Emotions are a testament to being born unique, everyone has different emotions, but everyone's story is the same, hello! Hello, I am Lele, pay attention to my words, into your heart!
The philosopher Zhou Guoping once said:
A person's most precious and reliable wealth is your experience, and your thoughts and feelings in the experience.
People often think that time will make people grow, but in fact, it is not, experience will make people grow, especially painful experiences.
Your thoughts and feelings in the experience are your most precious and reliable assets, and the best catalyst for growth.
For a woman, marriage can make her grow, and a failed marriage experience can make her grow faster.
Tang Lin (pseudonym), 32, has been divorced for two years.
The experience of a failed marriage, which brought her a 5-year-old child, also brought her a lot of painful experiences.
There is a saying that pain itself is not wealth, but reflection on pain is wealth.
After two years of reflection, Tang Lin realized four truths, she wanted to share it with all women, using her own lessons to remind everyone not to repeat the same mistakes.
I hope that everyone can manage the marriage well and let happiness accompany them.
First: The sooner you establish your own boundaries and boundaries, the easier it is to maintain intimacy
Lu Sihao wrote in "May Someone Accompany You to the Turmoil and Displacement":
No matter what, you can't lower your bottom line again and again, not for dreams, not for love. Once you lower the bottom line that you originally considered principled, you will find that you can give up some other things, and you will give up more later.
Women in marriage must establish their boundaries and bottom lines as soon as possible, and resolutely guard against others, so that it is easier to win the respect and cherishing of the other party, and intimate relationships are easier to maintain.
When Tang Lin first got married, the two sides originally agreed to a dowry of 100,000 yuan.
Later, the mother-in-law came forward and said that it cost a lot of money to buy a house and decoration, and the family economy was relatively tight, and could only take out 80,000 yuan as a bride price.
Tang Lin and her husband Guo Xuan (pseudonym) are free love, the feelings have always been good, she feels that talking about money hurts feelings, without too much hesitation, she agreed to it.
Who knows, when the marriage was approaching, the mother-in-law once again proposed to lower the bride price.
In psychology, there is a well-known "broken window effect".
Roughly speaking, when a window is broken, if you don't react in time, then others will become more serious, and more windows will be broken.
The same is true in marriage, when others violate your boundaries and bottom lines, if you do not stop it in time, then others will have to go in and offend you again and again.
The mother-in-law's inching forward made the parents very angry.
But Tang Lin once again lowered her bottom line and chose to compromise. However, her "good talking" has not received the respect she deserves, but because the boundaries and bottom lines are blurred, the other party feels that she is better to grasp.
Now she realizes that the lack of timely establishment of boundaries and bottom lines has left her in a weak position in this marriage relationship, and has also laid the groundwork for her failed marriage.
Second: The contradiction between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is the last straw that crushes marriage
There is a saying on the Internet that says:
A good mother-in-law relationship is not necessarily helpful for maintaining a marriage; a bad mother-in-law relationship is definitely the last straw that overwhelms marriage.
Tang Lin and her mother-in-law grew up in different environments, different educational backgrounds, and different cognitive levels, and two people living under the same roof could not understand each other and communicate effectively.
In addition, Tang Lin did not establish boundaries and bottom lines in time, and the contradiction between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law inevitably broke out.
In psychology, there is a phenomenon called the "internal friction effect".
The causes of the internal friction effect are closely related to the cognitive differences, personality differences, differences in living habits, and emotional conflicts among the members of the group.
The contradiction between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is a family internal friction.
Long-term internal friction will drag down a person's emotions and energy, and will make a person physically and mentally exhausted. Because of the contradiction between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, Tang Lin's emotions have always been in a tense state.
As psychologist Wu Zhihong said, the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is actually a triangular relationship, and men are the core of the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.
The contradiction between Tang Lin and her mother-in-law quickly involved Guo Xuan. To be fair, Guo Xuan is a good lover, but not a qualified husband.
As when talking about the bride price before marriage, Guo Xuan once again chose to escape, and his inaction put Tang Lin in opposition to her mother-in-law.
The dispute between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law has become more and more intense, and the relationship between husband and wife has also been greatly affected.
Third, in marriage, women should be financially independent, but also spiritually independent
When Tang Lin was discouraged and considered the prospects of marriage, she found out that she was pregnant.
The arrival of the child has greatly eased the tense atmosphere in the family and also allowed the couple's feelings to be repaired.
However, as Yang Lan said: the bond of marriage is not children, not money, but about the common growth of the spirit, which is a partnership relationship.
Children are not the magic weapon for maintaining family stability. After the birth of the child, because of the difference in parenting concepts, the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law became tense again.
Tang Lin was furious and resigned to take the child at home and not let her mother-in-law interfere. Until the child was 3 years old, Tang Lin was completely dependent on Guo Xuan financially.
There is a sentence in Yi Shu's "The First Half of My Life":
The most stupid thing about women is that they give up their jobs for the so-called family, and if they want to be independent in thought, they must first be financially independent.
The economy is not independent, and it is difficult to achieve spiritual independence, let alone the common growth of the spirit.
There is also a line in "The First Half of My Life":
When you eat and drink and use it, it is given by men, and you have no right to speak. Once this dependency relationship is established, there is still talk of emotional equality.
Tang Lin personally put herself in an unequal relationship. Unequal intimacy, can not last at all, at the age of 3, she can't stand it, she chose to end the marriage and leave.
Fourth: If conditions permit, please bring your child with you when you leave
Writer Liu Zhenyun said in "One Day and Three Autumns":
Living to this age, remembering many bad things in the past, when the piles were piled up, I felt that things were quite big, I couldn't stand it, and now that I think about it, it's all nonsense.
Tang Lin has been divorced for two years, experienced a lot, and remembered those bad things in the past marriage, what mother-in-law disputes, husband and wife contradictions, she has been relieved. Only children, once they think about it, their hearts are like knives.
When divorced, her parents advised her to give up her children.
She didn't have a job at the time, and it wasn't easy to get custody of her children. Moreover, at that time, she also wanted to throw the child to Guo Xuan and let him taste the hardships of taking the child.
Under various trade-offs, Tang Linqiang was reluctant and did not take the child with her when she left. It was something she still regretted, and something she could never forgive herself for.
As soon as Tang Lin had the opportunity, she would video with the child, and every time she looked at the child's helpless eyes and tearing her heart and lungs, her heart would be broken.
She has a chance to visit her children once a week, and every time she leaves, she has to wait for the children to fall asleep, otherwise the children will hold her and refuse to let go.
Once, she had just walked to the door, and suddenly woke up the child, barefoot and crying, ran out of the room, holding her trumpet and crying, Tang Lin also could not cry.
Mother and child hugged each other, crying together, as if they were separated from life and death.
After two years of divorce, Tang Lin has been reflecting in pain.
The above four truths may seem to you like clear soup and white water, without much nutrition, but they are deeply understood by her from a painful marriage experience.
Writer Su Gengsheng once said: Love is your social life, not life; getting married and having children is your life choice, not your life.
People's life is very long, and it is inevitable that they will experience some failures and setbacks, but these failed experiences are not your entire life.
Smart women will precipitate their most precious and reliable wealth from their past experiences, so that their future life path and happiness will accompany them.
Well, today is here, LeLe hopes that each issue of the story can bring friends a little emotional thinking, like Lele please pay attention to me, to the article like collection recommended Oh, thank you we will see you in the next issue ~