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Life cannot wait for others to arrange, but to fight and struggle on its own; whether the result is joy or sorrow, it is comforting not to live in this world in vain. With this realization, you will cherish life without being cynical, and at the same time, you will inject powerful inner strength into yourself. —— Lu Yao, "Ordinary World"
Life in the world, should be pragmatic, should pay attention to reality, your life can be combined with your situation to treat, not necessarily have to rely on yourself, not necessarily have to rely on others, depending on the situation.
If you have a ready-made solid reliance, why not? Others can arrange a lot of things for you, can let you have a higher starting point, a better foundation, you don't have to pretend to be high.
And if your life does not meet such conditions, you do not have to rely on it. Your current fate is destined to rely only on yourself, then throw away the delusion of "relying on others" and create your own life with your own hands.
There is also a situation, sandwiched between the above two cases: although there is dependence, it is not completely reliable. In this case, we should "rely on ourselves" as the mainstay, take the help of others as a condition for help, should not deceive ourselves, should not punch the swollen face and become fat, otherwise we will only beg for ourselves.
The following reader's previous marriage through blind dates belongs to the third situation, let's take a look at it together.
Hello Mr. Donglin:
Before the blind date, I was both expectant and afraid of the blind date.
Anticipation is out of curiosity and want to experience what it's like to be on a blind date. Fear is because I have heard a lot of strange blind date experiences, and I am afraid that I will also encounter difficult people.
After the blind date, I found out that my previous understanding of blind date was limited to the more conventional blind date, which was not the same as the form of blind date in our hometown. The forms are different, and the issues covered are of course different.
The blind dates I've heard about before are basically where men and women meet alone. The blind date in our hometown is a collective action of the families of both sides. After the meeting, both sides boast about their children in various ways, the purpose is to promote a marriage, can be successful once, there is no need to carry out a second time, after all, the cost of blind dates is quite high.
Among them, the part of "each boasting about their own children" has a lot of moisture, and almost no people who tell the truth will try their best to beautify their children.
Although I had heard about it earlier, I didn't expect the moisture to be so large.
The man's parents claim that their son drives a luxury car and lives in a mansion, saying that I will be happy to marry their son. My parents believed it, and couldn't help but praise me a few times, meaning that I deserved their son.
This kind of blind date can easily get out of control, and for the parties, sometimes they lose their dominance. Once both parents agree, pressure is put on the child. And often it is not one parent who exerts pressure, but both parents, as well as matchmakers and relatives who are idle and painful.
I was a little out of control, I didn't have the opportunity to express my thoughts, no one listened to me express my thoughts, so I was so confused and engaged.
They think they can be at ease after the engagement, and then they can wait for the marriage. This gave me some respite, and I took the opportunity to contact the man and discover the "moisture" I mentioned earlier.
Their car is indeed a luxury car, and I will not say what brand it is. The house is also a luxury house, because the location is very good and the price is not cheap. However, this does not represent the strength of their family, because they are all borrowed money to buy.
In other words, the so-called luxury cars and mansions are only to decorate the façade, so that the woman can marry into their family according to the fate of the luxury car mansion. As for what kind of life they will live after marrying, they never think about it.
I asked carefully how the house and car were bought, how much it cost, and how much it borrowed. He was honest and told me the truth: "My parents and I almost all of my money was on it, and I borrowed a lot of money." In fact, from the very beginning, I opposed this kind of swollen face and fat people, but my parents had to do this, and said that only in this way could they marry their daughter-in-law smoothly, saying that any woman who heard about the luxury car mansion would desperately marry me. ”
I asked him, "Do you think I'm such a person?" ”
He was noncommittal: "I don't know! All I know is that the pressure after marriage will be very great, and it will take at least a few decades just to pay off the debt owed. I am not afraid to pay back the money, but I am afraid that the daughter-in-law I married will blame me for cheating on her. ”
He was fortunate to tell me the truth, otherwise if he had colluded with his parents to deceive me, I would have definitely blamed him when I got married.
I told him what I thought and said I didn't want to marry because I didn't want to be under so much pressure. He understood, and we agreed to go home and explain to our parents.
My parents communicated very well, I only said that after marriage may affect them, they agreed to my repentance. It is not easy to communicate with the man's parents, his mother learned that I want to repent, directly to the door: "My son drives a luxury car to live in a mansion, why don't you marry?" You won't regret it if you don't marry! ”
It's all here, and she still wants to continue to deceive me, which really makes me very uncomfortable. I did not angrily tell her that I was married, not to help the poor: "You choose good words, deliberately keep bad words, obviously owe so much money, but deliberately create the illusion of a rich man for me, this kind of marriage with a deceptive nature, why should I let it start?" Don't you stop being sophistry? Your son has told me the truth. ”
Presumably, she felt that she could not continue to deceive, so she left.
I don't hate her, I just think it's sad. As her son said, why do you have to punch a swollen face and be fat? Wouldn't it be better to do your best to help with sincerity? To the end, you can only fool yourself into lifting a stone and dropping it on your own feet, you say?
Donglin Xiting Emotional Advice:
The reader should be talking about the form of blind date in the north or the central plains, the man's parents are accustomed to creating some seemingly beautiful "facades", even if they save money and use it frugally, they must also take out all the money to buy luxury cars and buy mansions for their sons, and even borrow money to fill the façade, thinking that only in this way can the son get married smoothly, otherwise he will be looked down upon.
We do not deny that such parents are well-intentioned, but such kindness is meaningless.
If a woman marries your son to see it as a façade, the quality of such a wife is not much better. In other words, the daughter-in-law you find for your son by decorating the façade is either superficial and has no depth, or after marrying over, she complains bitterly, because the real debt must be repaid, and she will blame you for cheating on her on a blind date.
I think it is better to show people with their true faces, how much strength is true, can not abandon the limited strength of your family, willing to fight with your son, is a rare good wife. It's not that cars and houses can not be bought, but that you can give money to both men and women, and let them decide how to spend it, and do everything according to their ability.
In addition, from the perspective of children, there is no need to let parents punch swollen faces and be fat. This kind of self-deception is not good for you or your parents. Not to mention how hateful it is to deceive a marriage by "decorating the façade", at least the debt must be repaid, right? Who's going to pay it back? At the end of the day, you and your parents will have a tight life, what is the point of this?
Instead, take the limited help your parents give you as a basis and rely on yourself. Although the starting point of such a life is not high, at least the pressure is not great. Find the right person to create a life with you, in order to feel the meaning and value.