Author | Dayu Mulberry Night
There was a true story that happened to me.
A girl with average grades, her parents always want her to get ahead, and discipline her very strictly.
Growing up, she endured a lot of sneers from her parents.
No one expected that these words had buried a time bomb in the girl's heart.
On my father's 48th birthday, he invited his friends and family to dinner, and everyone drank a few glasses of wine and chatted happily.
Some people praised the girl for going to college, and also joked that the girl's parents would be blessed later.
The girl smiled shyly, but Dad said:
"This is what has a chance, just an ordinary undergraduate, and now the undergraduates are grasping a lot."
The girl was embarrassed.
Dad also added to her:
"If I had been as unproductive as you, I would have jumped off the building and died."
As soon as the words fell, the girl's face was pale, her eyes were filled with tears, and she bowed her head without making a sound.
No one expected that in the middle of the night, the girl jumped off the building. On the clean and tidy desk, the diary ended with a line:
"Why can't I do anything good enough..."
Her parents were crying almost faintly, not understanding why their daughter had suddenly committed suicide.
There are many kinds of negative evaluations that parents have unconsciously:
"Why are you so careless?"
"How come you don't have an eye value?"
"How can you be so stupid?"
I think it's just unconsciously saying a few words to the child,
Afterwards, it's all right.
In fact, a sentence blurted out has a huge impact on children.
01
There is a video on Weibo where the girl is about to graduate from college.
Mom asked, "What are you going to do after graduation?" ”
The daughter joked: "Find a rich husband." ”
Mom sneered, a serious mockery:
"You're short and small, and you're nothing compared to anyone else!" Still want to marry a rich man? ”
Dad couldn't help but complain:
"Stop daydreaming!"
From looks to girls' professions:
"I was blind enough to choose this major!"
"It's simply not realistic, you can't find a good job."
The parents "mixed doubles", and the daughter silently shed tears.
Endure the grievances in his heart and hold his face red.
Later the girl responded to the video:
"I'm not going to look for a job."
Arrows hurt the flesh, words hurt the soul.
The result of "labeling" a person is often to make them develop in the direction of the "label".
From positive to negative, it's all in one sentence from your parents.
There is a story dictated by a boy.
When I was studying, I was in the top three of my class,
But his parents have always been unhappy with him.
One of his parents' favorite things to say to him was:
"You are not as good as XX, people take the first place every time."
One day, Dad was teasing the family's puppy and teaching him to bow his hand to show "congratulations." After the puppy learned, Dad was so happy that he kept stroking the dog's head and praising it for its intelligence.
At this moment the boy's heart broke.
His parents,
You can praise a dog for successfully making an arching hand,
But he refused to praise him for "doing a good job."
At that moment, he felt that he was not even as good as a dog.
The boy gave up his efforts, failed the college entrance examination, and achieved almost nothing when he became an adult.
When the boy grew up and mentioned this experience, his father did not understand:
"Isn't that just a sentence?"
Parents think that a sentence that is casually spoken will take root in the child's heart.
There is a "white bear effect" in psychology.
Ask participants who have been frightened or hurt by the white bear not to recall the scene of fear or pain at that time, and not to think about the white bear.
As a result, people's thinking has a strong "rebound".
A white bear quickly appeared in the minds of the participants, and they kept recalling the painful experiences of the time.
The same goes for kids.
After attention is "rooted", the pain will only deepen.
The more painful it is, the more it is impossible to get rid of it.
Studies have found that emotional pain and physical pain, the response pathway in brain regions, are almost exactly the same.
Under an emotional blow, the area of the brain is activated
When subjected to severe verbal violence, children will feel trembling all over their bodies and shortness of breath.
Physical pain, even nausea and dizziness.
Every blow that parents give their children,
It does not fade with the erosion of time.
harm caused by verbal violence,
It remains in the child's heart almost permanently.
02
How does verbal violence hurt?
From a physiological point of view, there are three types:
1. Language comprehension ability becomes worse
The American Psychiatric Hospital has done research to analyze the brains of adults who suffered verbal violence from their parents as children.
It was found that people who often suffered verbal violence from their parents as children had a verbal IQ (which represented reading, writing, and conversational skills) of only 112 points.
Those who did not regularly experience verbal violence as children scored 124.
