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Lawrence, "Sons and Lovers": "Love should give people a sense of freedom, not a sense of captivity." ”
Love can be less perfect, but not too imperfect. Although every love will have a sense of imprisonment to a greater or lesser extent, this feeling should be less than a sense of freedom, so that such love can be maintained.
If, on the other hand, the sense of captivity of love is more than the sense of freedom, it will make people only feel the sense of captivity, so that they feel that love is not worth it, love is very tired, and sooner or later they will give up because they can't stand it.
Not only is this true of love, but it is also true of marriage, and even many people and things related to marriage need to follow such rules, otherwise there will be problems.
If a person feels more freedom in marriage, he can tolerate a small sense of captivity; but if he feels more incarceration in marriage, he will swallow up a small amount of freedom.
The following reader, when judging her brother-in-law's marriage, mentioned the above problem, let's take a look at it together.
Hello Mr. Donglin:
I used to think that my mother must be a good mother-in-law, because she hurt my brother very much, and it made people feel that no matter who my brother married, he would get her love.
However, when my brother and sister-in-law got married, I realized that I had thought the problem too simply.
My mother herself may think that she is a good mother-in-law, and my brother may think that she is a good mother-in-law, but no one except them thinks that she is a good mother-in-law, especially my sister-in-law, and it is impossible to think that she is a good mother-in-law.
I also finally understood that her kindness was only for my brother, and my brother's goodness was only for her, and they could treat each other kindly between mother and son. But for my sister-in-law, they saw her as a spoiler: my mom thought she had taken away my brother's love, and my brother thought she had strained the mother-son relationship.
On this issue, my brother and my mother have a tacit understanding, taking turns to attack my sister-in-law, today's quarrel, tomorrow's scolding, in short, she did not have a good day.
I am a bystander who still feels that such a marriage is very depressing, let alone her as a party. The two most important roles in marriage, husband and mother-in-law, are not good for her, what hope can she see? How much freedom can she feel? In other words, I would choose divorce as soon as she did.
My mother and my brother not only did not keep her, but also said that sooner or later she would be beaten back to her original form, and sooner or later she would regret the divorce, because they not only thought of themselves as good husbands and good mothers-in-law, but also praised each other as good mothers-in-law and good husbands.
What they don't know is whether they are a good husband or a good mother-in-law, and if they don't have a practical standard judgment, they don't have the final say. Even if you exaggerate yourself as a flower, it is only your thought that others may not agree with you.
My brother's second marriage proved this fact and dealt my brother and my mom a big blow, and they didn't expect to be frustrated twice in a row.
Frustrated, my mother heard about my first sister-in-law from someone else, and when she came home, she asked me indignantly: "Your sister-in-law is so bad, why is she better than your brother?" ”
I already knew that my sister-in-law was better off than my brother, and I had already analyzed the reasons, so when my mother asked, I gave the answer directly: "Just by virtue of her doing two things correctly: first, she has her own natural appearance, did not deny herself because you and my brother denigrated her, and still insisted on being a kind person; second, because she had a sense of revenge, she swore that she must live better than my brother, which gave her a better motivation to live." I can't agree with you that she's bad, because in my opinion, my brother is far worse than her! ”
What pained me was that instead of agreeing with me, my mother scolded me with her head covered in the face, saying that I was elbowing out.
Feel free to do it! I've said all the good things, she doesn't want to admit that she and my brother are at fault, what can I do? Since she thinks my kindness is nosy, can't I just leave it alone? Anyway, I will not be with them, I will also learn from my sister-in-law, before getting married, I must recognize whether the in-laws are good people, save divorce and be corrupted by them.
Donglin Xiting Emotional Advice:
Selfish people often fail to see others as good.
The reason is easy to understand: selfish people will be narcissistic, narcissistic will not recognize themselves, blindly think that they are great, think that all good things should belong to themselves, and think that they will definitely be better than everyone else. Once they find that someone is better off than them, or that someone they despise is better off than them, they will find all kinds of excuses to excuse themselves, to slander others unscrupulously, and to try to pull others down from high positions.
Such people will always have unsatisfactory lives because they want too much, pay too little, and only look forward to a better life, without concrete actions.
Like the reader's brother and mother, mother and son always praise each other, thinking that they are very good, thinking that they will live better than everyone else, but they do not know that this kind of daydream is easily shattered by reality, but anyone who lives hard can easily live better than them.
It was perfectly normal for her sister-in-law to be better off than they were, for the reason, as she said, that her sister-in-law not only had a natural appearance, but also had the motivation and action to make her life better.
Judging from the results, it is definitely her sister-in-law's attitude of being a person and doing things that is more desirable, more realistic and more effective. Even if other people's experience is different from her sister-in-law's experience, you can also refer to her attitude of doing things: insist on being a kind person, insist on doing the right thing, what you should do, you will have good luck if you follow the rules; at the same time, you must let yourself have psychological support, and you must find some motivation for yourself to work hard, so that you can persevere until you get the life you want.