The neighbors quarreled again, and I was not surprised at all.
Since they moved in, a small quarrel in three days and a big quarrel in five days are about to form a law.
The houses in the urban village are very poorly soundproofed, and if you talk a little louder, the next house can hear it clearly.
So almost every day, I hear words like this:
"Can't you just throw away the garbage?"
"Why are you buying so many messy things?"
"Can't you put your shoes away?"
"Why don't you mess around when you're done with your stuff?"
……
It sounds like some trivial daily life, but these two people are always like eating gunpowder, and their sentences are full of resentment.
Such a rhetorical question, in itself, has a sense of accusation, and it is easy to make people repulsive.
In a way, this is a completely ineffective and negative communication.
Professor Stephen Covey, a famous American educator, once wrote in "Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families":
"We are used to yelling at our families, blaming without understanding, ordering without communicating, learning not to thank, and not apologizing, and we all feel that we have paid too much for our family life, but we have ignored the most critical point: effective communication."
What is effective communication?
It is not persuasion, let alone control, but let both sides reach a consensus.
And this premise is to "talk well."
01
A good marriage starts with not being a "bad evaluator" for each other
On the Beijing Satellite TV "I Am an Orator" program, the host Kou Naixin once told a story of his own experience.
Her husband is the famous music producer Wong Kwok Lun, and both of them are very strong and often confront each other when they encounter problems.
Once, in a fit of rage, she actually blurted out: "Huang Guolun, by what point do you deserve my Kou Naixin, do you know that you are divorced, you are a second-hand commodity, you are not worthy of me!" ”
At that time, Huang Guolun did not return his mouth, turned around to pack his luggage, pulled the suitcase to the door, turned back to her and said: "Carnation, some words can not be exported, do you know?" "And then it was gone.
On the show, she said: "Sometimes, the more people who can talk, the easier it is to hurt people with your words." The more talkative people are, the more violent you will be with your words. For the first time, I discovered that I myself might be a domestic abuser. ”
Some words, coming out of the mouths of intimate people, are like the grit of teeth eaten in rice, and the harm comes, and it is impossible to prevent it.
Although the mouth is unguarded for a while, it will also be like a nail, piercing into the heart of the lover and becoming the deepest wound in our hearts.
There is no winner after the gunshot, and the same is true in marriage, no matter which side wins the argument, the end will only be a lose-lose situation.
I believe that every marriage is initially because of love, so why let each other become each other's "bad evaluators"?
You know, the most taboo thing in marriage is to blindly accuse and complain.
Those marriages that really go long and happy know how to respect, encourage and understand each other.
Such as Qian Zhongshu and Yang Dai.
Qian Zhongshu is a big talent, but his life skills can be described as clueless, and even often damage things at home, every time It is Yang Dai who comes to clean up the mess: the lamp is broken, repaired; the ink stains the tablecloth, washes.
Qian Zhongshu would be as worried as a child who had made a mistake every time, and Yang Dai always replied: "It doesn't matter." ”
She knew that since things had already happened, it would not help to be angry, and it was better to talk well to reassure him.
Qian Zhongshu also never hesitated to praise, calling Yang Dai "the most talented woman and the most virtuous wife."
He also wrote in the preface to The Siege: "The book was written for two years. Because of Ms. Yang Dai's constant supervision, she blocked many things for me, saved time, and was able to write it with accumulation. As usual, this book should be dedicated to her. ”
Even at the last moment of his life, the most nagging thing in his heart was Yang Dai - on December 19, 1998, Qian Zhongshu, who was already emaciated due to his serious illness, used all his strength to say a sentence: "Dai, good life (good birth)", and closed his eyes forever.
Qian Zhongshu and Yang Dai let us see what is the best appearance of marriage.
Marriage, essentially, is a dynamic social interaction that changes with each other.
Good words and good words will also develop in a good direction; bad words will only make the marriage collapse day by day.
A good marriage requires you to speak well.
02
A good education starts with a refusal to "strike"
After talking about the problem between husband and wife, we turn our attention to the child.
Most Chinese families lack the habit of expressing emotions and needs, especially between parents and children, often falling into the logic of "I raise you and I have the final say", lacking active listening and communication.
In this environment, it is easy for parents to transform their own pressures and troubles into satire and humiliation of their children.
I know the words of the last netizen, which is very moving:
I know that I am inferior and cowardly, and I want to change but can't do anything, because my parents' words "no show" and "shame" from childhood have left a mark on my life...
I could not have been like that, as long as they said, "You're great." ”
The wounds of the flesh are visible, while the wounds caused by the blows of language are traceless and difficult to heal.
Parents who use the blow as education often do not understand that verbal violence is a longer-lasting harm than physical violence, and even affects their self-esteem and personality.
Perhaps some parents will think that their children have to suffer a few more blows in order to learn to resist pressure and withstand setbacks and tests.
However, psychologists have found that the regular blows of parents will only make children become inferior, fall into self-doubt and self-denial, and suffer from psychological diseases in severe cases, resulting in many extreme behaviors.
The Shenyang Psychological Research Institute once did a study and found that many juvenile offenders often suffered from their parents' language attacks in childhood.
