothesis", it is better to eat and sleep well. The mentality is good, everything is good, even if something goes wrong, you can deal with it calmly.