Wen 丨 Qingxin Junyue
As the sole heir of Zhirong Construction, the Marquis has always been given high hopes by his father Hou Zhirong, and everything he does is carried out under the control and arrangement of his father, from the professional study, to work, to love and marriage.
Especially for the marriage of the marquis, Hou Zhirong has always had his own plans, just like the play says:
"I don't care if the marquis falls in love, love can be free, but marriage, the marquis absolutely cannot be autonomous, this is the fate of the marquis."
In Hou Zhirong's view, the marquis's marriage is a major matter related to the family and the enterprise, and he is not qualified to make his own decisions, as the heir of the family, this is what he should, and must sacrifice and do.
To tell you the truth, I can feel Hou Zhirong's love and expectation for the Marquis, and I also understand the Marquis's reluctance to accept his father's arrangement, based on this, I would like to discuss with you about love and marriage, as well as the differences between parents and children's marriage choices.
The difference between love and marriage
Some people say that love that does not have the purpose of marriage is a hooligan.
This sentence has been agreed by many friends, but I have to remind you here that love and marriage are two different things in themselves, even if it is for the love of marriage, it is not simply about love.
Love is an intimate relationship with love as the core, and marriage is an intimate relationship with contract as the core.
Therefore, when choosing a partner in love and a partner to marry, our mate selection criteria are different.
In the eyes of psychologists, men and women have two sets of "systems" in mate selection, one for love, that is, short-term mate selection, and one for marriage, that is, long-term mate selection.
▲ Men's short-term mate selection strategy is to follow the principle of passion and pleasure, when their love is short-lived, fiery, and not accompanied by commitment and offspring to raise feelings, at this time, men pay more attention to each other's appearance, body.
▲ Men's long-term mate selection strategy is a kind of long-term flow, accompanied by marriage commitment and love for raising offspring, at this time they are more inclined to find a woman who matches all aspects of the conditions, the proportion of appearance and figure will be relatively reduced, but the consideration of education, income, family background and other aspects will increase significantly.
The same is true of women, they pay more attention to whether they are happy when they are in love, they also like handsome, good and attractive men, but once it comes to marriage, the influence of appearance will decline, at this time they pay more attention to whether the other party is loyal, whether they have a certain social status and economic conditions, which is the purpose of reproduction engraved in the female genes (they need to find a partner who can provide a material basis and stable residence for themselves and their children. ）
That is to say, from the perspective of purpose and mate selection criteria, there is a difference between love and marriage. This is also one of the reasons why Hou Zhirong can ignore the marquis's love affair, but never allow the marquis to marry independently.
In addition, in the eyes of psychologists, the essence of marriage is a contract, which is not only established for romantic love, but based on the upbringing of offspring of both sexes to form a stable family, and, in a marriage, many times the importance of contract will be stronger than love itself.
This is why in ancient times there were marriages of "parental orders, matchmakers' words", and in modern times there are also loveless marriages.
Of course, this is not to say that love is not important to marriage, but that love is not the whole of marriage, but love can be all in a romantic relationship.
Parents and children have different attitudes and concerns about marriage
In "Three Lives Have the Luck to Meet You", the reason why Hou Zhirong let the Marquis marry the Chen family, and even forced him to obey with a tough attitude, can be summarized as follows:
I am for the development of the company, to clear the way for your future;
Everything about you is given by me, so you don't belong to yourself, but to the family and business;
It doesn't matter if you don't like it now, live together for a few years, have children;
……
I never deny Hou Zhirong's love for the Marquis, but the control in the name of love is really difficult to identify.
In real life, many parents and children will have contradictions and differences in marriage issues, parents are optimistic, we do not like, and we like, parents do not agree.
This may be due to differences in parents' perceptions and concerns about marriage.
In the eyes of parents, marriage is a lifelong event, is the combination of two families, they will use the experience of people to evaluate each other's comprehensive conditions, of which work, income, family background is the main point of investigation, and in the eyes of many parents, children are always children, children mean indefinite, immature, need parents to check for them, and even make decisions.
In the eyes of children, marriage is their own business, which needs to be weighed by their own preferences and expectations of marriage, and their emphasis is on feelings and getting along, and then other conditions are considered.
We can't directly conclude that parents or children are wrong, and it is very normal to have different views on the same matter, but we do not need to exaggerate differences, or even rise to the level of contradictions, after all, whether it is parents or children, their ultimate goal is to hope that this marriage can be happy.
In the case of the same goal, what we need to do is to find a balance to resolve differences, rather than blindly immersing ourselves in the tug-of-war for dominance.
For the marquis, he understands his father's intentions and love, but he cannot accept that he has always been a family appendage, and let his father manipulate everything, just like the marquis said in the play:
"If I'm going to be at your mercy like a marionette, I don't; if I'm going to marry the woman you choose, I don't; if everything is going to go your way, I don't want it."
Deep down, everyone wants to be in charge of their own destiny and can make any choice according to their own wishes. Once someone oversteps the line to make a choice for us and imposes this will on us, even if it is a parent, we will resist psychologically.
This state is the same in terms of marriage choices.
When parents forcibly intervene in our marital love, resistance and rebellion will be greatly improved, the more strongly opposed, the greater the attraction of the other party in our hearts, the more it will make us firm in our choices, and strong rebellion and resistance sometimes even affect our rational thinking, so that what may have been clear is more vague, and the result is counterproductive.
This is also a reminder to parents that if you really do not agree with their children's marriage choices, gentle expressions and communication are easier for their children to listen to than strong objections.
And as children, if your parents have a clear opposition to your marriage choice, don't rush to refute, please calm down and think about what makes them so disagree, they don't agree with the problem, whether you have seriously considered and weighed, this may be a problem of our negligence.
This reminds me of a saying I saw recently: "You can not marry the person whose parents ask you to marry, but the person whose parents do not let you marry, you must not marry." ”
From this point of view, as children, we really need to seriously consider the advice given by our parents, after all, our parents are the most loved people in the world, they just want us to be happy.
Qingxin Junyue, an emotional observer, ta said book critic, film critic. Warm you, me with words.