The connection between the Wernick district (mainly responsible for understanding the spoken language) and the prefrontal lobe (which plays an important role in the regulation of human thinking and behavior, and is closely related to intelligence) is reduced, and the ability to understand language becomes worse.
3. The reaction ability becomes worse.
Usually, the brain's neurotransmitters emit soothing chemicals that indicate that we are safe. At this time, the child's neural pathways are calm.
But because the child's prefrontal cortex (which plays an important role in the regulation of people's thinking and behavior, and is closely related to intelligence) is still developing, and the brain's executive function is also very weak, their body will interpret the fear of being yelled at as "dangerous".
In order to ensure survival in this "dangerous" environment,
Their brains are forced into "survival mode."
For children whose brains are still developing,
Long-term in "survival mode",
Will change their brain structure.
The hippocampus and prefrontal cortex are affected, and emotional management and decision-making skills become poor. It may be easy to be provoked and use scolding to "fight back"; it may also be very fragile, and others will lose the ability to react when they say a word out loud.
3. Emotional disorders
The Korea Advanced Institute of Science and Technology has published a paper.
They recruited a group of subjects who had experienced being yelled at and abused in childhood and adolescence, and had been diagnosed with depressive mood disorder.
The researchers found that some of these people's brain regions are structured differently from those of ordinary people.
Their right frontal amygdala circuit (associated with anxiety, fear) produced abnormal changes and were more likely to have mood disorders.
harm caused by verbal violence,
It remains in the child's body almost permanently.
03
Before Sanmao's death, she wrote many articles, and her talent has long been recognized by countless people.
Only her father was satisfied with her work.
Until one day, my father read her article and wrote her a letter.
The letter reads:
"I was deeply touched after reading it, and I was deeply proud of having such a small grass."
Sanmao was suddenly lost.
She waited for her father's words for almost a lifetime.
In a letter to her father, she wrote the following passage:
"Dad, you agree with your daughter, but I have mixed feelings, I don't know what it means to live, and I want to cry." This kind of thought of wanting to die is a kind of completion of the father-daughter realm, very successful, and the taste of success is the sadness and joy of death. Dad, you finally said, said: Daughter can also be your pride. ”
Parents think that a light and fluttering affirmation is insignificant.
But I don't know that affirmation, in the child's heart, is the "taste of success", is "death is also blind to the sadness and joy".
That one affirmation, very light.
At the same time, it is also a strength, very heavy.
How to use language to suggest positively to your child? These methods can be used more than one.
1 Repeat continuously:
The "Law of Attraction" theory: a sentence repeated a hundred times can become the truth, and a sentence of truth repeated a hundred times can be deeply implanted in people's minds.
No single word of praise or encouragement can change a child's behavior, but if you keep repeating it, you will definitely see the child change.
2 Describe the goal:
Focus your attention on goals and help your child visualize outcomes and goals, the clearer the better.
Mom and Dad used to say, "Hurry up! Be late! But the child does not experience the consequences of "being late" and does not know how to be faster, which is no goal.
3 Respect:
Since you have thought about it, Your Parents support you! Mom and Dad respect you. I want to hear what you think.
The older the child, the less he wants to be controlled, give it respect, and let it go appropriately.
4 Empathy:
You didn't do well in the exam this time, and you don't feel comfortable in your heart, right? I know how you feel, it's called disappointment, and I've experienced it too. If it's sad, cry for a while.
More perception of the child's situation, emotions and emotions, and empathy can make the connection between parents and children closer.
5 Give choice and decision
You decide for yourself! You can choose... or...
When a child does not want to follow the parent's decision, giving a few options may avoid a communication stalemate.
04
Lucky people are healed by childhood all their lives, and unfortunate people are healing their childhood all their lives.
Every child wants to be the pride of their parents.
Even if he does not study well, mischievously, and does nothing, they will always have a vacant place in their hearts, waiting for their parents to fill it with affirmation and appreciation.
Give your child a word of affirmation and fill them with strength.
Give your child a word of approval, and you can make him feel happy for the rest of his life.
Don't underestimate the weight of identity in your child's heart.
May you and I both be the ones who heal our children for the rest of their lives.
—— End ——
Author: Dayu, loyal to himself, loyal to life. The thing you are most willing to do is where your true talent lies. Sang Yu evening, a writer, rational and literary, accompanies you with words. Some of the pictures are from the Internet, and the copyright belongs to the original author.