Guangzhou Listen and Speak Bar Psychological Counseling Introduction:
In daily work, you will encounter some people who come to consult because of marital problems, such as husband cheating, wife running away from home after quarrel, divorce, etc., many people think that as long as the counselor gives himself some advice, let the other party come back.
In fact, when the specific situation of the couple is not understood, the counselor is also helpless, because one or two suggestions do not solve the essential problem, and the suggestion of not understanding the real situation may make the situation worse for the person.
So, in formal marital counseling, how can counselors help clients improve the quality of their marriage?
1. Enhance the "communication" between husband and wife
The first goal of marriage therapy is to improve "communication" between husband and wife.
Even couples who have been married for many years, sometimes there is still a lack of communication, and do not understand each other's hearts, especially newly married couples, do not know each other very well, and have not yet developed the habit of communicating with each other, the result is often many things do not know each other, or misunderstandings, resulting in marital discord.
Generally speaking, the reason for the lack of communication between husband and wife, in addition to not having time or habit of talking to each other, is still the main problem of attitude.
Some couples may think that the couple should "have a sharp mind" and must speak, and the other party should also know; Or think that family chores, chai rice oil and salt, there is no need to say everything to the other party clearly.
As everyone knows, the purpose of husband and wife talking is not only to exchange intelligence information, but mainly to make each other feel that they are sharing the joy of life together and experience mutual love and affection.
Another reason for the difficulty of communication between husband and wife is related to the personality of the couple themselves. Some people like to talk and have a cheerful personality; Some people have a deep, steady personality, good thinking nature, and do not like to talk. This leads to difficulties in communicating with each other.
There is a couple who wants to get marriage guidance. The husband complained that his wife was not good at talking and spoke less, so she felt that the husband and wife rarely communicated.
When the couple was invited to the talks, it was soon discovered that the husbands spoke first, and as soon as they spoke, they talked incessantly, and there was little opportunity for the wife to speak, and there was no intention to invite the wife to participate in the talks.
With the encouragement of the ruler, the wife could not speak easily, but the husband immediately took up the words and criticized the wife for not saying anything wrong, and the wife immediately returned to a state of silence.
It can be seen that if a couple has communication defects, the goal of treatment counseling should be to help couples establish conditions for communication with each other, to show their thoughts and feelings to each other, and to learn how to properly encourage each other to speak, listen to each other's stories, and respond appropriately.
I hope that the husband and wife can talk and listen, and after listening to one lecture, promote the emotional exchange between the two and establish a good husband and wife relationship.
2. Correct the "role relationship" of husband and wife and adjust the "distribution of responsibilities"
Marriage therapy can help clients analyze and adjust the relationship between the role and performance of the couple in order to improve the "interpersonal relationship" of the couple.
A healthy couple must first be able to play the role of "husband" and "wife" and treat each other. That is, the husband, his every move, every word and deed should be able to look like a husband; And those who are wives must be able to look like "human wives".
If a couple can play the appropriate role of husband and wife, they can consciously perform their respective duties, and they can also play a spouse's life function and manage their sound married life.
33. Promote the establishment of a "sense of conjugal identity" and a "conjugal alliance"
After marriage, with the passage of time and the deepening of married life, couples will gradually establish a "sense of marital identity".
The so-called "sense of conjugal identity" refers to the fact that after the couple is married through marriage, they gradually regard the two as one, think that they are husband and wife, and show a high degree of "identity" in emotions and behaviors.
Generally speaking, a healthy marriage, the longer it is married, the stronger the sense of identification with each other, and the more tacit understanding it will be.
The two often think of the same thing, and hope that they both have common things, such a couple, as soon as they encounter common difficulties, they will immediately "unite" to cope with it, and this kind of "union" in times of difficulty is called "husband and wife alliance".
From the perspective of marital mental health, a couple cannot establish a "sense of marital identity" in a timely manner, which means that the marital relationship between the two is not yet stable, and it is easy to produce marital difficulties.
Moreover, when one person is in difficulty, it is difficult to get the support and help of the other party, and it is impossible to work together to deal with the problems they face.