"Pig brain", "waste", "just know to eat", "shame", "people are better than you"...
Maybe the parents just casually say a word, an evaluation, for the child is a label that is tightly attached to the body, even if you forget, the child will remember clearly.
As psychologist Dr. Susan Foward writes in Poisoned Parents, "Children don't distinguish between facts and jokes, they believe what their parents say about themselves and turn them into their own ideas." ”
So, stop taking the blow as education, your child, cares about you far more than you think.
There was once a girl of short stature who fell in love with table tennis, and almost everyone thought she had no talent, laughed at her, and made her give up.
But her father insisted on saying to her, "You're excellent, really. ”
This girl is Deng Yaping.
There was also a young woman who failed the list after taking the graduate school exam twice, and she was 28 years old at the time.
When she was struggling with whether to give up, her mom told her, "It's never too late to change yourself." The following year, she was admitted to the Beijing Broadcasting Institute as a graduate student.
This young woman is the famous CCTV host Jing Yidan.
You see, encouragement is the ladder for children to move forward.
Parents should also be the support and support of their children, not the source of fear.
Good words are a window that parents open to their children to let him see the vast world outside; while bad words are a knife that will only leave wounds of different depths in the child's heart.
The best way to educate children is to speak well.
03
True filial piety begins with forgiving parents for their "ignorance."
Next, let's talk about the "old and difficult" parent problem.
As early as 2,000 years ago, Confucius had already deeply understood: "Color is difficult." ”
This means that in the matter of filial piety to parents, the most difficult thing is not to give their parents a face.
There was once a news that a 65-year-old aunt in Hangzhou posted chat records with her daughter at home, saying: The use of those "novelties" can not be remembered, asking too much and "afraid of children's annoyance".
Take a look at these charts:
"This won't be it" "I've said it to you 800 times, this is 801 times" "Don't send a voice!" ”......
This word, obviously lacks a little patience, but the daughter really helped her parents solve all the problems.
Perhaps, as netizens said: always want to be patient, but always can't help but be angry with their parents, which is a "common disease" of young people.
Not being able to talk to their parents well is simply the norm in Chinese families, and some people even have nothing to talk to their parents.
However, this in no way means not loving.
However, when you stride forward along the trend of the times, your parents can no longer keep up with your steps.
Whether it is behavioral ability or ideological concepts, the differences between you are constantly expanding.
That's the problem.
For example, in the past two years, many people around me have begun to be urged to marry by their parents, and some of them have had a very unpleasant quarrel with their parents because of this.
Friend Xiao Yang once complained:
"How many times have I told my mother, and I hope she understands our generation, which is different from their generation."
At least I am like this, I don't want to find someone to marry casually, I don't want to get married so early, I also want to fight for a career.
But no matter how I put the facts and reason, she just can't listen to it! ”
You see, this is the clash of ideas between the two eras, which is difficult to reconcile.
And many young people, when faced with such problems, often make a mistake: trying to reform their parents.
Parents have decades of life experience, and the concepts and ideas that have been precipitated, which can you easily change?
Maybe sometimes you feel that your parents are too "backward" and too "ignorant", but you must know that your "wisdom" today is the painstaking efforts of your parents in the past time.
You have grown up, you have begun to chase ideals and freedom, and your parents are still the same parents who were a little stubborn, a little clumsy, and even a little superficial in the old days.
Think about how "ignorant" you were twenty years ago, and maybe you can understand how "ignorant" your parents are twenty years later.
So, don't try to get into the head with your parents.
It wasn't the difference between two people, it was the confrontation of two eras.
I like a sentence on the Internet: The greatest filial piety of adults to their parents is "yang and yin violation".
Simply put, verbally and unconditionally soft, and acting in self-insistence.
Not only avoid being tough with your parents, but also stick to your own ideas, why not?
Of course, the premise is that you can prove that "you can live well".
As the writer Wanqing said: "Parents usually do not interfere with those powerful children, not only do they not interfere, they will listen to their children's opinions in turn." ”
Only if you live well enough will your parents have reason to believe your ideas and ideas.
And until then, please give each other more patience and space.
After all, the premise of filial piety to parents is that you have to speak well.
There is a saying on the Internet that we often give the best to outsiders, but leave the worst temper to the people closest to us.
For example, when you meet a strange old man on the bus, you will take the initiative to stand up and give up your seat; the beggar who passes by will help you; the more you meet unfamiliar people, the more restrained and courteous you are.
But for their relatives, they seem to be used to it, indifferent to them, even demeaning, cold war, ming and ming dynasty, day and night, but hurt each other.
This, absolutely not.
What are people most afraid of in this life?
Presumably just crossed the hill and found no one waiting.
Just like you can afford to charge a phone for 5 minutes, but you can't buy someone who talks to you for 2 minutes; you can afford expensive drugs but you can't buy someone to accompany you to the doctor.
People around me come and go, and only family members are always with them.
Family is the most precious treasure in our life.
Since there is love, please say it well.
■ END ■
Some of the content is illustrated / originated from the Network Invasion and Deletion