Author | orange
"Hurry up, grind, how many times have you been urged?"
"Why are you still watching TV, are you done with your homework?"
"You can't do this well, what else can you do?"
“……”
Have you yelled at your child about these hurtful words?
In the process of raising children, many parents have had the experience of being helpless and yelling at their children.
But the impact of long-term verbal violence on children is unknown to most parents.
The more you roar, the more rebellious the child becomes
Educator Montessori once said, "Every character defect is caused by some kind of mistreatment experienced in early childhood." ”
For us, yelling is a brief period of emotional loss of control, and for a child, the effects can last a lifetime.
Studies have shown that when children face yelling, they tend to have 3 reactions:
The first reaction: confessing mistakes in the mouth, not in the heart
In order to let the yelling pass sooner, they chose to give in temporarily, but did not really realize the problem.
Over time, it is easy to develop into a flattering personality, and the personality becomes inferior and cowardly, and cannot take responsibility well.
Such is the case with her friend Xiaomin, who grew up in the anger of her father. Initially pleasing parents, then beginning to please everyone around them.
People who have been in contact with Xiaomin have said that she is very good, but Xiaomin said that she is really tired and does not know how to change.
The second reaction: silence, numbness
Under the appearance of this kind of child, who seems to be indifferent, the inside has already been torn.
Teacher Fan Deng once explained this situation:
"Some children don't react to him when you see him, but in fact, the children don't know how to deal with the injury, so they suppress it into the subconscious."
Children who grow up in silence are more likely to have problems such as indecision, isolation, and stubbornness and rebellion.
The third reaction: a frontal counterattack, easy to get out of control
Children with this kind of performance often react to talking back, and in severe cases, there will be excessive behaviors such as crying, throwing things, and even running away from home.
See a piece of news like this:
A father who was not serious about his homework because the child roared a few words, and his 10-year-old son ran away from home in a fit of anger and asked the police for help in the middle of the night.
Psychologist Mona Shure pointed out that if the parent's discipline is to reprimand, rebuke and command, then the child can easily show psychological and verbal aggression.
Such children will enter the rebellious period earlier, cannot handle interpersonal relationships well, and even get out of control as they grow up.
The consequences of yelling at a child are far more serious than we think.
When we yell at the child, seeing the child's performance is only the tip of the iceberg, and those deeper effects are hidden under the iceberg...
In addition to personality, yelling can also directly affect a child's brain development.
Martin A. Teicher, an associate professor of psychiatry, has conducted a more than decade-long study on "parental verbal attacks hurt children."
The study found that children who had been subjected to verbal violence for a long time had a verbal IQ of 112 points, while children who had not suffered verbal violence had a verbal IQ of 124 points.
That is to say, children who have suffered from verbal violence by their parents for a long time will not only suffer damage to brain structure, but also affect their development.
Never vent your emotions as a discipline for your child.
Do these 2 points well, do not yell at the child also obedient
Yelling can be counterproductive to education, so what should we do when a child makes a mistake?
The following 2 methods are recommended for collection:
1. The ABCDE rule
"No Roar, No Scream" says:
When we yell and scream, children are always watching us, they see their dearest parents lose control, they may be full of fear, they may be full of resentment;
But the only thing that is impossible is to harvest the motivation to love and correction.
When you're angry, try the ABCDE rules in the book:
Ask
Ask yourself "How do you feel now?" What's next? Can perceptions change? ”
Breath
Start breathing from the abdomen and perceive your own body.
Calm yourself
Replace the next angry thoughts with positive, realistic thoughts.
Decide what your child needs
Think about your child's personality and age. Are there reasonable expectations? What does he really need?
Empathize
Put yourself in your child's shoes and try to feel his emotions and thoughts.
Don't hide from everyone that this law works for me:
Once I took my daughter to the park and agreed to go home at 6 o'clock, but when the time came, my daughter began to play tricks and did not leave.
At that time, I really wanted to come to a "Hedong lion roar".
But near the outbreak I suddenly thought of this law, first try to sense my current emotions, and then take a deep breath, find my sanity, and think about countermeasures.
Thinking about the child's situation again, empathy: there are many children playing with her now, and when they go home, they are alone, and it is not incomprehensible that they do not want to go.
Then I realized that coming home late was not an emergency, and that I was just going out to have fun.
So I told my daughter that although we had time, she was having a good time and we could go in 5 minutes.
The daughter happily accepted the suggestion after listening, but only 5 minutes of difference avoided a parent-child conflict.
The ABCDE law makes me take a step back and see the problems I face more clearly when I am angry.
2. Whisper education
Hu Shi once wrote in "My Mother":
"My mother never scolded me in front of others, beat me up, I did something wrong, she only looked at me, I saw her stern eyes, and I was frightened." 」
Never loudly reprimanding Hu Shi outside, the mother will always wait until the evening when people are quiet, and educate her son behind closed doors;
With her unique tenderness and tolerance, she influenced Hu Shi's life.
In a family, the most authoritative speaker is often not the one who yells often, but the one who whispers education.
Psychologists have studied tones that express different things, and found that when adults criticize children, it is easier to use whispered tones:
Whispering education can not only concentrate children's hearing, but also make their emotions more peaceful and drive away anger.
Low voice, low is not only the volume, but also the anxiety of the heart.
After the roar, make amends in time
Of course, there are many trivial things in life, and it is inevitable that there will be times when emotions cannot be controlled.
If you've yelled at your child, remember to apologize to your child.
Many parents don't actually apologize, which can be seen from the way they apologize.
"Baby, mom shouldn't scold you, but I'm all for your own good, and if you write your homework well, I won't yell at you."
This seemingly apologetic behavior is actually a shirking of responsibility.
The first step to apologizing is sincerity.
Be truly aware of your own problems and see the whole thing with empathy.
It can be structured according to regret + responsibility + remedy:
"Baby, I'm sorry I lost my temper with you today, I know it makes you sad." (Regret) "It was just that Mom didn't control her emotions. "(Responsibility)" Mom will do a good job of emotional management in the future, and when you finish your homework, we will talk about your schedule and weekend plans together. "(Remedy)
Apologizing is the process of reviewing your own behavior, which can avoid the next yelling to a certain extent.
Moreover, the child is very good at learning, if you apologize to the child after a tantrum, he will also learn to apologize after making mistakes and develop good social habits.
Education scholar Yin Jianli once said:
In the face of the child, the greatest civilization of the adult is to stand in the child's point of view, try to understand what he is doing, and guide him in a way that he is willing to accept.
Raising a baby is not easy, don't let your hard work be consumed by the wrong way of communication.
We are the role models that children are learning, and before each anger, please think about the consequences of this choice, what will teach the child, and believe that the results will be very different.
From today on, be a little more gentle with your children.
—— End ——
Author: Sweet Orange, a hot mom, four people in the world. Some of the pictures are from the Internet, and the copyright belongs to the original author.