Therefore, in marriage therapy, it is necessary to understand the establishment of the "sense of identity of husband and wife", if the husband and wife lack a sense of identity with each other and cannot produce a husband and wife alliance and role, it is necessary to help correct and make up.
44. Assist couples through all stages of "marriage development"
After a couple marries and starts a family and begins a married life, with the growth of age and the birth of children, their marital relationship will gradually develop and change, and they will also experience different natures of marital relationships and life, which is called "marriage development".
Some couples sometimes have brief difficulties when faced with different stages of marriage development, which is one of the goals of marriage therapy.
For example, if a very loving couple, after the wife has given birth to a child, the husband or wife will be too concerned about the child, which will cause the other party to feel that he has been ignored by the spouse and dissatisfied, and the relationship between the husband and wife will change;
Or add children, couples who are originally happy to raise children, because of the difference in each other's education methods, there will also be conflicts between husband and wife.
These are all problems arising from different stages of marriage development, and counselors should help couples adapt to the changes in the roles, responsibilities and relationships of couples brought about by different stages of marriage development.
55. Encourage husband and wife to "cultivate spouse feelings" with each other
In the relationship between husband and wife, the most important thing is the feelings between husband and wife. However, many couples are very concerned about each other's feelings, thinking that as long as they get married, the two live together every day, and there will be feelings between husband and wife.
As everyone knows, the relationship between husband and wife should be cultivated, developed and maintained with the heart.
How to cultivate each other's feelings, in marriage treatment, the most important thing to pay attention to is to guide couples to develop the habit of praising each other and encouraging each other, and maintain a considerate relationship with each other, so as to cultivate the "feelings" of husband and wife from time to time, which is especially important for Chinese couples who are not good at praising their spouses.
66. Improve the couple's "adaptation to problems" model and solve problems
When each person encounters difficulties, the way they solve them is different; Each couple is faced with a problem, and the strategies used are often different.
Some people immediately become nervous as soon as they encounter difficulties, and blame each other, which not only does not help solve the problem, but also hurts each other's feelings.
For example, if the child's homework is not good, the wife blames the husband for often beating the child, while the husband blames the wife for spoiling the child too much, never urging the child to learn, and so on.
In this way, not only will the child's homework problem not be solved, but it will cause a quarrel between husband and wife. When faced with problems, they have different opinions on how to deal with them, but they do not compromise with each other and argue endlessly.
When conducting marital therapy, for such a non-functional adaptation method that leads to marital discord between the husband and wife, it is advisable to help them improve their adaptation problem and deal with the difficulties they face in a functional and effective way.
For example, the above-mentioned couples who are worried that their children will fail their homework can discuss how to cooperate with and urge their children to do their homework, not too much punishment, and not pampered; If the child does the homework correctly, the husband and wife should encourage the reward in unison; If your child does not do homework, he or she should work together to help him or her solve it.
Therefore, the goal of marriage therapy is to let the husband and wife understand each other's thoughtfulness and understanding, encourage the husband and wife to resolve differences and contradictions in an accommodating and coordinated way, improve the way each other adapts to the problem, and deal with the problems they face.
The point is not only to solve problems, but also to establish and maintain effective problem-solving habits to cope with the various problems that may be faced in daily life.
77. Help couples establish an appropriate "lifestyle"
Just as everyone has a different lifestyle, every couple has their own different lifestyles.
Some couples regard work as very important and work selflessly with each other, and there are few lives shared by both husband and wife; Some couples live apart and can only meet occasionally and live together briefly; Although some couples are together every day, due to the lack of communication, they have their own concerns...
How to manage the marriage lifestyle of husband and wife, so that it can adapt to the needs of reality, can work, rest and play properly, can meet the needs of life, can meet the spiritual pursuit, and can also meet the needs of emotional life, is the art of marriage life.
Therefore, the marriage counselor will help the couple to recognize the way of life they hold, analyze its advantages and disadvantages, lengths and weaknesses, and discuss with each other what the marriage lifestyle they both want to establish together is, so as to improve and pursue it together.