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Camus: "Even if I'm not sure what I'm really interested in, I'm pretty sure I'm not interested in things I'm not interested in. ”
Everyone can reflect on this sentence, are you sure what you are really interested in, and are you sure that you are not interested in what?
Many people are in a situation similar to what Camus said, and they are very sure of what they are not interested in. The reason is simple: when we are not interested in certain people or certain things, or when we hate certain people or things, we define them as things that are harmful to ourselves, or because those people and things have had terrible experiences, the memory of these things tends to be deeper than the memory of good people and good things.
To put it another way, to explain it more bluntly: a person who has respected you and helped you may take it for granted that people should be like this, and there will be no deep memory; and if a person has slapped you, you will remember it for a lifetime.
Life is a process of clarifying "likes and dislikes", which is related to one's own experience and three views. When you judge by your criteria that someone is disgusting to you, it's hard to switch to a state of liking him.
How to solve such problems depends on the situation. Let's elaborate on one of these situations based on the experience of the following reader, and then explain it in detail later.
Hello Mr. Donglin:
The problems I encountered in marriage are very similar to some of the cases you have written about, which can be summed up in one sentence: on the day of marriage, the marriage room was occupied by the mother-in-law.
Although my situation has not risen to the level of my mother-in-law's occupation of the marriage room, the nature of the problem is similar, she wants to mix our lives from the beginning, ostensibly to live with us, but in fact it is to spy on me, to promote it at close range.
She is selfish because she only thinks about herself and doesn't care about my feelings, doesn't care about our husband's life plan, and doesn't care if her behavior will endanger her son's marriage.
I could have gone and ruined the marriage, and she wouldn't make me feel better, and I wouldn't make her feel better. However, if everything in the world is solved in such an extreme way, it will not make you feel better.
In my opinion, when dealing with selfish people, we must learn to be cruel, and there will be a win-win situation.
Because the problem is not me, I have been wronged, only by working hard not to let myself be wronged can I balance my mentality; at the same time, my heart is not just for myself, but also in correcting the problems in my mother-in-law, whether she can understand my good intentions, at least I am running for a "win-win" situation.
Specifically, I asked her to leave, I asked her to quit our lives. She began to talk to me about the conditions, saying that the house was bought by their family, why not let her live. She said this to suppress me, to make me weak, to let me indulge her selfishness.
I think this node is very critical, if I soften, I may not have the courage to solve the problem after that. So my approach was to be domineering, with some taste of blackmail, to let her stay as a bride, I divorced, and analyzed the stakes with her: "If your purpose is to drive me away, then I congratulate you, your purpose has been achieved." 」 But I want to remind you that if you are really divorced, I don't care, but whether your son is okay or not, whether you feel good in your heart, whether you can bear the gossip of others, I hope you think clearly! ”
She listened to my words and showed weakness, I knew that I grasped her weakness, as I had analyzed before, what she did was not to destroy her son's marriage, just to mix with her son's marriage, just to let us live according to the route she drew, I used a trick to draw a salary, her careful thinking is not so important, so she will show weakness.
I did not do this for my own sake, but because we as adults, how we live, can decide for ourselves, and we should decide for ourselves. The most core factor in the establishment of a family is the husband and wife, if you lose this core from the beginning, I think the marriage will not last, what do you think?
Donglin Xiting Emotional Advice:
The kind of short trivia she said about parents is very real, and it makes a lot of sense to take it out and tell it.
We should not escape because of the existence of such problems in life, although it is important to publicize and transmit positive energy, we should not ignore and cover up the problem, the key is to solve the problem. The problem is solved, and everyone knows how to do it when they encounter similar problems, which is more positive than any empty slogan.
As the woman said, although not every mother-in-law will occupy the marriage room, there are still many similar problems. We can't raise everyone's ideological realm to a very high level in a short period of time, and it is not advisable to pull up seedlings and promote growth.
When you encounter a problem like that, it's not particularly good to choose to avoid it, because avoidance means that you haven't solved the problem, and then if you encounter the same problem, you still don't know what to do. It is more meaningful to face the problem, try to solve the problem, the problem is solved, and then you encounter the same kind of problem, and you will no longer be afraid.
The point she mentioned: treat selfish people, learn to be cruel, and win-win. I think it is very good, because when the problem arises, it is the state of "the mother-in-law goes further, she takes a step back", which breaks the balance that people should have to get along with each other; her approach is the state of "she goes further, the mother-in-law takes a step back", and the balance is found. Even if her mother-in-law can't understand, she is doing this to the benefit of both parties, a win-win situation.
If you can't solve the problem by doing this, it's not that the method is wrong, but because you don't have any other sensible people around you, or that your husband is protecting your mother-in-law, and two or more people are targeting you, in this case it is advisable to give up, because they are not worth your continued efforts.