Many parents lose on the "sense of proportion"

Wen 丨 Fish Daddy

1

Home should be a warm and sweet place, full of flowers of love.

But many homes can hurt people.

Pixar has an animation "Bao Bao", which won the Oscar for best animated short film, which seems to be a warm and cute animation, but it has stung the hearts of many parents.

Because it tells us that there is love that really "eats" people.

Animation screenshot from: Pixar animation "Bag Baby"

The protagonist of the story is a Chinese mother, her husband is busy at work, he can only do housework every day, and he is very lonely inside. One day, she found that the small bun she had made by herself suddenly came to life, and she was very surprised.

The mother raised the baby as her own child, and took care of him carefully, afraid that he would bump into it.

The mother was excited to welcome this little life, but the baby bag grew up quickly, and she had to face the reality: the child will not always be so cute, and she will not obey.

The bun is big, has its own world, isolates the mother, pushes the door open, and the expression is instantly indifferent.

One night Bao Bao came back, and brought back a blonde girl.

The young lady showed off the gleaming diamond ring on her ring finger, declaring her sovereignty.

It turned out that the bag baby came back, just to pack his bags, and it was going to leave this home.

The mother was stubbornly guarding the door, and she could not change the idea of the baby leaving.

Disappointed and angry, she shoved the baby bag into her mouth and then squatted on the ground and cried.

Many people will find the "eating" fragment scary.

Although the reality is cruel, it is a true portrayal of many families.

In fact, many children have been controlled by their parents, just like buns that are "eaten".

How many mothers, holding their children in their hands for fear of breaking down, are eager to accompany their children at all times.

When a child goes to kindergarten, he is eager to install a camera to see the child's dynamics at all times.

The child made a handicraft, just got the scissors, he quickly grabbed it, said I will cut.

Seeing the child doing housework, he didn't say anything about snatching it away, saying that he couldn't do it well, and reading was the right thing to do.

As a result, the child has less and less independent space on his own.

In the end, it was all encroached upon.

In the name of love, control the child.

But I forgot to maintain a sense of proportion.

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Wang Shuo once said, "I don't remember loving my parents. When I was young, I was afraid of them, and the older one began to annoy them, and then I was the tip of the needle to Mai Mang, and I quarreled when I met; then I looked down on them and avoided them, on the one hand, I felt that I should be good to them if I had responsibility for them, but I couldn't pretend to be able to pretend; and then later, when I thought of them, I felt sad. ”

This writes about how many people feel about their parents.

Why did the once intimate and beautiful relationship become full of smoke?

Why parent-child relationships become more and more tense as we age.

I think there is a big reason that has a lot to do with the sense of proportion of parents.

Because when I was a child, my children were small, and I couldn't survive without leaving home, and I could only endure.

You're not trying to read the child, to respect the child well and love the child.

Just thinking about controlling the child in a simple and rough way.

When that child grows up, he won't have the patience to face you.

Those painful memories of childhood can torment their hearts.

So much so that this relationship can only be avoided.

In the end, I knew that this could not be pretended, nor could it be hidden.

But why not love it sooner?

The sooner parents understand the sense of proportion, the more comfortable and intimate the relationship with their children will eventually be.

What is a sense of proportion?

It has no uniform standards and varies from person to person.

But it makes people feel the same, that is, appropriate, just right.

Such as loving children, giving children intimate love,

But we must not forget to respect the child's independence, give the child the right to choose, and dare to let go.

3

Give your child the opportunity to try and the right to make mistakes.

I've always stressed giving my kids a chance to try it and even make them make some mistakes.

But many mothers do not agree, thinking that the role of our parents is to make children make fewer mistakes and let children not be hurt.

Otherwise, what do you want your parents to do?

Indeed, in the first years of a child's life, they need meticulous care and a safe environment to grow up in.

But we also need to see the child's self-expression.

There is a reason to see them resist.

Even a two-year-old child may say no to you with a small fist.

They are fighting for their rights, they are expressing themselves.

What do you do?

For example, he was going to take the stone home.

He was going to bring home this plush reed.

In such a situation, the wife will always hesitate.

But I always choose to support the little fish.

Just when he was at the door of the house, I would remind him not to let all the hairs of the reeds fall off, it would not be fun, it was not easy to do hygiene when it fell at home, you see they are very light, and the wind will run away as soon as it blows.

Suggest that you can try to wrap it up, or put it on the balcony.

He achieved the purpose of taking it home and was willing to cooperate with the balcony.

And now, he still picks up stones and goes home.

But won't bring the reeds home.

Sometimes, we have to trust our children.

They are not so unreasonable, and the real unreasonable children are forced out.

Because no one wants to listen to them, they can only do it.

Also trust your child's choices, and they will also consider the consequences.

Sometimes you remember the consequences more clearly than you do.

And the premise is to let them do it themselves, not you tell him the result.

In the process of doing it, the child understands what can be done and what cannot be done.

And next time, he will do better and be more conscious.

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When will you be able to let go of your child's hand?

Maybe you'll say wait until the kids are ready.

In fact, many children have long been ready, such as the age of six or seven, they have been able to do a lot of things independently.

But my mother was still a year or two old.

Desire to have the full time and attention of your child.

But the child is eager not to follow the mother's arrangement.

As a result, the mother tries her best to please or hit the child, and uses these methods to achieve the purpose of control.

Because only by controlling can you feel good, feel needed, feel like you're still a mom.

But this will sacrifice the child's space.

Only when the child is needed in time, when not needed, the mother who knows how to let go can make the child's independent space bigger, find the real self, and develop a healthy independent personality.

Let yourself grow up with your child and have enough courage to let go.

"All love in the world has the ultimate goal of convergence, and there is only one love whose purpose is separation—and that is the love of parents for their children.

The true successful love of parents is to separate the child from your life as an independent individual as soon as possible, and the sooner this separation, the more successful you will be. ”

Psychologist Winnicott, who studied tens of thousands of mother-infant relationships, said that to be a mother, it is enough to be a good enough mother.

This is good enough, I think it is love can not be less, less is not good enough, but also can not be excessive, because more is not a good thing.

This is the "sense of proportion" of parents.

How to do it with a sense of proportion is what we need to learn in our lifetime.

Screenshot of the animation in this article from: Pixar animation "Bao Bao"