Many people have the experience of imagining a relationship as beautiful and sweet when they are not yet in love.
We can always feel the beautiful depiction of love by the literati in ancient poems, such as: "I wish to have a heart, the white head is not separated", "I only hope that the king's heart is like my heart, and I will not live up to my wishes" and so on.
When I met the destined "he", I was full of affection, only the other party in my eyes, and I wanted to get tired of doing anything together.
However, with the deepening of feelings, mutual understanding increases, the time spent together becomes more, and contradictions gradually become prominent.
Disappointment, grievances, anger continue to accumulate... Bickering, cold war and other hurtful behaviors are constantly played out between the two.
Gradually, both of them were tired, desperate, and did not want to toss anymore, so they began to snub, reduce communication, and even part ways.
Therefore, there is a poem "when the love is thick and the emotion becomes thin", which is used to describe this kind of fickle feeling.
So on the one hand, we envy why other people's feelings can be so good, on the other hand, we think that this person is not OK, it is better to change people.
Is this really the case? Is it really the person in front of you who can't do it?
Through more than two decades of research and consultation, intimacy expert Christopher Meng has found that a long-term intimate relationship almost always goes through four stages.
When these four stages can be safely passed, a relationship can be said to be truly mature.
01
The phenomenon of the moon halo – the origin of love
When two people meet, they generally have a feeling of overcharging.
Then fell in love, as if the heavens and the earth do not exist, the world is beautiful because of each other, only hope that time will never fade, the two can be tired of being together forever...
This is the phenomenon of moon halo at the beginning of a relationship.
Tang Xianzu once wrote romantically: "I don't know what to do, but I have been deep." ”
Modern psychologists have found that the origin of love is deeply related to childhood experiences.
For example, girls who lack the companionship and love of their fathers in childhood tend to favor older, mature men when they grow up.
The education and transmission of beliefs of their parents in childhood will also directly or indirectly affect their mate selection standards.
A girlfriend who falls in love with each time is a bully, from high school to college to graduation, and every time she finds a boyfriend, she is a high-achieving student at a prestigious school.
Regardless of her family situation and appearance, academic qualifications are the first place she values.
According to her, the high-achieving students of famous schools have a supreme aura in her eyes, which makes her admire and fall in love, while she does not care too much about other factors.
After looking back on her childhood, I found the answer.
When my girlfriend was a child, she was naughty and playful, her grades were extremely poor, and she was criticized by her parents.
At the same time, parents constantly express their appreciation and love for children with good grades.
This planted a seed in the hearts of girlfriends: boys with good grades and high education are more attractive.
Since she only saw one option for academic qualifications, she selectively ignored other issues.
Therefore, she was later deeply hurt by a highly educated but emotionally unstable object.
02
Period of disillusionment – the cooling of love
With the deepening of exchanges and more contacts, people will gradually find that the person who was originally good and good in front of them also has shortcomings.
It will also make unreasonable trouble, will be careful with its eyes, will lose its temper, will reject itself... This brings us to the second stage of the relationship: the period of disillusionment.
Since love arises from illusions, there will always be a day when the illusions will be shattered, so the period of disillusionment is almost inevitable.
The difference is that some people can accept that the other party is not as beautiful as imagined, and try to accept the shortcomings of the other party;
Some people, on the other hand, cannot get out of this fantasy and tirelessly want to transform the other party and transform him into their ideal appearance.
So we see that some people will try all kinds of ways to make each other talk about hygiene;
Some people supervise whether the other party smokes or hides money like the police catch thieves;
Some people use various words to stimulate each other, hoping that the other party will work harder and be more motivated.
In fact, these transformations have hardly succeeded, and because they have spent too much time and energy to transform each other, they have not seen any results, so that they have accumulated more anger and resentment in their hearts.
This stage can also evolve into a power struggle: both people want to change each other, both want to prove that they are right, and both want to decide for themselves in the relationship.
At this time, many people will forget that their purpose of being together is to be happy, and the reason for being together is to love each other, not to prove themselves right, to gain a sense of power.
