Planning, Vision / Nico, fufu
Written by / fufu, Nico
Illustration / Always
Editors / KY Creators
An article dedicated to friends who want to get off the list
Before the article starts, let me ask you a question: What do you do when you want to get off the list? Rely on friend introductions, dating apps, or rely on social cow skills to go out and meet some new faces?
An author in the editorial department said that these methods have been tried and have maintained a high frequency of dating routines, but they still can't get rid of it.
After countless failed dates, he told us his conclusion:
This reminds me of a concept I saw a while ago —
In fact, many times we will feel that "love can not be sought", probably because when we take the initiative to find love, there are some "bad habits" that are easy to cause ineffective dating.
Today, let's talk about a few of the pits of "invalid dating" that everyone is most likely to step on, and how to get out of this revolving door and stop stagnating.
Five bad habits that lead to ineffective dating,
Did you know?
Many times, behaviors that we think will enhance the relationship between the two parties are likely to have the opposite effect. To help you identify these imperceptible dating habits, we've set up five scenarios to see if you can accurately identify the bad habits that might lead to dating.
Correct answer: C
We tend to be as friendly and polite as possible when we first meet to make a good initial impression.
However, the reality is that if our focus is only on friendliness and courtesy, the result is likely to be that there is no bad impression, but no other impression.
Politeness creates a psychological sense of distance, prevents us from communicating meaningfully, and leaves much of the content superficial and difficult to understand each other deeply. In this way, trying to get acquainted with each other through such a date naturally becomes thankless.
Correct answer: B, C
Smart friends should find that both options B and C are trying to create a sense of crisis in order to arouse each other's sense of urgency. People who are familiar with these routines are indeed very easy to attract each other in the initial relationship, but it is difficult for this relationship to develop into a long-term stable intimate relationship.
Research has shown that creating a sense of crisis in dating, while it may make the other person desire us more, can also make the other person dislike us more (Dai et al., 2014). At this time, the desire is only because it does not accept defeat, and once it is obtained, it may lose interest.
Correct answer: ABC
Appearance, occupation, circle of friends, lifestyle, habits of throwing hands and feet... This is often the first information we get to get to know a person before we get to know them. We often give judgments based on this information that are much richer than the information itself.
"Civil servants, life must be very boring, no ambition."
"This person always posts photos of himself in the circle of friends. Isn't it fish farming? ”
"This man snorts when he eats, he really has no quality!"
Our judgments may be right or wrong, but more importantly, these "reading comprehension" judgments are unnecessary. Most of these judgments are very one-sided labels, and labels prevent us from understanding a person in a complete and three-dimensional way.
The other party may really have no ambitions for the workplace, but this does not prevent them from being enthusiastic about their lives;
Sending photos of yourself may indeed represent some degree of narcissism, but that doesn't mean he's not serious about feelings;
Some behavior habits may not seem polite enough, but after all, everyone grows up in a different environment, and the definition of "politeness" is often different...
Always keen to do "reading comprehension" in dating, maybe all you can get is more misunderstandings about each other.
Correct answer: A
Same interests, artistic aesthetics, taste choices... These commonalities can easily make us feel good about each other, but they are not the core of a relationship after all.
My girlfriend had just left the single and was soon single again. I was surprised when I first heard the news, because she was obviously elated when she first took off the order.
More important than common topics in the early stages is to understand each other's personalities and ways of dealing with intimate relationships – does he respect others? Will he hurt others in order to achieve his own ends? Will he commit and engage in an intimate relationship?
Correct answer: A
In this era of 5G surfing, "quick battle" seems to have become the policy of many people when dating. I've seen a lot of people ask after one or two meetings, "Do you think we can?" As if not answering each other clearly is a waste of each other's time.
However, rushing to get off the list does not mean that dating can be accelerated. An attitude of being too eager will not only cause the other party to have negative emotions and reduce the other party's willingness to establish a relationship with you, but it may also leave hidden dangers for your relationship.
Of course, we can pursue efficient dating, but this is not the same as a quick decision, but know how to create a high quality of time together, and do not focus on frequent selection and comparison.
