"Roaring parenting" can make children stupid, and that's no joke!

"Why did you get your clothes dirty again, are you a pig?"

"Hurry up and put me to bed, and I'll hit someone if I rub it again!"

"If you don't eat, roll aside and don't bother me!"

......

Do these words sound familiar? Usually when we say these words, our voices will be raised by 8 degrees, and we will tighten our faces in the hope of "subduing" the "bear" child.

Zhu Yongxin, a member of the Standing Committee of the National Committee of the Chinese People's Political Consultative Conference and vice chairman of the Central Committee of the China Association for Promoting Democracy, said in an interview with reporters that parents roar, roar, scold, and count when educating their children belong to language violence, which is a kind of domestic violence, and sometimes language violence is more serious than hands-on.

Such a topic to take out to discuss, in itself is a kind of progress, no matter what the answer, Xiaobian wants to say, roaring parenting, really can't!

1. Roaring parenting, you may reap the rewards of a "getting dumber" child

Long-term verbal violence can indeed change the structure of a child's brain and affect his intelligence.

Martin A. Teicher, associate professor of psychiatry at McLean Hospital, a top Psychiatric hospital affiliated with Harvard Medical School, and his team have conducted extensive research on the long-term harm of verbal attacks by parents for more than a decade.

In 2009, Teicher's team used diffuse tensor imaging (DTI) techniques to analyze the brains of young adults who had experienced verbal violence from their parents and found that their Wernicke region (primarily responsible for understanding speaking) and the prefrontal lobe had fewer connections, and the fewer connections between these two regions, the worse the person's ability to understand speech.

Echoing this, people who often experienced verbal violence from their parents as children had a verbal IQ of only 112 points, which was lower than those who did not suffer verbal violence frequently as children (124 points). Teicher said, "I don't think these people are reaching their linguistic potential. ”

So, when you yell at your child, "You're stupid," he may really get stupid!

2. Roaring parenting, you may reap a "getting lower and lower emotional intelligence" child

Think about it, why do you always yell at your children, why do you always handle your relationship with your children?

Because maybe we haven't been treated with tenderness, that's how we've been yelled at!

Once people lose control of their emotions, they tend to switch to the most familiar pattern, which is what we call stress response.

So a child who grows up in a roar, do you think he can be "warm as jade and warm to the heart" when dealing with his relationships?

Maybe it could, but it was difficult, and the way he learned to deal with problems from his parents— yelling, sarcastic insults, etc.— was a difficult obstacle to cross on the road to the "cultivation" of his emotional intelligence.

3. Roaring parenting, you may reap the rewards of a child who is "getting depressed" or going to extremes

Research by many scholars, including Teicher, has found that children who are verbally abused by their parents early in life are more likely to have mental health problems such as depression and anxiety in adulthood.

Even if the child does not have these mental problems, the parents' denial, blow, and criticism will bring negative psychological hints to the child, and transform them into his "inner critical voice" and form a strong "anti-self" consciousness.

They habitually self-criticize and deny, feeling that they are worthless, as Professor Susan Foward says in the book Poisoned Parents: "Children will always believe what their parents say about themselves and turn them into their own ideas." ”

Therefore, your casual few words may have been rooted in the child's heart, affecting his attitude towards life and life.

The Shenyang Psychological Research Institute once made an educational short film called "How Much Harm Language Can Cause", which is worth watching by every parent.

Many parents say that they don't want to yell at their children, and sometimes they will regret it after yelling, but when people are angry, they really do everything, especially for wayward children, and it doesn't make sense to talk to him, and they can't control him without yelling!

Napoleon once said: "The man who can control his emotions is greater than the general who can take a city." ”

And for parents, once the "roar" is effective, we can't help but often use this "immediate" way, in the long run, we may change from an educator to a verbal violence perpetrator, which is terrible to think!

So how can you control your anger and quit the "yelling" communication style? In the 100 million children's emotional intelligence IQ course and parent course, a method was recommended - imitating the three steps of balloon deflation, which parents can learn from.

Three steps to calm anger

1

Find the exit to deflate the balloon first

You can think of yourself when you're angry as a balloon filled with your anger. We need to find an outlet for our anger, a process called "acceptance and expression."

You can tell yourself, "I'm feeling angry right now. Then ask yourself, "Why am I angry?" For example, you find out: "I feel angry because they don't respect my efforts." When you discern the reason why you are angry, you find an outlet for "deflation", and you can also slowly return your rational emotions.

02

Adjust your mindset and enter the deflation process

Next, you can try to start by adjusting your facial expressions and changing your mindset, "make a fake gesture, smile, and deceive your brain."

Neuroscientists have found that the human body can change people's emotions, such as when you smile, the facial muscles will make movements, the brain receives habitual smile information, even if you are not happy, the body will "mistakenly think" that you are happy at the moment, and naturally will produce some positive and happy emotions to dilute your anger.

You can also take a "deep breath" or wash your face with cool water to calm your mind.

03

Use the "idea expression formula" to let the anger go completely

The ultimate purpose of anger and anger is to solve the problem, and if the problem is not solved, the anger will always exist, and then we can use the "idea expression formula": "My idea is..., what I should reflect on is..., if I want to solve the problem, the way I can use it is... If the problem is solved, I will not only be happy but also get..."

For example, if you are angry because your child throws toys, the "idea expression formula" can be: "My idea is that the child should develop a good habit of putting the toy in place, I should reflect on the fact that I did not cultivate his habit in advance, if I want to solve the problem, I can take him to collect the toy now, as long as he puts it away, I will reward him with a small red flower." The problem will be solved quickly and he and I will be very happy. ”

If you can't help but want to lose your temper and yell at your child, try these three steps and make it a habit, you will find that your relationship with your child will be more harmonious, and the child is also observing and imitating you in the process of learning to deal with problems more intelligently.