One is my online confidante, and the other is my lover who has been married for 25 years. Two different women, both of whom now make me feel very confused. I thought that my heart was open to this online confidant, but she began to question me; I always wanted to improve my relationship with my lover, but years of efforts had not worked... I'm a little overwhelmed now.
I've been married for 25 years, and looking back on these 25 years of marriage, I always feel more pain than joy. My wife and I are so far apart in our concepts that we have now reached the point where we quarrel whenever we talk. Every time I argued, I felt like I was about to collapse, and I couldn't help but do something to her. I did touch her a few times before, and I also talked about divorce, but I never left it.
My wife and I have the main conflict with each other in terms of ideas and her nagging personality. In a marriage relationship, it is generally believed that nagging is not a thing, but I know very well that a woman's excessive nagging can be very harmful to a man's body and mind.
In a family, there are not many problems of principle, and the accumulation of small things is too much, that is, big contradictions, and cannot be reconciled. If the concepts of the husband and wife are too different, they really cannot communicate at all. Because ideas are deep-rooted things, they are difficult to change.
In fact, from the time we first got married, we had contradictions and quarrels. At that time I was resting every Sunday, and she shifted shifts. It was often 40 days before she and I could meet on the same day of rest. I've loved romance since I was young, so I cherish this rare day. I thought about how nice it would be to be together for a day, two people going to the park or watching a movie, but she thought about going back to her mother's house. Sometimes I go back with her, sometimes she goes back by herself, and I go out and play by myself.
Later in life, we often quarreled over these things, and until now, we have lived together for more than twenty years, and we have not eaten together in a restaurant. As I got older and more experienced, I found more and more that I was so different from her.
Because of the frequent quarrels, my daughter also had a great opinion of us, she always thought that there was no harmonious atmosphere in the family, and once my daughter cried and told me that she sometimes did not want to go home.
In fact, I also understand that communication between husband and wife is very important, so I also want to find opportunities to communicate with her well. It's okay not to communicate, and every time you communicate, you will definitely quarrel.
Since I can't communicate, I'll play with my phone. But she was even more disgusted by it. I also wanted to try to find something that interested her to enrich her monotonous life. But she has no hobbies and interests, and she likes to lie in bed and think wildly. I love to read books, and I have bought a lot of them, so let her see her and don't read them. I also tried to think about changing her, and I said, "You don't like to see, I read it to you, you listen." But she wasn't interested at all.
I also know that my wife is a typical good wife and mother, and she has a lot of traditional virtues, such as running the house, taking care of my parents, cleaning up the house, and so on. She has a very delicate life, washing clothes is not willing to open the washing machine, preferring to wash by hand. I love the outdoors, I love cycling, and every time I go out to play, I have to listen to her nagging when I come back.
My wife was reluctant to spend money, and one year, my camera lens broke, and I paid for a different lens, and she cried in the house for half a day. She has to nag about many small things that are not worth it in my opinion, such as I go to the toilet to flush the water, the water pipe is open when washing my face, the toilet paper is used quickly, and so on.
I know that the reason why she is nagging is because of the lack of money in the family. If I am a person with great ability and can make a lot of money, I guess these problems will not become a problem, but I am an ordinary person and cannot make a lot of money. When arguing, she said that I was incompetent and that I was in ruins. If you are in a hurry, she will let me get out of the egg.
I am very satisfied with the status quo, thinking that two people together, as long as they can be harmonious, it does not matter if they have more money or less. One cannot base one's joys and sorrows on money. Although our days are not as good as the best, they are more than enough compared to those who are not as good as us.
I wanted her to accept this idea and make her life easier, but she said, "You see who you compare, if you compare yourself with the people who ask for food, you will definitely be better than them." I said, "You don't call it communication, it's called raising the bar." ”
In fact, in recent times, I have also been very depressed. For some special reason, I haven't been to work for 4 months. The efficiency of the unit is not good, and I am waiting for the opportunity to handle the resignation. This waiting process was painful because I couldn't get the formalities done and I couldn't find a new job.
I can't tell her about the bitterness in my heart, because she has a very bad mentality, and I told her that not only will she not get understanding and support, but it will also increase her troubles and may also lead to more quarrels. I was afraid that I would not be able to control her, and I would hit her again.
To be honest, I despise men hitting women the most, and I think this is a very disgraceful behavior, but this kind of thing has happened more than once or twice.
Let's just say that this time, the building we live in does not have an elevator, and my daughter needs to carry the battery up and down when she rides an electric car to work. Thirty or forty pounds of batteries are too heavy for a girl, so I carry them every day.
That morning, when I got up, I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth and wash my face, which was actually a two-minute thing. But during this time, my wife was not satisfied, and she thought that I was rubbing and began to nag. The tone and tone of her speech are exactly like adults teaching children, and my heart can't help but be a little angry.
