What about nonviolent communication? In fact, this is a standard set of communication processes and methods, there are four steps, the first step: to tell the objective facts you see, not your point of view; the second step: to express your feelings, not your emotions; the third step: to share your needs, not to blame; the fourth step: to make a clear request, not a command.
Nonviolent communication is a very simple four-step process: telling the facts, feelings, needs, and requests. But even a simple four-step step is not so easy to do, why? Because we are often controlled by violent emotions, in the words of Dr. Luxemburg: "If we only want to change others so that their actions are in our interest, then nonviolent communication is not the right tool." Nonviolent communication is used to help us fellowship with people on a basis of honesty and listening. When using nonviolent communication, we want people to change and act out of love for life.
Once people believe that we value each other's feelings and can take into account the needs of both parties, then they will believe that the desire we express is a request, not a command. "So insisting on communicating with people in a nonviolent way is indeed a very difficult thing, and in the process of communication, there will be many factors that cause violent communication."
The first factor is moral judgment, when we see a person's behavior that does not conform to our values, we will see his behavior as immoral, or wrong.
In Stephen Covey's Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, there's a story I love about one day when Covey was on the subway and saw a dad with a couple of kids. The children were completely out of control, particularly noisy, and had hindered the people around them, but the father did nothing and sat there alone in a daze.
At this time, Covey was obviously a little emotional, and his heart had already given the dad a judgment: this is an irresponsible dad. So he walked over and told the dad with dissatisfaction: You have to take care of your child, and the dad suddenly woke up and apologized: "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, the child's mother just died an hour ago, so now the children may be a little flustered like me." I'm sorry. After listening to the father's apology and explanation, Covey felt unusually arbitrary and narrow-minded. So once we have a moral judgment in our hearts, the words of communication are definitely violent.
The second factor that leads to violent communication is comparison, you look at the old open car, look at how much money Old Li makes in a year, this may be a wife's complaint to her husband, the real tragic life, is to start from the comparison, the real harm is also from the comparison. Especially as a parent, don't compare your own children with others, don't say: you look at who knows more, you see who is better at learning, and so on.
The third factor of violent communication is the avoidance of responsibility. We are too willing to use "have to", as if everything is forced on me by others, and it is the responsibility of others. My wife told you to work less overtime and spend more time with your children, and you said I had to work overtime. You complain to your friends that you don't like your work, and your friends advise you not to do it, but you say: I have to do it for the sake of life. These words all seem to make sense, but once we don't realize that we are our own masters, we don't make a choice. Indeed, some people will say that many things have to be done, and what the leader asks me to do, can I not do it? One day at work is tired enough, and when you go home, you have to take care of your children to feed and change diapers, which is also something you have to do.
Let's see what Dr. Luxemburg had to say, and once when discussing the dangers of avoiding responsibility with parents and teachers, a lady angrily said, "There are some things you really have to do, whether you like it or not!" I don't think there's anything wrong with telling children that they have to do something too. So Dr. Luxemburg asked her to give examples of what she had to do.
The lady replied dismissively: "It's too easy. After I left here tonight, I had to cook, I hated cooking, I had had enough. But for twenty years, I had to cook every day, even if sometimes tired like a dog, because that's something you had to do. Then Dr. Luxemburg said, "I'm saddened to hear you do things you hate for a long time." ”
The doctor did not first deny that what you said was not right, that it was not something that had to be done, but first comforted the woman emotionally and expressed the hope that nonviolent communication would help her find a solution. Soon the woman found inspiration and a way to study, and when she returned home from her studies, she told her family that she didn't want to cook anymore.
Three weeks later, her two sons attended a seminar that gave us a chance to understand how they viewed their mother's decision, and the eldest son exclaimed, "Marshall, I want to say 'thank God to myself.'" Then he explained: "Maybe she can finally stop grumbling at dinner." "So if you really don't want to cook anymore, as your own host, you can make a choice." Dr. Luxemburg also advocated that we could try to change "I have to" to "I choose", and when you change it to "I choose", the mood is completely different.
For example, although I don't like this job, I choose to continue to do it for the sake of life and my family. For example, although the boss let me work overtime, but in order to accompany the child more, I want to talk to the boss that I can improve efficiency, if the boss does not agree, then I choose to leave and so on. Sometimes it is really difficult for us to make a choice of both, either left and right or back and forth, but we can always choose: what kind of attitude to use to face the choice.
The fourth factor of violent communication: it is difficult for the strong. Our demands on others often implicitly threaten what happens if we don't listen to me, and what happens if we don't cooperate. This kind of communication is more likely to cause harm if one party is obviously strong and the other party is obviously weak. Parents and children are such a typical example, so parents must not use threats to communicate with their children, so that the only thing children can get is harm. So in our daily lives, there are such methods of moral judgment, comparison, avoidance of responsibility, and threats to the strongman everywhere. As long as you relax a little, it is easy to open your mouth to cause the harm of violent communication to others.