Language is a power that makes people feel warm. But when language becomes violence against children, it will be an irreparable disaster.
01
In the variety show "The Boy Says", there is a scene that makes me very sad.
A girl cried and cried out loud about her mother:
"Why do you always compare me with other classmates, why do you never see my efforts?"
As a result, her mother responded coldly: "In fact, I have been constantly hitting you, with your character, not hitting will drift." ”
When the girl wiped her tears and said that her personality was not suitable for the blow.
Mom still insisted on her own thoughts, "When you are strong, I think I have to shoot it, and when you are weak, I think I have to push you." ”
The daughter found that no matter what she said, she could not persuade her mother, so she cried and walked off the stage.
Soon, this dialogue appeared on Weibo's hot search, and many netizens said:
"In this girl, I saw myself at that time."
How many children, that's it, are hit by their parents from childhood to adulthood.
The famous psychologist Marshall Luxemburg said:
"Maybe we don't think that our way of talking is violent, but language does often cause pain to ourselves and others."
Many parents always ignore this, and they brazenly attack, ridicule and even insult their children.
But I never thought that the violence of language, although it does not attack the body, but the attack on the heart, the damage index is particularly amazing.
02
You are full of viciousness, making the child cowardly and inferior
I believe that the vast majority of parents truly love their children, which is beyond doubt.
But most of the time, they are full of love and behave viciously.
According to a study by the University of Iowa in the United States, less than 20% of the words parents say to their children every day are positive and full of encouragement.
On average, each child gets more than 400 negative reviews a day, compared to just over 30 positive reviews.
"How are you so stupid?"
"You can't do this little thing!"
"Why can't others do it?"
"What's in your head?"
"Such a simple topic will not be!"
"Don't cry, I don't want you anymore."
These are the usual terms used by parents to scold their children.
Some parents are not unaware that these words will hurt their children, nor are they unable to control their emotions to vent.
Just take it for granted that you can't say too many good things to your children, if you say a few words, you can't bear it, how will you live in society in the future?
Global children's safety group Safeds has published such a poster.
A lost child, holding a 26-point exam paper. The corners of his eyes were drooping, his expression was tense, and he looked very frightened.
Engraved on his body are the words his parents said to him:
"Did your brain let the pigs eat it?"
"If you take the test like this, do you still have the face to go home?"
The child accidentally broke the vase, bowed his head, and was overwhelmed.
Before they could open their mouths to admit their mistakes, the ugly words of their parents swept in, as in the past:
"Every day you are hairy, you were a troublemaker in your last life?"
"It's really unlucky to have you at home!"
There was also a kid who came home with a soccer ball and he had just played a super fun soccer game.
Before he could share the joy with his parents, he began to be rejected:
"I've never seen such a dirty child."
"You picked it up from the garbage heap?"
The poster's producer deeply immersed every sentence in the child's body, like a scar.
Parents would like to be warned of the serious harm that verbal violence can do to their children.
However, there are still many people who do not think so, thinking that it is just sensationalism.
How can verbal violence hurt a child's body?
But the following two studies may give you a new understanding of the harm of verbal violence.
01
The brain circuitry of emotional pain and physical pain is the same
According to an experiment by Dr. Ethan Cross of the University of Michigan:
When a person is violently attacked by language, his emotional pain responds in the brain region, which is very similar to physical pain, and the nervous system can experience almost the same level of pain.
In other words, when parents insult their children, the trauma they suffer emotionally is comparable to the pain of physical injury!
02
Verbal violence can change brain structure
Dr. Martin Teicher of Harvard Medical School found that:
The brain regions most easily affected by verbal violence are the corpus callosum (the area responsible for transmitting motivational, sensory, and cognitive information between the two cerebral hemispheres), the hippocampal gyrus (the brain region responsible for managing emotions), and the prefrontal lobe (the brain region responsible for thinking and decision-making).
Children's brains are still developing, if they always live in a harsh and lacking environment, their brains will develop into a "survival mode" structure in order to adapt to the environment, forming a cowardly inferior personality.
Therefore, we can see that many people with poor childhood and unfortunate families, even if the living environment has greatly improved in adulthood, it is still difficult to change their thinking mode.
Taking pressure too early will not only fail to improve the child's psychological quality, but also make the child become too cautious, timid, etc., and such a change is irreversible for life.
03
In your language, there is a child's future
Adele Farber, a famous American children's scientist, once said, "Never underestimate the impact of your words on your child's life." ”
You know, the child is in the age of ignorance, and the parents, as the closest person to the child, their words are the truth.
Every word and deed of a parent, or even an expression, will have a subtle impact on the child's personality shaping.
I remember when I was young, the neighbor Aunt Zhang's house often heard the sound of beating and cursing children.
Once, when she was a guest at her house, her mother bought a pair of new shoes for her daughter Kiki, who was sleeping and was shouted at by Aunt Zhang.
Perhaps he also got up in a strong mood, looking lazy and unwilling to cooperate.
Aunt Zhang said, "You turn around," and Kiki turned.
"Move your feet, do you fit your feet?" "It's okay."
"Is the color OK?" "It's okay."
"Is the style OK?" "It's okay."
Seeing her daughter so perfunctory, Aunt Zhang came up angrily.
"Are you a dead man?" Don't you have your own opinion? ”
The daughter listened, lowered her head and did not speak.
"Someone gives you something and asks if you like it or not?" Dumb, talking. ”
Seeing that Kiki still did not speak, Aunt Zhang poked her head fiercely in front of us.
"I'm talking about you, didn't you hear that?"
Kiki's eyes were a little moist, and she gave her mother a fierce look and slammed the door shut.
"You still throw your temper and can't teach well, so how can I give birth to such a fool as you?"
