Unexpectedly, Fu Seoul, a poisonous tongue and parenting master, also hit a wall in the parent-child relationship!
Some time ago, in the program of "Spring Day Delayed Departure", Fu Seoul talked about his son's birthday and sent a circle of friends to thank everyone, but there was no her and her husband.
Moreover, the news was learned from a friend. Because her son blocked her.
Fu Seoul, shocked to learn of this news, was shocked and his first reaction was", "Am I not worthy of thanks?" ”。
However, after calming down, she still accepted her son's move, telling herself that "it has nothing to do with whether the son shields himself and whether he is a good mother."
Something similar, I also know a version.
A friend's child is in the 3rd grade of elementary school, and once when she was cleaning up her child's room, she found that the drawer of the cabinet was locked.
So she ran to ask the child why he had locked the cabinet? The child said, "Nothing, there are some things you don't want to show to others." ”
The word "others" makes friends feel hurt when they doubt themselves.
She is still indignant, feeling that she has paid her heart and lungs to treat her child, but the child is becoming more and more estranged from herself.
In fact, we Chinese parents often make an inconspicuous but far-reaching mistake, that is, raising children without boundaries.
Wu Zhihong once mentioned the "paste logic", which refers to the fact that the boundaries between people are like paste, chaotic.
What is a sense of boundaries?
The sense of boundaries is:
I know what is mine and what is yours. (I am in charge of my things, and I can't touch other people's things at will)
I knew what I should do and what I shouldn't do. (My work is not shirked, other people's problems I do not take on)
I also understand what I can accept and what I shouldn't accept. (I can accept criticism and advice, but I do not accept control and kidnapping in the name of love)
When a person has a clearer personal boundary, he will have a clear understanding of himself, a strong heart and a strong sense of principle, protect his rights, and respect the rights of others.
Do not easily be influenced by external speech, do not compromise unprincipledly in order to please others, do not punish yourself for the negative emotions of others, and do not bear overloaded emotional kidnapping.
I have a friend who has rarely come home since getting married. Because she was too afraid to get along with her parents.
She was at home, and when she got up a little late, her mother scolded her face and even went straight into the house to lift her quilt, causing her to sleep now with shadows.
What your mother said cannot be ignored, and if you don't listen, you are not filial piety and a white-eyed wolf, and you want to kill her alive.
"Didn't I do so much for you, and you talked to me like this?"
Dad would also say, "Look what kind of fucking your mom is?" ”
The friend explained that he was very aggrieved, but he could not resist. Because as soon as he rebelled, he became a sinner who hurt his parents.
Anger, guilt, self-loathing but unable to change this powerlessness made her live a very painful life for the first 25 years.
In fact, this is a typical parent who violates the child's psychological boundaries and kidnaps the child with emotion in the name of love.
Many good girls meet scumbags because their own boundaries are not clear, mistakenly regard the identity of others as their own needs, blindly sacrifice themselves in order to meet others, and finally fall into the trap of infinite payment and self-touch.
How to guide children to establish a sense of boundaries?
01
Parents have clear boundaries
The establishment of a child's sense of boundaries is inseparable from the fact that parents have a good sense of boundaries.
But many parents still follow the parenting model of the previous generation and constantly invade their children's boundaries.
Old friends know that I am a kitchen scumbag (no one is allowed to mention yesterday's pasty bun incident) and occasionally spend the morning making a meal for the children on a whim.
Of course, I hope that the baby can like it and eat more.
But a lot of times, CC doesn't buy "Mom, I don't like to eat this", "Mom, it's not delicious"...
Looking at CC's pair of chopsticks pulling back and forth, just without a little bit of a big meal, I am still quite angry.
I thought to myself, the old lady had a hard time making a meal for you in a different way, and wasted my whole morning, how could I be so unsympathetic?
However, I soon realized that I had crossed the line of thought — what was the line between parents and children?
The boundary of the mother is: it is my responsibility to prepare food for the child, no matter how much effort I put in and how much time I put in, my original intention is voluntary, no one forced me to do it, right? Whether you like it or not, love or not, should be the child's right.
The boundaries of the child are: the mother has cooked a meal and should be grateful, but has the right to say that she does not like the meal, and even the right not to eat.
Finding this boundary, I knew that children should not carry more expectations beyond the boundary.
If today, in order not to offend my mother and make my mother happy, I forced my meal to eat and forced a smile to say that it was delicious.
Tomorrow, in order not to offend friends, colleagues, scumbags, and to make them happy, I will force myself to do a lot of things.
So, I want to tell my child that I am willing to pay for you, it is my business, it has nothing to do with you.