This is why many people know that the family is a place of love, not reason, but once a conflict occurs, they still can't help but prove themselves right through reasoning, and they are absolutely unwilling to bow their heads and admit mistakes and admit defeat.
The result of this stage is generally that both sides will be scarred and both people will be tired.
With a considerable number of partners coming to this stage, the relationship doesn't last, and many choose to separate directly or compete more aggressively for power.
03
Introspection stage - the critical period of running-in
The introspection phase is the ugliest and most difficult phase of a relationship.
Some people come to this stage and will blame each other for all the blame, believing that everything is the fault of the other party;
I feel that the other party has many intolerable shortcomings, and I am the innocent victim.
If you are stuck at this stage, you don't know how to reflect in the face of the contradictions of the relationship, and you try to find reasons in others;
And stubbornly continuing to handle relationships with their own way of doing things in the past will only make the problem more and more serious.
For example, some people will only use blame to solve problems when they encounter problems.
Her partner doesn't like to do housework, and she opens her mouth to say, "Are you blind or have your hand broken?" ”
The partner always procrastinates, and she can only accuse: "When can you be faster and let me worry less about snacks?" ”
These coping styles are often learned from childhood.
When they were young, they saw that their parents would only accuse and even insult their parents when they faced some of their partners' "faults", and they learned this way of coping.
If the other party does not change, they think that their accusations are not enough, so they intensify their accusations.
And some people always use sacrifice and pay to maintain relationships.
When there is a problem with the relationship, I think that I have not sacrificed enough, so I give more.
This is also learned from the relationship pattern of parents.
Only when the pain is extreme will we reflect: giving cannot be exchanged for the harmony of the relationship.
So another group of people come to a higher stage, they begin to reflect on their past patterns and habits, and try to change.
For example, after Xiaoli saw her husband once again not washing dishes, she did not blame herself while washing dishes with resentment as before.
Instead, he said calmly: "After a busy day, I really don't want to wash the dishes, and I sometimes do the same, so I will wash it when I have a good rest and want to wash it." ”
Her husband immediately felt that he was understood and accepted, so whether he still wanted to wash the dishes or not, at least there would be no energy to resist and resist.
The relationship changed in this way, the previous state of tension relaxed, and the run-in between the two began.
04
The stage of revelation – the formative stage of the soul mate
Only a very small number of partners can persist in this stage, and this stage is the sublimation of the relationship.
At this point, the relationship moves from naivety to maturity.
Experienced the phenomenon of moon halo and was attracted to the characteristics of the other party;
I also experienced the stage of disillusionment, saw the disillusionment of my own illusions, and saw the real strengths and weaknesses of the other party;
After passing through the introspection stage and recognizing some unreasonable beliefs and inappropriate coping methods in the past, you can come to the highest stage of the relationship , the revelation stage.
At this stage, both parties can calmly examine themselves and each other's real situation and accept each other.
At the same time, you can also clearly see the trauma of your childhood and the impact of this trauma on the relationship.
In addition, if you can find a win-win way that will not allow yourself to be wronged and will not exploit the other party, the relationship at this time can be truly long-term.
For example, if you are often controlled by your parents in your childhood, perhaps a casual suggestion from your partner will make you feel controlled and make yourself very miserable.
At this stage, you can truly see and accept your fear of control, see that you can't help but treat your partner as a parent, and heal your own trauma.
You can also express to your partner: your advice makes me feel uncomfortable, I feel as if I want to control me, and I hope not to make similar advice in the future.
In this way, the other party can also cooperate well with you, know where your boundaries are, where your preferences are, and thus achieve a very harmonious mode of getting along.
Where there are soul mates that fall from the sky, most soul mates are years of running-in and familiarity, tacit understanding and cooperation reached.
Very few people are born to handle intimate relationships, and the kind of partners who are born as a couple and have an incomparable tacit understanding just together are really rare.
There is disappointment in the relationship, and contradiction is the norm.
Fortunately, we can learn, grow and progress in order to harvest an ideal emotion.
Author | He is a water-stopping healer, who holds the qualification certificate of psychological counselor of the Chinese Academy of Sciences and the qualification certificate of IHNMA international hypnotist, and is committed to exploring the depth and greatness of human nature.