The reason for the discord between husband and wife is not quarrel, but not quarrel!

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The American drama "Ms. Secretary of State" tells the story of a woman (Elizabeth McCord) who finds a balance in dealing with international crises, office politics and a complex family life.

In addition to the shrewd and capable, emotional intelligence IQ and iq of the strong woman who is both online, Elizabeth also set another very grounded other person for her in the play, that is, a wife who will quarrel with her husband, and a mother who will be mad at her children.

Elizabeth, like many women who entered the marriage, faced many family troubles in addition to dealing with various busy tasks: for example, the two children were constantly in various situations; the husband and wife had differences and often quarreled; and each appearance of relatives on both sides provoked many problems in their original family.

However, until the end of the third season, the relationship between Elizabeth and his wife has not been weakened by the daily routine of trivial dog blood, on the contrary, they are still sweeter than Jin.

And all this is due to the Elizabeths' remarkable marital preservation secret in the play: maintaining a close connection and forming a good intimate relationship.

Throughout the play, there are many ways for McCord to maintain an intimate relationship, and the key point is simply summarized: through a conscious effort to convey clear and direct information, listen carefully, maintain politeness and restraint even if there is a dispute, and the most critical thing is to show concern and respect for the partner's views, maintain good communication, intelligent quarrels, and skillfully resolve conflicts.

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Solve the difficult problems of relationship between partners

First, strive to convey clear and direct information, precise expression:

When Henry broke the washing machine at home, the heroine complained endlessly, "Why did you break the washing machine again?" Didn't you tell me not to put bath towels in the washing machine, why don't you always listen? Instead, after a euphemistic opinion, he contacted the repairman directly.

Studies have found that a more effective approach to communication between couples is to focus on a specific single event that is upset, unpleasant, or divisive.

For example, we may feel sad that our partner does not have enough time to accompany us, and instead of responding with hurtful words, criticism or sarcasm, blurting out accusations that "you are too self-centered, you only think about your own work".

To provoke the other party's defensive reaction, it is better to expose the true feelings and desires, and express your feelings in the first person to get a positive response: "Because you forgot to buy me a Tanabata gift, I am very unhappy now", "We have been together lately for so little time, I am so sad." I miss you. ”

A common bad practice is to go online because of the other party's momentary negligence: why do you come back so late every day? Why don't you ever care about your children? How come you never cook? You don't have this home in your heart, you don't love me anymore.

Or complain: Why did you forget to buy me a birthday present? Why don't you write my name when you get married and buy a house? Why can't your mother bring us children? Barabala.

Even malicious criticism: attacking the character or even character of the other person, rather than targeting a specific behavior.

These misrepresentations will only allow negative energy to circulate between the two sides, and will not effectively solve the problem of the moment.

Second, listen carefully

Listening is based on acceptance, listening carefully, with interest, putting yourself in the shoes of others, and participating moderately when listening.

Listen patiently to each other's words, accurately understand each other's meaning, and express your concern and understanding.

Overcome self-centeredness and self-righteousness.

Don't speculate on the other person's intentions when listening, or have a malicious, critical attitude, always ready to refute, do not interrupt the other party's conversation in a negative way, such as expressing opposition or changing the topic or even complaining in reverse (avoiding the other party's concerns, answering the other party's complaints with complaints).

Fight politely

Even if a princess marries a prince, it is inevitable that the pot and spoon will touch the edge of the bowl in the ordinary days of chai rice oil and salt after marriage. Smart couples are good at arguing wisely, making conflict an opportunity for intimate relationships to become satisfied.

Understanding each other through empathy (empathy, empathy), valuing each other's positions and opinions, and maintaining self-control and composure even when there are differences, even when disagreements arise. Resolve conflicts through proactive and constructive discussions.

When there is an argument, restrain the impulse to lose temper and hostility, and politely express their dissatisfaction.

No complaining, no accusations, no nagging, the focus is on solving the problems of the moment.

Apologize to the other person when you make a mistake, be patient with your partner and understand each other.

When rational discussion is about to escalate into irrational quarrels, self-justification, accusations and criticism, mutual contempt, defensive evasion are on the lips, and the moment when you are about to enter the strange circle of mutual harm and negative emotional interaction, you must calmly control your emotions, or simply walk away to let your anger cool down.

Boundaries and Respect:

There is a strange plot in the play: the secretary of state visits the Philippines, but is sexually harassed by the Philippine president. Colleagues suggested that she stand up and explain her own experience, encouraging other victimized women to expose the president, Elizabeth hesitated, and husband Henry, after warm reassurance, did not state his position as a husband and a big man, but simply and atmospherically expressed It's your decision.

Recognize the rationality of your partner's point of view, express respect for your partner's position, do not change and control each other's life, do not do "I am all for your own good" emotional kidnapping, and respect each other's ideas and practices.

Many women are taken to the ditch by the idea that "a good woman is a school" and do not know which celebrity put forward it, and after getting married, they regard themselves as teachers and principals who discipline bad teenagers, and always try their best to reform their husbands to make him their ideal person.

Forgetting "choose what you love, loving what you choose" and ignoring that respecting the other person is the most important thing in one's life.

To focus too much on the imperfections of one's partner, to think that the other person's shortcomings and inadequacies are the crux of all problems, and to try to change or manipulate one's partner instead of giving them the space to be true to oneself and the freedom to approach or distance at will, is to sow a seed of disappointment for oneself: one day will perceive how all attempts to control, persuade or manipulate the partner can make the two sides drift apart.

Smart women know boundaries, know respect, don't glass hearts, don't do, don't ask three times a day: Where are you? Why? With whom? Smart women know how to argue wisely in marriage.

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Solve the difficult problems of relationship between partners