Text/Thorn
There was a boy in the neighbor's family who had excellent grades in elementary school and had always been "someone else's child" in the eyes of adults. However, after half a year of junior high school, his grades plummeted, approaching the bottom of the grade. I thought that the junior high school curriculum was too difficult, the boy was a little difficult, or he didn't like a subject teacher, resulting in homework falling behind. After chatting with the boy again, I finally found the real answer: it turned out that the boy had been living in an environment full of verbal violence.
In elementary school, as long as he failed the exam once, he would receive special "condolences" from his parents: "Why are you the second place?" Stupid brains? ”。 After entering junior high school, when he faced his parents' questioning again, he could not bear it any longer and decided to break the jar and break it, and the class did not listen.
The image comes from Visual China
The inadvertent words of the father and mother have become the "poison" that hurts the child. Friends, did you have a similar experience when you were a child? What is verbal violence? In layman's terms, verbal violence refers to the act of mocking, sarcastically, and sarcastically insulting the other party, so that the other party is mentally and psychologically hurt. Let's see, did you say the following words to your children?
1. Label insults
"You're a piece of shit!" "Did your brain let the pigs eat it?" "What else can you do besides being a rice bucket?" When parents say such things, their intention may be to arouse their children's shame in order to achieve some educational purpose. But for children, these words can seriously damage their self-esteem. Over time, it is likely to become taciturn and even suffer from severe depression.
2. Derogatory
"You're not the material for reading at all!" "You have to be able to get into college, and the sun will come out of the west!" "There is no one in the world who is dumber than you!" This part of the parents is skeptical and negative about the child, and often expresses dissatisfaction with the child in a degrading way.
Especially in the process of criticizing children, they always like to use exaggerated words such as "always", "every time" and "always" to express a comprehensive denial. After listening to similar words for a long time, the child will slowly form a psychological cue: I am useless and can't do anything well. This "sense of inability" will make children more and more inferior, and they will be afraid of everything they do.
3. Complaining and pleading type
"Please, don't you do that?" "Can you please let us save our snacks?" When children make mistakes, some parents show a negative and powerless state. Although the child apologized at the time, it was difficult for such words to make them realize where they were really wrong and in which direction to improve.
For example, while reading a picture book, a child excitedly tells you. And you are upset because of your work, turn to the child and say, "Please don't make a fuss, okay?" ”。 When your child hears it, he may immediately be quiet and even say "I'm sorry" to you. But in fact, the child is not clear about your true intentions - do not want to be disturbed for the time being, and think that you hate and dislike him.
In addition, intimidation threats are also a form of verbal violence, which not only makes the child emotionally unstable, but also brings security risks to the child. What do parents do in their daily lives to avoid inadvertent verbal violence against their children?
Urination suggests that you try this set of nonviolent communication methods, from the book "Nonviolent Communication" by marshall luxemburger, a nonviolent communication expert, which is mainly divided into 4 steps.
Describe the observed facts
When communicating with children, parents should first express the facts they see clearly. Be careful not to add your own judgment or evaluation here. For example, when a parent sees a child throwing a lot of toys on the ground, he can say, "I see you throw a lot of toys on the ground," instead of "Make the living room so messy, how do you just know how to make trouble?" ”。
2. Express your feelings
After explaining the facts, Bao Mom and Dad can express their true feelings. Again, for example, when a child throws a toy on the floor, Mom and Dad can say, "I'm a little angry when I see you do this."
3. Say what you need
This step is to explain to the child what kind of needs lead to the "feelings" in the previous step. Continuing with the example of "the child throws toys on the floor", the parents can say" because I want the home to be clean and tidy, and I don't want to mess around." So seeing toys all over the floor, I was a little angry. ”
In addition, parents should also guide their children to express their needs and feelings, and can say" why are you doing this? Do you want your mom to play with you? ”。
4. Make a request clearly and specifically
Now in the face of the "child throws the toy on the ground" thing, the parents can discuss the solution with the child. Mom and Dad can say, "It turns out that you want to play with me, so I'll go wash up quickly and play games with you when I'm done?" Then can you promise me to pick up the toys and put them in the basket first? ”
Every parent loves their children, but often inadvertently hurts them. Read the book "Nonviolent Communication" from now on, try to use this method, express yourself sincerely, criticize and accuse less, care and listen more, and grow up with your children!
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