As for how to stop invalid dating and get really productive dating, here are some suggestions that may inspire you —
How to stop an invalid appointment
1) Fixed expectations for the outcome of "first date"
What is the ideal first date? Hit it off, what's the point of talking?
Here is not afraid to pour cold water on everyone to say that such a first date is actually rare. After all, when both parties are not familiar with each other in the early stage, they can do a one-shot deal, which requires excellent luck or strong social skills.
Holding such ideal expectations will only make us feel like every date is like finding a needle in a haystack, and the "right person" always seems to be out of reach.
So, what kind of first dates should we expect?
The answer may seem strange to you: awkward but comfortable.
Embarrassment is the emotion that most people feel on a first date – two unfamiliar people coming out on a date, embarrassment is perfectly normal. But at the same time, if you find that you can frankly communicate these awkward moments with each other, and feel comfortable sharing your embarrassing feelings in front of each other, you may wish to continue to engage with each other.
2) Don't be afraid to "offend"
Sometimes, an interesting date involves taking on a little bit of the risk of "offending" the other person.
The "offense" mentioned here is not a deliberate disrespect for the other party, or the vulgar cross-border joke as humor, but a frank expression of one's own thoughts and desires. This may include wanting to say but worrying about the other party's disapproval of the point of view, wanting to make jokes but not knowing whether it is appropriate, wanting to get close but not daring to hold hands...
If you're really worried that what you're about to bring up or the topic you're about to explore may cause discomfort to the other person, you might as well tell the other person in advance, "If you feel that this will make you uncomfortable, feel free to let me know, and I'll stop right away." ”
Although it is important to respect personal boundaries, in the most important ice-breaking stage of the early stage of the relationship, taking the initiative to break the boundaries between the two people under the premise of maintaining respect may become an important opportunity for the further development of your relationship.
3) Discuss directly your preferences for partner choices
Although the rush to confirm whether two people can develop into a couple is not good for the early stages of the relationship, this does not mean that we are silent about the content involving intimate relationships in the early stages of the relationship.
Studies have found that rather than testing each other with a vague attitude on a first date, it is better to express your preferences for your partner frankly than to promote the relationship between the two parties (Sharabi, 2019b).
Of course, the preferences mentioned here are not just hard indicators such as family background or educational environment, but more importantly, talk about each other's expectations of the relationship - what kind of person do you want your other half to be? Does the relationship he wants align with your needs? On what issues do you give in and what are you unwilling to compromise on?
4) Cultivate curiosity in dating
Invalid dating is a strange circle that can easily get people into – the more invalid dates you go through, the more likely you are to encounter more invalid dates later.
This is often because the accumulation of invalid dates will make us have the illusion of "countless experiences" and constantly use past experiences to analyze and judge the next objects we encounter.
To get out of this state, you need to focus on cultivating curiosity when dating. For example, when two people get along, pay more attention to the parts of the other party that are inconsistent with your expectations than those expected words and deeds, and lead the topic in these directions, perhaps the other party can give you more surprises than you think.
5) Understand what kind of person he or she is in intimate relationships
It is extremely common for people to have two faces in love and in daily life, that is, what we know about a person in our daily life may not apply to intimate relationships (Buehler, 2021). For example, some people may be very confident in general, but they often fall into self-doubt in relationships; people who are generous and generous to their friends may also be preoccupied with their partners.
Therefore, before entering the relationship, if you can understand what the other party looks like in the intimate relationship, you can avoid a lot of regret of "mistakenly entering the relationship". The easiest way to do this is to "talk about your ex."
Talking about past relationships is not about listening to each other's privacy in detail, but about how the other person talks about their exs – will they blame each other for their faults? How did he tell his memories? Does he focus on sharing his subjective feelings, or is he able to look at the past from a relatively objective perspective?
From the way the other person talks about the ex, we can get a lot of the other person's traits in the relationship: is he responsible enough in the relationship, is he willing to sacrifice for the relationship, and is he thinking about the other person from the heart?
Finally, I wish you all an early release of the order~
Interaction Today: Have you ever had an "ineffective date"? Come and share it in the comments section