I've got the battery in my hand, and my wife is still nagging. The child was standing next to me, and I was so angry that I put the battery down. I said, this class can't fall in love, I don't care. The child carried the battery down on his own and I turned back to the bedroom.
My wife got angry and pushed me behind me, I jerked back and grabbed her neck, and at the moment of the shot, I immediately realized that I was wrong and immediately let go. The wife was probably also frightened and immediately did not say a word.
In the evening, my daughter came back and asked me to talk to my wife. I said: "This morning, it is really wrong for me to pinch your neck, and today in front of the child, I solemnly apologize to you, but only to do this one thing, and the tone and attitude of your speech really make me unacceptable." ”
Over the years of marriage, my understanding of my wife can be said to be fair and comprehensive. I know she gave a lot for this family, for my parents, but that mouth, always like a knife, cut my heart.
For example, if I had lost something, I would have been sad in my heart, but I wouldn't have received half a word of comfort from her, but would only reprimand her fiercely and nagging endlessly. Many times, unable to control her, she actually picked up the stick and handed it to me.
One year, we had just had a fight and I was in a bad mood to ride to a friend. I fell halfway down the road, and my thighs and calves were swollen and fractured. She counted me down in front of her children and friends: "Is this time good?" Don't run! Our child said, "My father has become like this, so you should say two words less!" ”
I stayed in the hospital for more than twenty days, and she stayed with me every night and took good care of me. I remember her kindness to me, but I still can't forget her words that hurt me.
Every time I quarrel, I feel like I'm going to break down. Many times, after a fight, I stayed alone in the room with tears flowing and my head buzzing. I'm really scared of that state.
To resolve the confusion in marriage. Half a year ago, I joined a group of marriage emotional counseling. I've found that a lot of families have problems of one kind or another. Because I usually read a lot of books, I often enlighten others in the group.
After a long time, the friends in the group also trust me, have any family and marriage problems, and are willing to listen to my suggestions. Everyone in the group feels that I am a positive and optimistic person, and here I also gain the joy of being needed.
Gradually, some friends in the group began to talk to me privately. Because no one wants to tell their full true privacy, even on a virtual network. I was touched by this trust, so I did my best to enlighten and help them.
Among them, there is a female netizen with marital confusion, I will call her Xiaoyun for the time being. After she added me, she began to confide in me about her troubles in the feelings of marriage.
In fact, I know that in many cases, others cannot help them out of their predicament. But people have troubles, and talking is one of the best ways, finding a psychologist or having a trustworthy friend. But in fact it is very difficult for us to really trust one person, because not many people will tell another person their privacy without reservation.
I talked a lot with Xiaoyun, slowly got to know each other, and became friends who talked about everything. In fact, at this age, everyone in real life longs to have a friend who understands each other and can speak from the heart, but this is unattainable. I came across it, so cherish it.
I know that Xiaoyun's work is very hard and her emotional life is not very satisfactory, so I care about her very much, and she can also feel my concern for her. Of course, she also knew that I couldn't do anything for her, and she could only listen to her distress and comfort her. It can be said that I really don't think anything of her, because I know that friendship will not last long if it is sour.
Later, the more we talked, the more I began to unconsciously tell Xiaoyun about the troubles in my emotional marriage. The more we know each other, the more we trust each other, the more we talk.
I learned that she soaked her feet every day, and I knew that safflower had the function of activating blood and dissolving stasis, so I bought some for her online; she had a cold and didn't have time to go to the doctor, so I went to the pharmacy to buy her good medicine and give it to her on her way to work. Knowing she was going to have a birthday, I prepared a birthday present for her early.
I feel like I'm doing all this out of concern for a friend. But Xiaoyun's concept is very conservative, she thinks that it is wrong for me to do this, so every time I will resolutely reject my kindness to her, nor accept what I send her, I insist on her acceptance every time.
Now, Xiao Yun has been cold to me a lot. It made me feel very confused, even a little angry. I think I've given too much in this friendship, and she rejected my kindness to her, which seems a bit ungrateful to me, a bit heavy a word, and probably more appropriate to say ruthless and unrighteous. I don't understand, now that society is under pressure, everyone is eager to find a friend who can be trusted and trustworthy, why should she reject my friendship?
epilogue:
After Li Qiang was rejected for Xiaoyun's so-called friendship, he felt difficult to accept, because what he paid was not what Xiaoyun expected. Looking back, my wife has paid for this family for 25 years, so what is her expectation of Li Qiang? It may be that the husband is self-motivated and lives more and more affluently, but her expectations cannot be recognized. All her hard work and effort was all she got was boredom and incomprehension.
No one understood what she had been doing for so many years to honor the elderly, take care of children, and almost masochistically frugal. Her anxiety seemed ridiculous and morbid to her husband, so she could only vent her dissatisfaction and anger with nagging and complaining, but in exchange for violence.
As Li Qiang, you should reflect on the responsibilities you have assumed in this marriage, and have more understanding and love for your wife's years of efforts, and the current situation will definitely be alleviated.