In recent days, I have received a special message for help:
I'm 36 and working inside the system, he's 39, banking. We've both been divorced, he's been divorced once, I've been divorced twice, and neither of us has children.
I'm quite upset right now. We had been talking for a year, and he hadn't mentioned me to his family, let alone to his parents.
He said that talking to his family means that he is about to get married, and he has just bought a house not long ago, plus decoration money, the economy is relatively tight, there is no money to get married, let's not say it first.
Because of this, I was insecure, I knew less and less about his life, and the whole person was suffering from gain and loss, and became very sensitive.
When we first got together, we didn't talk and he would come to me whenever he was free. Later, he didn't seem to talk to me much about his family and work. I called him and he either didn't answer or explained that he was busy and hung up in a hurry.
Sometimes he just says: I don't want to talk to you, I have nothing to say.
To be honest, his series of actions made me very insecure.
If he doesn't answer the phone, I'll go crazy. Reason told me I couldn't call him anymore and he would be annoyed, but I just couldn't control my behavior. Just the other day, I asked him if he was done and came home to talk to me.
He didn't reply to me, and then I made several phone calls and he didn't answer, and WeChat didn't answer back! There has been no contact for three days.
Last night, I found out that his circle of friends blocked me. I called again, and he still didn't answer. Just say on WeChat that we are not suitable or something. I said meet and talk, and he refused.
I've been divorced 2 times, and it's hard to meet someone I like, and it turns out like this again. Teacher what do you say I should do now?
Wenxiu Muzi's emotional analysis and advice:
Thanks for the trust. I'll have to start with a cold, harsh reality: Not everyone is suitable for divorce.
Whether we get married or divorced, it's all for happiness. But there are some people who are not suitable for divorce.
One is the person who expects his partner to save himself and change his destiny;
The other is the person who cannot be independent and cannot take responsibility for his own life.
There is a saying on the Internet: people who can't swim, how many pools to change, it doesn't matter.
In intimate relationships, too, people who don't manage feelings, how many partners they change, are reincarnation. You're the one who doesn't manage relationships.
You've been divorced 2 times, and you care about it. But when facing new feelings, facing the man you like, you still can't establish a good and stable relationship with the other party.
You had a good relationship at first, but after contact, you were less and less connected, and your feelings were getting worse and worse. From the fact that the other party has nothing to say to you, and you know that the other party will be annoyed and still can't help but call him to annoy him, you will only control the other party by repeated calls, and you do not have the ability to grasp the relationship and manage emotions.
Have you ever wondered why this is?
When encountering these problems, what is the correct way to deal with them?
I don't know why you divorced twice before, but judging from your statements, every intimate relationship you have, you will repeat your previous experiences.
You don't learn from the emotional experience of past failures, to summarize, you just run away from the pain you don't want to face. I can say that if you continue the way you used to, even if you and this man enter into marriage, it is only a formality, and you will still not be happy.
Let's talk about why he wouldn't want to marry you.
1, the mentality of a second-married man
Men with a history of marriage, and men who are married for the first time, the mentality of treating marriage is completely different.
Some men will be pessimistic about the fear of remarriage because of the last failed marriage;
Some men enjoy being single after divorce and simply don't want to enter a second marriage.
In short, a second-married man will definitely be more cautious when getting married. Get married more than you don't get married, and they will consider marrying you.
That is to say, if you are inferior to his ex-wife, cannot give him different feelings from his ex-wife, or cannot let him see the benefits of marrying you, he is not willing to enter into marriage with you again, and he does not want to be responsible.
None of you have children, and you haven't mentioned the comparison of the values of the two sides, I can't give more judgment, and a 39-year-old man who works in a bank has a wider range of choices than you. If you can't give him a great relationship experience, why would he want to marry you?
2. Cognition of marriage
From your short few hundred words of message, I did not see how much you loved this man except that you wanted to control each other and want to grasp each other's desires. Moreover, you don't know him, and he doesn't want to share his daily life with you.
Why do you want to marry him?
Is it love? Not quite like that.
I think you're more of a "shell of marriage". But does he need it?
You don't have any chips in your hands, why should people marry you?
If you're just looking for a home, to have a marriage and a home, and you're desperate to find someone to marry, you'll be disappointed. Because you can't even live your own life.
When you're not ready, don't be impulsive. It's easy to say harsh things, but it's hard to really fight back.
The man who now ignores your love was once a good man who held you in the palm of his hand.
He's been nice to you, he's been warm to you, he's been genuinely dedicated to you, and he's wanted to be nice with you.
But slowly getting along, his warm love slowly cooled, he began to criticize you, indifferent to you, and finally had nothing to say, and gradually drifted away.
Here's a key point: He's not so afraid of losing you.
Only when a man feels that you must be you, that you are a part of his life, and that he cannot live without you, he is willing to be close to you and will continue to be good to you on the ground.