"Talking is not good, people are not polite, no wonder reading is so bad!"
In the midst of the scolding, my mother and I were embarrassed.
Since then, we have never gone to Aunt Zhang's house to play.
A few years later, they moved away, and I heard that Kiki didn't even get into high school, and later went to the hair salon to do hair washing, and was fired because of her bad attitude.
Maybe you will feel that Kiki has been a bad boy who has no intention of learning since she was a child.
But in fact, in elementary school, Kiki's grades were not very bad, although not among the best, but also had a middle and upper level.
Later, with Aunt Zhang's evil words, Kiki's study began to plummet, and in exchange, she intensified her scolding.
Since then, Kiki's life has entered a vicious circle, and slowly, even the class is unwilling to go.
The suggestive effect of psychology tells us that the negation, blowing, and criticism of parents will give children negative psychological hints, and transform them into children's "inner critical voices" to form a strong "anti-self" consciousness.
They will habitually self-criticize and deny, feeling that they are useless, even if the person who criticized you as an adult no longer exists, this critical attitude will remain in the heart, often harsh on themselves.
As Professor Susan Foward says in the book Poisoned Parents, "Children always believe what their parents say about themselves and turn them into their own ideas." ”
Therefore, your casual few words are the most heartfelt evaluation in the child's mind, and whether the child's life is positive or negative is all between the parents' thoughts.
04
Your wanton criticism will bury your child for the rest of his life
There is a question on Zhihu: What is the experience of being scolded by parents to want to commit suicide?
Among them, Gaozan's answer is sad and desperate.
"When I was so sad and sad that I cried until I collapsed, my parents looked at me and said: What nerves."
Psychologist Wu Zhihong said: "Verbal violence may become a weapon. ”
In addition to the cowardly inferior personality mentioned above, verbal violence may push children to the other extreme.
It's about turning emotions into intense aggression, killing yourself, or killing others.
In 2014, Xie Yong's silver medal work "Language Violence" at the Cannes International Festival of Creativity told the relationship between language violence and violent harm.
In the film, he interviews several juvenile offenders at the Shenyang Juvenile Detention Center.
They were verbally abused by their parents from an early age.
"Pig brain", "waste", "shame", "how do you not die".
Xie Yong made these most representative keywords related to verbal violence into "weapons".
In years of verbal abuse and complaints, these children have suffered psychological torture.
They grow up to be violent and fierce.
There are casino robberies, shooting people;
Use an axe to hack the other person's;
There are also fruit knives, and when you see people, you stab them.
According to surveys, more than 40 per cent of juvenile offenders have suffered verbal harm from their parents.
The parents of these children use violent words to ruin their children's future, and also bring irreversible harm to other people and other families.
Some people say that the murder weapons that these children have stabbed into others are handed over by their parents.
Without thinking, you buried your child's life.
Proper communication is non-violent
Many times, raising a healthy child is far easier than repairing a broken adult.
Every child wants to be recognized and recognized, especially from their parents. When parents know how to consider their children's feelings and have more acceptance and love, children will inevitably be able to face life more positively.
The famous psychologist Marshall Luxemburg, in the book "Nonviolent Communication", mentioned a harmonious parent-child communication method:
01
observe
Observation is the first step in nonviolent communication. Parents should observe the behavior of their children carefully and say the results of their observations. The first step to making good observations is not to define your child's behavior.
For example, when the teacher tells the parents that the child has not turned in the homework, do not say to the child: "Why don't you write homework again?" ”
As long as parents have judgments about their children's behavior, they will cause rebellious emotions in their children's hearts.
The observation without comment is, "Why don't you write your homework?" "This is an objective question, the child will say, because the homework is too difficult, too much, or do not like the teacher and other reasons, parents can carry out the next step of education guidance."
02
feel
Many parents like to rush for success, but ignore their children's mood.
For example, if a parent asks a child to clean the room, the child has emotions, spills water on the ground, and will say to the child: "Why are you so stupid, this little thing can't be done well?" ”
This is a great harm to the child's feelings, perhaps the child just wants to be lazy, but is labeled stupid and incompetent.
At this time, parents and children should say their feelings,
Parents are to exercise the child's autonomy, educate the child not to be so lazy, if the child is still unwilling, the attitude can be appropriately tough, but can not be blamed.
03
Understand why feelings arise
Most parents have three reaction options when they hear a bad word.
For example, when a child says to his mother, "Mom, the food you cook is not delicious." ”
The first is anger, "I worked hard to cook for you, and I dared to hate the food." ”
The second is to shirk and blame the other party. "Then I won't do it, you can do it yourself."
The third is to experience and understand the needs of children, see if the children are uncomfortable, and if everything is normal, you must consider improving your cooking skills.
Parents should not always be arrogant, but more through communication to discover the real needs of their children.
04
Make specific requests
Tell your child clearly what you want them to do.
For example, when a child goes out to rub, the mother usually says to the child: "Can you hurry, always grind and rub, every time you have to urge, let people wait for you." ”
This is not a specific demand, but a disguised criticism and a moral kidnapping that exploits the child's guilt.
Children generally hear this, will have a strong rebellious psychology, continue to slowly and leisurely.
In this case, the mother should say to the child, "We are almost late, go out in five minutes." "This is the specific requirement for the child.
Communicating well with children is never easy, after all, there is a gap between children and parents who have many years of life experience.
Many things seem easy for parents but very difficult for children.
This requires parents to be more patient, carefully observe the child's behavior, carefully feel the child's psychology, analyze its causes, and then put forward specific requirements for the child.
When you do the above, you will find that the child is not unslacked, and the teaching of spring wind and rain can also make him thrive.
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