Picture 丨 Sunshine Sister Tao
When you think of a fight, what comes to mind?
It may be that both sides scold each other "you are a pig", or it may be two mouths that constantly complain and swear.
Indeed, we often see quarrels as negative behaviors similar to personal attacks, symbolizing a series of seemingly negative words such as anger, conflict, quarrel, and jealousy.
However, it is impossible for man to remain absolutely rational and never to argue with him. As long as you live, there will be conflict.
Perhaps, rather than whether to quarrel or not, the most critical issue is to look at the meaning of quarrel objectively and how to fight correctly.
01
From the cause of the quarrel, look for the meaning of the quarrel
In general, there are three reasons why people quarrel:
01
Narcissism is frustrated
Heinz Kohut, a psychoanalytic psychologist at the University of Chicago, believes that narcissism is the normal need of the individual, it is a true sense of self-worth, and it is a real feeling that you are worth cherishing and protecting.
In life, we all hope that our family and friends can understand themselves, it is best to understand themselves without explanation, and unconditionally tolerate themselves, which is the manifestation of narcissistic needs, and one of the reasons for quarrels is that this need is not met.
Pictured| Miss Bird
For example, if a good friend doesn't care for half a word after a bad day, this feeling of "you don't understand me" can make people feel lost, sad, and even angry.
02
The border is invaded
The boundary is an invisible fence between people that we have gradually established in the process of self-differentiation. Boundaries provide us with guidelines and boundaries when dealing with ourselves and others.
If our own objects, spaces, or privacy are violated, it evokes inner anger and dissatisfaction, and conflict and strife ensues with emotion.
For example, your parents enter your room without your permission and casually flip through your diary.
03
Emotional catharsis
If you are accustomed to daily repression of emotions, then it is likely that you will first hide your thoughts in the face of certain people and things that make you unhappy.
But people's emotional accumulation must eventually be cathartic, at a certain point in time, a small thing he does may become a fuse, igniting your anger, making you yell, argue, and attack.
For example, you always feel that your girlfriend doesn't care enough about you, but because you don't know how to express this feeling, you keep it in your heart until the emotion reaches its peak and gushes out. Those performances that you seem to be out of control may be full of dissatisfaction and grievances in your heart.
Figure | slaughter
After understanding the above three reasons, we will find that the causes of quarrels are actually related to people's inner needs and deep consciousness.
Social psychology researcher James Mcnulty points out that the temporary discomfort of angry and honest communication is beneficial to the long-term stability of the relationship. Because intense communication can stimulate each other's insight and understanding, it can promote the deepening of relationships.
The quarrel brought about by the frustration of narcissism will make people understand the most urgent needs of the self, and will also make the other party more understanding of their "lightning points".
The quarrel brought about by the violation of the border will make the other party and you clearly communicate with the boundary, making room for each other to be independent.
The quarrel brought about by emotional catharsis can not only make people quickly express their long-standing boredom, but also make others understand their true feelings.
Although the form is fierce, it is undeniable that the quarrel itself is a form of communication.
Of course, the key is how to communicate better.
02
Unlock! The right way to quarrel
"Don't do things when arguing"
01 Refusal to communicate
When there is an argument, don't respond indifferently or refuse to communicate, for example, directly blocking, playing missing contact, cold violence, and so on.
This is an attempt to escape conflict and is totally unhelpful to its resolution.
When disagreements have emerged, it means that it cannot disappear flat without any treatment, blindly avoiding, but will make small problems cause great harm to the relationship.
02 Indiscriminate labeling
Understand that it is the other person's behavior that causes your dissatisfaction, and your dispute stems from a specific matter, not from the person who has a problem.
Don't label the TA emotionally, for example, you and the TA have an argument because of playing, the TA accidentally makes a mistake, you say that the TA is completely ignorant of the ball xx (please make up for it yourself), but ignore the bits and pieces you have trained together.
03 Let emotions lead to behavior
During a quarrel, the amygdala of the brain is activated, the adrenaline rushes, and the body enters a state of combat, which is the primitive impulse of human beings. But we also have a rationality that is characteristic of human beings.
Wantonly hurting each other, attacking each other's weaknesses, swearing, and even using physical violence are all direct causes of a relationship's destruction.
Figure | Marriage stories
"The Four-Step Solution to Quarrels"
Step1 Relieve anger and calm down emotions
Emotionally, you can first explain to the other person, "I need to calm down," and agree on a time for formal communication, such as "half an hour later" or "after school."
Then, pause your business for a moment, find a place to take a deep breath for a few minutes, be alone for a while, or wash your face and let the emotions calm down as soon as possible.
When you no longer have aggressive words and emotional judgments about the other party popping up in your mind, but can face everything calmly and peacefully, then move on to the next step.
Step2 Sort out your own and each other's needs
You can have a self-talking and replace "I'm angry because I need him to care about me" with "I'm angry because he doesn't care about me at all."
The former, which focuses on your needs, can help you reduce your anger and restore your rationality. The latter is to focus on the other party, which will make people think more and more angry.
Only by starting from the heart and asking what we are missing and unsatisfied can we more accurately convey our feelings to the other party.
Of course, if the other person is the one who provoked the dispute, you can sort out the real needs of the person by listening and asking.
For example, ask the person:
You seem to be angry, can you tell me why?
What is the solution to this contradiction that you hope to resolve? What do you want me to do for you?
Step3 Nonviolent communication
Nonviolent communication covers the four elements of observation, feeling, need, and request, and after calming down emotions, clarifying needs, and entering the formal communication link, we can borrow the template of nonviolent communication formulas to conduct effective dialogue.
Observation – describing what the other person has done/done to make you angry;
Feelings – Describe what your specific feelings are, and are there any other emotions besides being angry?
Needs – describe what your needs are not being met, causing you to feel the above feelings;
Request – Ask what you want the other person to do.
For example: because you didn't wait for me yesterday after school to make me angry, I feel lost, feel forgotten, and wonder if I'm your best friend. I hope you care more about me, if you are really in a hurry, can you put a note on the table next time?
Step4 summarizes and reassures
Quarrel is a fierce form of communication, it is bound to not be as peaceful as daily communication, in any case, quarrel is difficult not to cause any harm.
Therefore, after the problem is solved, we can first summarize the experience of this quarrel:
For example, do you all agree with this model, and if not, where else can you adjust it?
For example, what you feel from this quarrel can be the needs of the other party or the characteristics of ta that you have not discovered.
Then, remember to be patient, reassure the other party, and tell them that you are very satisfied with this communication, and because of this smooth communication, you have confidence in each other's future relationship, and you still enjoy the relationship with him.
Figure | Exciting
Write at the end
In fact, TIE believes that in a relationship, the winning or losing of a quarrel itself has no meaning, and those emotions of anger and grievance also stem from love itself.
Behind the benign quarrel, it is also a manifestation of our full commitment to life and shouldering our own responsibilities in life.
Quarrel, not to win, but to go to a more intimate place.
Face conflict bravely, growth and change are in this moment.
Resources:
[1] Attachment in Psychotherapy, Beauty · David J. Wallin, China Light Industry Press
[2] "Nonviolent Communication", Mei · Marshall B. Rosenberg, Huaxia Publishing House