The second step in nonviolent communication: express your feelings, not your emotions.
As Chinese, we don't express our feelings very well, why? First, we all have common cultural attributes, what is printed in the bones is easy to conceal, and not very good at expression, in other words, our national character is relatively introverted, we are all "Tarzan collapsed in front of us and the face does not change color", are "moody and angry, heroes have tears and do not flick".
Think about our parents, how difficult is it to get mom and dad to say "I love you" to each other? When you come home for the New Year, you want to hug your dad and say, "Dad, I love you." "Don't you think it's particularly twisted?" Why is that? Because we rarely express emotions. Second, we are not very good at expressing emotions, when the child falls on the head, our parents will generally say: "It's okay, it's okay, it will be fine after a while." When the child is sad and crying, our parents will say, "Crying and crying, how big a thing, can't go over." Especially in my hometown, this phenomenon is even worse, such as the new year's family happily going to visit relatives and friends, you are overwhelmed and fall, at this time the mother will say: "Look at you, why don't you get stuck." ”
This is how our parents express their emotions from generation to generation, how can we possibly express our feelings? Mom is obviously worried about you, but the mouth says how not to jam you, falling on the head is obviously very painful, but Mom said that it is okay. Over time, we are less likely to take care of our own feelings, and over time we will suppress the disease or erupt and hurt people.
We have to learn to take care of our emotions and feelings.
I recommend you to see the movie "Three Fools Bollywood", the movie is not only wonderful but also profound. The protagonist of the film is Rancher, who has a good friend named Raja, who dreams of becoming an engineer, his father is now paralyzed at home, his mother has no job and often nags: his sister can't marry because the family can't afford the dowry, so Raja, who is admitted to the "Imperial Engineering College", becomes the only hope for the family. Later, because he and Rancher and others urinated in front of the principal's house and were ordered to withdraw from school, at this moment, he was discouraged, and there was nowhere to release his emotions, so he decided to commit suicide, resulting in breaking 16 ribs and two legs, and began to rethink life.
If Raja is someone who doesn't take care of his feelings, rancher in the play is the opposite, his real name is Wangdu, and he is the son of a late gardener in a wealthy family, but he is talented and intelligent. So the rich man decided to pay for Wanda to study under his son's name "Lancher", on the condition that he helped his son impersonate him to get his diploma.
Wandao himself came from a humble background, and could not live in his true identity, the results obtained could not belong to himself, according to common sense he should be a person who would not take care of his own feelings, either inferior to the bone, everywhere to cater to others to please others, or fierce and abnormal, in order to achieve the goal of unscrupulous means. But these two extremes of prosperity are not, he chose to live a good life, so a series of jaw-dropping stories occurred in the university, the first day of school Wanda played tricks on the unreasonable senior, teased Chartu, who loves to be in the limelight, and also fought with the stubborn and stubborn principal.
In this process, he encouraged Fahan to chase his dreams, enlightenEd Raja to find his own life, and always treated kindly every time he faced the emotions of himself and others, and one of the words he often said was: "Everything is good!" In the end, he not only chased after his beloved girl, but also became a scientist with more than four hundred patents. The film can also be seen that learning to take care of your own feelings can both encourage others and help yourself, which is an important ability.
So what exactly is the feeling of caring?
The Dr. Luxemburg in the book sees a child who is angry and asks him, "Why are you angry?" The student replied, "I think he's bullying me." The doctor said, "This is not a feeling, please say how you feel." The student replied, "How is this not a feeling?" The doctor said: "You think he bullied you, it's your judgment, it's not how you feel." So the student thought about it again and replied, "I think I'm angry at the moment, and I want to beat him up." The doctor said: "You say you are angry, this is how you feel, but you want to beat him up, this is not your feeling, this is your thoughts." ”
So what exactly is a feeling? Think for yourself, in your daily life and work, can you distinguish which are your feelings and which are your thoughts? If you want to express your feelings clearly, you must know what feelings you have, and if you want to know what feelings you have, you must establish a vocabulary to express your feelings. The book lists a glossary, because there are too many I will pick a few to talk about, such as excitement, touch, happiness, happiness, security, relaxation, carefree, etc., such as fear, sadness, anger, embarrassment, regret, loneliness, exhaustion, etc., these are feelings.
When you learn how to express your feelings, you can share your true thoughts when you can communicate with others. For example, you say, "Honey, our family hasn't cooked our own food for a week, and I think it's a little bit homely on days like this, and I'm a little uneasy." This is to share your feelings, rather than coming up and saying, "I can't cook well every day, can I still live this day?" "If you say that, it's not only full of hurt, but it's also going to make the other person feel extremely disgusted. It is estimated that next week you will still not be able to eat, and your uneasiness will continue for a while.