Many sisters have such a problem: every time I go home, I can hear the negative energy transmitted by my parents, they either complain that they are unhappy, or they say that I can't do it, I am in a particularly bad mood, and I feel that my efforts are in vain.
If you also have such confusion, don't worry, this lesson I will tell you how to adjust your relationship with your parents and give yourself more room for growth.
I don't know if you have ever seen an Oscar-winning animated short film "Bao Bao", although it is produced by Pixar in the United States, the picture is full of Chinese style, and it is also about a common phenomenon in our Chinese families.
The short film tells the story of a mother who began to be depressed after her son grew up and left home, repeating housework every day, eating and sleeping, and unable to find the joy of life. But one day, she found that a small bun she had wrapped by hand had come to life, and this little bun was as innocent and cute as a little baby.
This mother is very happy, she treats the baby as her own child, pampers her in every way, measures the height of the baby, bathes, buys good food, and the mother and son live a particularly happy life.
However, the baby bag slowly grew up. When he grew up, Bao Bao began to have his own ideas, he wanted to go out with his friends to play, but his mother did not let him, or tied bao Bao to his side, and the mother and son also had contradictions. However, despite the mother's obstruction, Bao Bao eventually ran out of the house.
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And when I came back, there was a girl with blonde hair and blue eyes and a large diamond ring. Mom was shocked at the time, she couldn't accept that Bao Bao had her own life and no longer stuck to her. In a fit of rage, she ate the baby bag so that the baby would never run out again.
Many people will find a shadow of their own home in this cartoon, because in life, there are many parents who will overly control their children's lives, or rely too much on their children, although the children have grown up, parents are still unwilling to let go.
Some parents feel that their children are their private property and do not realize that their children need to live independently; other parents are themselves insecure attachment types and need to maintain their own sense of security by controlling their children. So what do you do in the face of this situation?
In the first step, you can try to physically distance yourself from your parents.
I'll give you an example, but because the situation is different for each person, there will be a difference in operation, and I'm just talking about a general direction.
For example, if your parents ask you to go home and have dinner every day, you may not be able to accept that you have a life of your own except for going to work. Then you can try to have a day or two a week, don't go home after work, you can tell your parents: "I'm going to work overtime today, I have to socialize today" and so on, in short, buy yourself 2 hours of time, do something you like, you can go to the café for a while, or go to the library for a while, you can.
Then slowly, you can go from not coming home for dinner one day a week to not coming home for dinner three or four days a week, and let your parents adapt a little bit. And, when you do something you like after work and make yourself happy, you will have a little bit of self-energy.
Then when you go home and face those nagging, criticism, and accusations, you will feel that it is not as bad as before, in fact, it is the little self-energy generated by your psychology that helps you balance out those bad feelings.
Some people may say that the environment in my family is too harsh, and I think it is particularly uncomfortable to stay at home. Then you can also try to move out of your home and live on your own, isolating yourself from this family environment.
But you need to pay attention to the premise of moving out of the house is that you have a stable job and a stable income. If we take our parents' money, we shout that we want to be independent and move out. In fact, this kind of independence is only formal independence, and you don't have the courage to reject the interference of your parents and the dependence of your parents.
For many people, although it is difficult to move out of the house, your parents will still want to pull you home, or they will always want to seize every opportunity to rely on you.
For example, I have a client whose mother is borderline personality disorder and has to talk to him for three hours a day on the phone, pay attention, it is three hours a day, and his mother will cry and make trouble on the phone all the time.
This is a manifestation of borderline personality disorder, he will feel that you have to put all your energy on him, you have to hold all his emotions, and he will constantly push your boundaries, without considering that you have independent needs.
What to do at this time? This is the second step we are going to talk about, to give yourself space for independence: to draw your own boundaries.
For example, the client I just mentioned, he needs to say to his mother, "I may only be able to talk to you on the phone the next day, or I can only talk to you for an hour a day." "Through such a clear language, tell your mother where this boundary is."
Of course, because his mother's situation is more complicated, in the actual consultation, it will definitely be much more complicated to deal with than I just said, and the process will be longer, I am just saying such a direction.
In general, we may not encounter such extreme situations in our lives. It is more common for your parents to call you every day to ask you to come home for dinner, or to interfere with your decisions.
At this time, you can also draw your boundaries in a clear language, such as: "Mom, I am very busy at work this week, I can only go back to dinner on Saturdays"; or: "I know you care about me, but I have my own decision on this matter." And so on.
I know that the four words "draw a clear line" are very simple to say, but it is actually very difficult to actually operate. A lot of times, we find it difficult to say such things to our parents, and it is impossible to say them once or twice to be effective.
I'm just going to tell you the whole one step in the first place, in life, you can follow this direction to adjust the relationship with your parents step by step.
The next step you need to do is help parents fill the void in their lives so that they can adapt more quickly to a life that is not dependent on you.
Because we say that not letting our parents depend on us is not the same as abandoning our parents. Of course, if you feel that the trauma of your original family is really too great, you just want to escape now, it doesn't matter, don't force yourself to do anything, first let yourself have a chance to breathe, have a room to grow, this is the most important.
Well, if you feel that you still have the strength to help your parents complete their separation from you, you can start by helping them fill the gaps in their lives. For example, your mom expects you to come home for dinner every day, and then you say to her, "Mom, I'm very busy at work this week, and I can only go back to dinner on Saturday," right? At this time, you can also continue: "I see that we have opened a new gym downstairs, the price is not expensive, I will accompany you to see it on Saturday?" ”
Or, "The seaside scenery is good this season, I will give you and your father a group, and you will go to the beach for a walk?" And so on. The core principle is to make parents feel that there can be other fun in their lives besides you. Then when they change a little bit, you need to give feedback in a timely manner. For example, "Mom, you see that you have been going to the gym a lot lately, and you have obviously improved a lot." "It's particularly nice that you take that picture by the beach." Wait a minute.
This actually applies to our psychological principle of "reinforcement," which is to use rewards to make a pattern of behavior repeat and persist.
Okay, to summarize the three steps we talked about. If you want to reshape the boundaries of the family and fight for the space for independence for yourself, first of all, you need to try to slowly open the physical distance from their parents under the circumstances that your parents can bear; the second step is to draw clear boundaries; the third step, if you have spare energy, help your parents fill the gaps in their lives.
Then all you have to do is to complete your own growth in the independent space you have won. No matter what the way, find a psychological counselor, find a girlfriend, read and study by yourself, and let yourself grow up again.