In this way, she can keep her boundaries in the future with people, such as finding a boyfriend, at least not because she can't repay the other party's kindness, and reluctantly accept an inappropriate person.
The more intimate you are in an intimate relationship, the more you need clear psychological boundaries.
What we need to give to our children is our love, not our thoughts.
Parents should sort out: what is the parenting responsibility and which are our control/emotional kidnapping of the child.
Which are providing children with a stable growth environment and care, and which are holding on to the rights of parents to deny children's ideas and demean children's behavior and personality.
02
Parental demonstration role
Many people don't have clear boundaries because when they were young, their parents didn't let their children recognize clear boundaries.
The mother is at work, and the child is next to her to play board games with her.
"Baby, wait a minute, will your mother accompany you when she is finished?"
The child did not hesitate to say, "I want to play now."
In the end, the mother could not help the child, stopped working, and played with the child.
But Xu was thinking about the unfinished work in his heart, and his heart was irritable, and after a while, his mother said, "You play by yourself for a while."
But the child was still unwilling and began to cry.
Mom looked impatient, "I've been playing with you for a while, what else do you want to do?" Didn't you see anything wrong with your mother? Why is it so ignorant? ”
I don't know why adults always have a sense of guilt for rejecting children, feeling that they are not a good mother\father if they occasionally reject children.
But naïvely think that the child can see through the mother's euphemisms and embarrassment, and empathize with your left and right trade-offs.
In fact, this is the lack of parental boundaries, rejection and consent are an expression, and there is no harm in itself. It also has nothing to do with whether you are a good mother or not.
So when we reject our children and guard our own boundaries, we can actually be more rational.
When I was a child at CC, I also went through many detours, two people invading each other's boundaries. I felt guilty, and she was always dissatisfied, even though I had compromised a lot.
When I got to DD, I told him very directly, "Mom is going to work now and can't accompany you, but I promise to finish it as soon as possible, and then play with you, and you can play with Grandma or eat a fruit."
He generally does not continue to dwell.
You rightly ask for the respect you deserve, and the child is acceptable.
In the process of getting along with his parents, he will learn to respect others, and he will not know where his boundaries are.
But beware, we must be loving and kind when we help our children build a sense of boundaries, not bluntly, even with anger and dissatisfaction.
For example, you've told a story many times and don't want to tell it again:
"I have said it 5 times, I have a dry mouth, how can you not finish", the subconscious is to say that the child does not understand you, is not satisfied, and constantly challenges your bottom line.
The clear expression of the boundary is "the mother has spoken many times, the mouth is a little tired, do not want to talk about it again", directly without hostility to say their feelings and needs.
For example, if you are having fun with your child, you are suddenly anxious:
"Baby, Mommy is going to the bathroom, will you wait for me for a while?" In fact, it is to give excessive rights to the parents themselves to the children.
The clear expression of the boundary is "Mom is going to go to the bathroom now, you wait for me for a while", gently but firmly saying what you need.
If you keep teaching you how to guard your boundaries in front of your child, your child will naturally learn to guard himself in front of others.
03
Children are allowed to have different voices
The sense of boundaries is mainly built on "self-feeling", and the bottom line of each child's inner endurance is different, so the standard of boundaries is also different.
If you want to cultivate a clear sense of boundaries in your child, you must allow the family to say "no", allow the child to reject you, and allow him to express his thoughts and feelings.
Two days ago, CC was very annoyed because of the hand copy of the newspaper.
I couldn't help but say to her, "Why do you have so many things, you see Xuanxuan, her mother said that she copied the newspaper by hand and finished it in half an hour." ”
CC replied to me after listening, "She does it fast, I am different from her, I am not serious, you can directly remind me to be serious, don't compare me with others!" Then I compare you with other mothers, are you happy? ”
Images like I'm so intimidated that I can't say anything are often staged in our house. If you think about it, in fact, it is basically my loss.
Although I was intimidated and angry, I was more fortunate to see CC gradually establish its own boundaries:
She knows which parental discipline is really good for her and she can accept;
Which discipline is an outlet for the parent's emotions, she can refuse.
As CC said, the child is not serious about writing homework, discipline is OK; but compared with others, it violates her boundaries.
Children have a clear sense of boundaries, not only to better protect their children's rights, but also to let children learn to independently distinguish who truly cares for themselves and respects themselves.
Reject those who control and kidnap themselves under the guise of "good for you", "care", and "love". Be true to your feelings and don't have to act with concerns. Neither deny others nor wronged yourself.
In this way, the child can become a person who knows how to measure up and respect others.